All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Mensajes de texto? No preocupada pero no pueden conducir un palo.
Más y más personas en el país no pueden conducir transmisiones estándar. Este terrible fenómeno, considerado como parte de la evolución humana del siglo XXI por parte de los fabricantes de automóviles, ha abaratado la experiencia de manejo y le ha dado al motorista menos control en caso de mal tiempo. También resume las estadísticas disminuidas para el consumo responsable de petróleo.
¿La disponibilidad de transmisiones estándar se basa en la oferta y la demanda o en otras oscuras manipulaciones económicas de la industria automotriz? ¿La introducción de motores con inyección de combustible hizo que la operación de un automóvil fuera demasiado fácil y condujera al deseo de mayor comodidad?
Durante décadas, desde el final de la era clásica / romántica, donde los conductores valoraban sus carros, los fabricantes de automóviles vieron a los consumidores como bozos tecnológicos que no quieren realizar tareas innecesarias mientras están detrás del volante.
Aparentemente, tocar la radio, jugar con las ventanas eléctricas y mirar hacia atrás en la vista trasera domina la capacidad de atención del fusible corto. Los nombres GTO o 442 o incluso cuatro en el suelo se pierden en estas personas, muchos de los cuales dicen que son fanáticos de Nascar.
“¿Es realmente tan difícil enganchar el embrague? sonrió un defensor del consumidor. “El conductor de un cambio de palo está más en sintonía con su vehículo y, a su vez, está mejor conectado a la carretera. Todo lo que uno tiene que hacer es dar un pequeño giro y estará convencido “.
Pero todos pueden enviar mensajes de texto mientras están al volante y manipular los teléfonos inteligentes como si fuera un asunto de nadie. Simplemente no pueden distinguir una segunda marcha de reversa que podría ser fatal en el flash entre una conducción segura e incompetente.
El desarrollo, aunque es un viento pasajero para la mayoría, perturba gravemente a los expertos en automoción que dicen que solo puede significar más reductores de velocidad a menos capacidad intelectual en la carretera.
– Alfalfa Romero
“Tenemos suficiente religión para hacernos odiar, pero no lo suficiente para hacernos amarnos”. – Jonathan Swift
Canned Laughter Pulled From Shelves
(Ridgway) Grocery stores and supermarkets will begin pulling canned laughter from their shelves Monday as part of the Federal Uniformity Act, passed late last night after the bars closed.
The presence of the canned laughter, once considered an integral part of Americana, has been determined to be far too diverse for today’s politically correct consumer. The mandatory removal will be followed up by the release of more uniform entertainment response apparatus aimed at making the citizenry more alert to the dangers posed by foreign comics and those who seek to bring down the present gov’ment.
“It’s all about perception,” said one grocer who supports the effort. “We still have frozen chuckles and freeze-dried smirks for the die-hard. We’d like to see a populace who could decide when to laugh and what to laugh about…on their own with prompts and mob mentality. Isn’t that the core of Democracy?”
Persons hoping to stockpile canned laughter for the winter have until the weekend to do so. Quantities are limited. – Melvin Toole
Ghost of Elvis Sets Hot Springs Tour
(Ouray) An upsurge in reported sightings of the Ghost of Elvis is a clear indication that he about to embark on the annual Hot Springs Tour according to parapsychologists here. Some 30 appearances of the hip-swaying apparition have been chronicled since the first of the year.
“Elvis is the eternal showman,” said Dr. E. B. Tinkleholland, chair at the Table Mountain Institute in Boulder. “He knows better than to try to compete with the holiday hype when all kinds of other celebrity energy is in the air. In death, as in life The King seeks center stage,”
Residents here say Elvis has visited both Box Canyon and the Wiesbaden with short touchdowns at Orvis and the Hot Springs Pool after dark. Guests and staff at these facilities say that the phantom has yet to submerge itself into the water preferring to hover above dressed in a plaid tartan kilt, bow tie, black knee socks and white dress shirt. Although harmless to date the spirit has created quite a stir when popping up among unsuspecting soakers.
“We were sitting in the pool at about dusk when the wind picked up and some light snow began to fall,” said one guest at Orvis Hot Springs near Ridgway. “Suddenly a shadowy figure appeared across the water, maybe ten feet away. He was singing the familiar “Are you lonesome tonight?” to all of the ladies present. As one might imagine the visit created quite a stir and the pool emptied quickly.”
The Elvis Rubber Duckie is back!
Employees there say that upon closer examination they found nothing stranger than usual going on and concluded that whomever was singing had vacated the premises.
