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POLICE REPORT

Gunnison police units arrested Enselmo DesPlants, 88, in connection with the theft of a case of “hot” generic picante sauce from a local grocery. The elderly felon was placed in Gunnison County Jail for his own protection. He told officers that he was desperate and that he had been living on dog food and onions since last Cattlemen’s Days. He reportedly absconded with the picante sauce so as to spice up his otherwise drab lifestyle. He will be placed on work release as soon as he comes up with the $45 per day fee.

Zorro DesPlants, a noted Olympic bagpipe artist, was detained early Friday morning suspected of painting mustaches on political billboards throughout Hinsdale County. After 20 minutes of interrogation DesPlants was released on the advice of the arresting officer who felt that the suspect did not have artistic ability enough to have committed the said crime.

Amanda DesPlants was picked up by Montrose County authorities and charged with littering the parking lot at the former Louisiana-Pacific waferboard plant near Olathe. Upon further investigation police discovered a pickup full of organic vegetables allegedly bound for the same location. DesPlants was fined and released after promising never to set foot on the property again. She has vowed to blow up the facility on the 4th of July.

Ruthie Roosterson, (formerly Ruthie DesPlants) was hauled into San Juan County Court Tuesday and charged with over 60 dog-at-large violations. Upon further investigation it was confirmed that the “dog-at-large” was none other than Efram, Roosterson’s foul-mouthed son. The case was dismissed on the grounds that Efram had not done any real damage. He will undergo a series of shots tomorrow as well as a battery of intelligence tests aimed at verifying his exact species.

Police followed up on an anonymous tip and arrived at 21 Bleu Cheese Parkway in Placerville Sunday morning only to observe Impie DesPlants busily at work on his home computer. Officials at the Tri-State Electric Co-op in Montrose may press charges in connection with alleged transferal of bank funds from Tri-State to the 15-year-old boy’s account in Norwood. While in the home, officers repeatedly broke up fist fights between the boy’s parents Ronald and Elsie DesPlants that had apparently started over what television show the family would view next Wednesday night.

Muriel DesPlants of Silverton was fined $25 for entering a hot tub fully clothed. Charged with trespass, general menacing and public nuisance raps, DesPlants has threatened to move her trailer to “the more civilized environs of Hermosa.” More than 80 Silverton residents showed up bright and early the next morning to help her move.

Montrose police nabbed Anwar DesPlants, accusing him of engaging in Peeping Tom activities at Anciano Towers, off West Main Street. DesPlants insists that he was actually looking out of the tall apartment complex when the arrest occurred.

Compiled by Julianne Pettifogger