All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Pet Escrow Ordinance Adopted by Council
“Did you just call me a moron?”
(Crested Butte) In what has been called the most innovative step ever taken by the local town council, the controversial Doggy Duty Ordinance passed unanimously last night. The law, which requires prospective dog owners to put up as much as $2,000 in escrow with the town before acquiring a pet, is aimed at controlling the irresponsible.
The escrow fund is officially designated to pay for projected fines and other expenses involved in raising a dog. It is expected that some people will think twice about becoming a pet owner considering the commitment. Furthermore the council thinks people who decide to acquire a dog will be less likely to abandon the animal with all that money invested.
“It’s a winner,” said one supporter who says he intends to put up $250,000 to make sure his dogs are financially secure in the event of his own demise. “I think it’s the responsibility of every pet owner to see that the animal has a good sturdy upbringing and a real shot at success whether it be with government or the private sector. College is a definite for my two collies.”
The action comes on the heels of accusations that the town council sauteed funds from the 2016 Alley Loop Race and hardboiled the evidence. After one outspoken member was grilled Friday it appeared there was more to the story than was on the menu, so everyone broke for lunch.
“Nobody did anything illegal,” said a spokesman for the mayor’s office. It seems that any decision we make is like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.”
In other business three members of the council voted to table discussion with regards to complaints from landlords that tenants are stockpiling dung in rental units.
“The property owners and their agents say the renters are using the dung to braid their hair and they plan to issue eviction notices Monday,” said an elected official. “We’re just trying to head off the conflict until the end of ski season.
– Dag Katz
“I may not be all that intelligent, but I’m accessorized.”
– Melvin Toole, polysynthetic linguist, ham-handed flight surgeon, weekend podiatrist.
—APOLOGY—
Last month the San Juan Horseshoe incorrectly reported that residents of Crested Butte, Lake Irwin, Gothic and Jack’s Cabin could receive their annual giardia shots at the Animal Hospital at Crested Butte on Mondays and Wednesdays from 9 am till noon on May 6.
The release should have read Mondays and Tuesdays through May 13. Sorry for any inconvenience. The baby journalist who filed the story has been fired, her ancestral home at Meridian Lake burned to the ground.
Patients are again reminded to shun alcoholic beverages for at least three weeks prior to subjecting themselves to this litigious and experimental witchcraft. Residents of Crested Butte, Rosebud Gulch, Pittsburg and Elkton can procure giardia shots for a nominal fee at any of the St. Roscoe clinics that tend to overpopulate the Upper Gunnison Valley. These lucky few are not required to avoid alcohol in any form, in fact they are encouraged to drink large quantities of the stuff prior to the immunization.
FLOYD ROSADO TOMA EXCEPCIÓN AL SONDA LUNAR CHINA
(LONDRES) La popular banda de rock and roll Pink Floyd no tiene ningún problema con la gente que camina por la luna. Ya sea que sean estadounidenses, rusos, chinos o marcianos no hacen ninguna diferencia al grupo musical que reclama a millones de oyentes aquí en la tierra.
Lo que Pink Floyd no aprecia es la referencia al otro lado de la Luna que, según las fotos tomadas por el Chng’e 4 Rover, no es para nada oscura. Además de aplastar leyendas similares al queso verde y al hombre en la luna, el suave toque en la superficie lunar confirma la imposibilidad de comunicación directa desde la tierra.
“El otro lado de la luna siempre apunta lejos de la tierra, lo que hace que los primeros astrónomos se refieran a él como el lado oscuro de la luna”, dijo un astronauta chino que espera aterrizar en la superficie lunar en algún momento de 2019. “Amamos a Pink Floyd ¡Pero las letras en Dark Side of the Moon son incorrectas!
Al reclamar la licencia poética, Pink Floyd no quiere ser mentirosa o perder la lealtad de su base de admiradores debido a “pequeñas observaciones y la opinión de aquellos que desacreditarían la adaptación musical y la leve referencia a los conceptos mantenidos en nuestros corazones y aceptados”. en nuestra lengua vernácula.