“We’re up to our necks in celebrities, “said one woman at the front desk. “It’s a normal occurrence and most of them attempt to disguise themselves so as to avoid unwanted publicity or attention. Besides in the San Juans these days everyone is a celebrity of some sort.”
She went on to admit that arriving in such a cadaverous state was a nice touch and that the special effects were quite impressive.
“We just wish he would have paid like everyone else,” she frowned.
If the ghost follows the agenda of past years he will spend about a week hanging around Ouray County before traveling to Dunton Hot Springs in Dolores County and Juanita Hot Springs, east of Gunnison. By February fans may have an excellent chance to see Elvis near Valley View at Saguache and Mt. Princeton Hot Springs in the Collegiate Range.
“We can’t guarantee anything,” said Tinkleholland. “Elvis has always had a mind of his own.”
Experts say this year’s ghost seems quite different than the spirit that visited last winter.
“In 2018 the Ghost of Elvis was angry, even vengeful, presumably over the settlement of his estate and the continued pirating of recordings in Third World countries,” said Tinkleholland. “At present he seems to have put these annoyances behind him and is a more lighthearted apparition.”
Despite mounds of data collected over the years and surveys conducted all over the globe researchers remain baffled as to the attire of this year’s Elvis.
“Where’s the glitter? asked the doctor. “We’ve never seen him in kilts before but the name Presley is certainly of Scots-Irish stock. “It’s either that or he’s developed a fetish for parochial school uniforms. And what’s with the knee socks?”
-Paula Parvenu
Plutonians angry over planetary status
(Solar Junction) Plutonians here are offended and a just little angry after being designated a dwarf planet by astronomers who say the nonluminous celestial body is not big enough to be considered a legitimate planet.
Many residents of Pluto, formerly the ninth and farthest planet from the Sun, say that sidereal periods of revolution, abstract perihelions and especially confining aphelions are nothing to play with and can be dangerous in the hands of amateurs from earth.
Often ignored due to its last place finish in positions from the Sun, Pluto has sneaked by all these ions joining the other revolving entities in one Solar System, seated with the eight major planets in conjunction with the stars. Although Pluto has no known marketability or industrial output (with an unemployment rate of over 100%) Plutonians are the healthiest inhabitants of the Solar System.
“We are not the Chicago Cubs of the cosmos,” said one inhabitant. “We’re not a star and now we’re not really a proper planet either. What are we then…intergalactic debris?” asked Sarah Shuttle, a former NASA astronaut who landed on Pluto some years ago and decided to stay.
“How can anyone take the word of these charlatans, none of whom has ever set foot on Pluto?” demanded one Plutonian elder. “When the bubble bursts it is they who are the zealous plutocrats and we the innocent victims of it all trying only to prosper on the vast fringes of stellar no-man’s land.”
Another Plutonian agreed adding that only last year scientists confirmed that Pluto was larger than Mercury or Venus.
“How is it that we have shrunk to oblivion? They distinctly said half the size of the earth, at least diametrically,” he said. “Let’s face it we’re not exactly a major market out here but we have value. If we were right there downtown like Mars or Jupiter it would be a whole different deal. We are and have been the red-headed stepchild of planetary prestige, the bastard of Caliban, the lost tribe of the underworld, the last train to Clarksville. We can handle that but this dwarf planet business…well, it really shoves our face it, doesn’t it.”
An ongoing dispute between Pluto and Earth over fishing rights in the Straits of Armageddon has manifested itself in angry denials of wrongdoing evolving to shouting matches across the massive solar system.
The whole thing is a big mess,” said one astronomer from Buffalo Chippe Observatory near Boulder. “We have to consider the planetary psyche and the overgrown ego of Plutonians. For centuries they have believed they were just as good, a normal, upright planet just like the rest only to find out they don’t quite measure up,” he stressed.
Stopping short of calling the entire judgment ethnically motivated, the ambassador from Uranus, Pluto’s closest neighbor, has suggested that the attitude of the favored planets is condescending and hostile toward emerging masses. He says Pluto has become the latest in a long line of victims of the classic upstate down-state rivalry.
“These seeds of uncertainty are the seeds of discontent and be thee wary who throweth them,” she said in a thick Uranian accent. “Everyone knoweth that Plutonians can only be pushed so far.”
– Suzie Compost
Bulk Snow For Sale by Owner
Snow days in Western Colorado! Genuine Red Mountain snow for sale by the kilo. $90 delivered or $70 you retrieve. Owner may consider trading for like weight in sun flowers.
Packaging that needs shot
I got myself a new pair of scissors but couldn’t open the package. Photo by Jeff Brown The Juneau What