Los Chang’e 4 aterrizaron en el Cráter Von Karman en diciembre, un punto de referencia ubicado en el lado más alejado del cuerpo celeste. Los científicos en Shanghai dicen que esperan estudiar más a fondo la tierra y el subsuelo circundantes y enviar fotos para demostrar que no hay un lado oscuro real de la luna.
Y esto después de que los exploradores espaciales del desarrollo lunar en la Misión K2 de Kepler dicen que han descubierto un mundo completamente nuevo fuera del alcance de nuestro sistema solar. Llamado K2288Bb, el proyecto ha detectado innumerables planetas y estrellas desconocidas para el hombre antes de esta fecha.
“Muchos de estos planetas podrían sustentar la vida”, dijo un portavoz de Kepler. “Este es un descubrimiento emocionante, aunque puede llevar siglos determinar lo que hemos encontrado aquí”.
-Tommy Middlefinger
Last chance for winter?
Longer days meld with winter serenity as we all wait for the coming of spring. Lots of now in the high country with much more forecasted up high through May. Will we have water?
Spy Satellite Won’t Hit Butte
(Crested Butte) The disabled U.S. spy satellite expected to collide with earth sometime this month will most likely not hit Crested Butte according to gov’ment officials. The ship is now de-orbiting, its power gone due to a battery malfunction.
Launched from Vandenberg Air Force Base in California in December of 2006 the satellite was expected to stay up in the air a little longer. Just where the craft is right now is classified information, says the National Security Council. Normal tracking technology is ineffective due to the anti-terrorist battery charger that is located underneath the fuel pump and virtually impossible to reach.
“We have no control over it, since the power outage,” said Emily LeCrewe, a former astronaut who gained limited fame in 1988 for her part in the formation of the International Brotherhood of Astronauts and Aliens.
“It could land anywhere,” she added calmly.
Authorities hope it will land somewhere like rural Nevada and not in downtown Moscow or Beijing.
“Locally I wouldn’t worry too much,” said Kyle Belvedere, a spokesman for the NSC. “There is little danger,” he reiterated, “but my agency is looking into options to mitigate any damage.”
The United States gov’ment, reputedly housed somewhere near Washington DC, on the eastern seaboard of North America, has disavowed knowledge of the spy satellite.
“All these sci-fi whackos, and dreamers of little green men in Teflon suits should be jailed,” said a surviving White House spokesperson.
– Fred Zeppelin
“Where does the light go when the snow melts?” – John Musick
SNOWBOARDERS MUST WEAR HAIR NETS
(Crested Butte) Snowboarders here will be instructed to wear hair nets while on the slopes as of March. The action comes on the heels of numerous complaints as to the behavior and activities engaged in by this developing minority group.
“It has nothing to do with personal hygiene or long hair,” said a spokesman for Crested Butte Mountain Associates. “It’s…it’s a health department code thing, or something. We couldn’t ignore all the complaints. We almost lost a pizza and coke group from Moline this morning,” he gasped. “Hey, running a major ski area ain’t no stroll in the park.“
Critics of the new regulation say that the kids are all right.
“The snowboarders could be out robbing convenience stores or stealing cars,” said Moms Maplethorpe, 97, the oldest living telemark ski instructor. “These are nice kids out to have a good time. If they threaten the flatlanders by their lifestyles, that’s just tough guano, baby.“
As of yesterday a lengthy compromise has been proposed which calls for separate but equal slopes for both the snowboarders and the skiers at peak times such as Christmas and Spring Break. Contact at Paradise Warming House would be limited and potential lift partners would be thoroughly screened by the lift-operators upon boarding lifts.
“Something has to be done before the situation deteriorates even further,” said the spokesman. “Our status as a multi-use recreation area is in jeopardy. If these two groups need contact after the lifts close there are plenty of bars open.
Other ski areas have undressed the problem simply by building bigger and better lifts, as in the case of Vail and Aspen, which have built support facilities such as Beavercreek and Buttermilk to handle the overflow caused by the separation of the two opposing concerns.
According to lawyers for the snowboarders, “We are taking a wait and see approach, hoping to determine the levels of enforcement before we file summer lawsuits.”
– Gabby Haze
