All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

—CONTEST—

Help the feds rename the War on Drugs and win!

Most everyone in this country and realizes that the much maligned War on Drugs is a dismal failure. It was never designed to be successful but rather as a cash cow scheme to smuggle more drugs into the US. Your elected officials know it too and have finally decided to do something about it.

Attempts to resurrect the wondrous cash cow have arrived in the form of a contest set to pay out big money to the winners. It’s simple: The existing effort carries with it the magic term fundable and therefore the gov’ment does not want to scrap it. They just want to change metaphors in the middle of the stream. Get it?

Remember: It’s not for you to determine right or wrong here. You are only a taxpayer and can be effectively persecuted by the IRS or other government agencies for your reluctance to buy the money pit program laid down by the feds. Just write down your choice for a new name for this fiasco and send it to Harold Hempleman, Director, Department of Clandestine Maneuvering and Finance, 239 Jefferson Davis Parkway, Washington, DC 20013.

(Note: The terms Manifest Destiny, Silent Majority and Strategic Hamlet will not be accepted since they remind the gov’ment of a string of past failures and conflicting stopgap thought.

Over 3 million dollars might be given away this Saturday!

—CONTEST—

Humanitarian Crisis Spilling Over Borders

(Caracas, Venezuela) It’s no surprise that the internationally recognized humanitarian crisis in Venezuela has spilled over into neighboring Colombia and Brazil. Already large ponds of refined petroleum have covered roads leading in and out of the oil-rich country according to persons familiar with the local geography.

The unleashed fuel threatens the water table, while polluting lowland streams and fisheries. Slow moving but final in its thrust, the giant glob of fossil juice is certain to cover the entire landscape before the annual deluge of spring rains arrive in mid-April.

In Cucuta, on the border of Colombia, masses of oil-stained refugees continue to cross over into Colombia despite the fact that the Andes nation is already home to millions of displaced persons leftover from her own recent economic chaos and wars. Colombia feels a responsibility to help since Venezuela provided safe haven to many during those desperate cocaine years.

Downriver in Arauca, hundreds of people simultaneously dropped their oil collection buckets and marched to San Carlos de Negro, in the Amazonas State, propelled by rumors that black market rice was available.

Meanwhile in Santa Elen de Uairen, Brazil local authorities are attempting to control the migration of refugees despite the fact the Venezuela closed the border yesterday. The same scene has played out on the border of Guyana as well.

Skeptical social scientists around the globe suggest that many nations would not give a damn about the status of everyday life or the political disruptions if the country were not oil-rich. They wonder aloud if the relief columns are not more interested in propaganda than feeding the hungry.

The leaders of Venezuela have been repeatedly labeled as socialists when in fact they are gangsters, a term directly linked to capitalism in its more iniquitous form.

“Of course our concern is linked the the barrel price of crude,” said a White House spokesman. That doesn’t mean we don’t feel for these victims of this communist deviance. We must remember that the planet has plenty of immigrants but only so much oil.”

Year-round snow banks get council OK

(Crested Butte) Lawmakers here have approved a plan that would maintain popular Elk Avenue snow banks all year long. Arguing that the architectural undertaking was both natural and beneficial to tourism, the body’s right wing shoved the measure past the left, who wanted to spend the money on green tea, Chinese dynamite, dog parks and a photo of Bob Marley at the Chamber of Commerce entry.

Working against the clock, snow techs jump-started the program on Monday. First, they surgically sculptured the existing banks so as to seal all faults and provide a soft landing. Then they hauled in tons of snow and ice from local depositories up Washington Gulch. Distributing the snow/ice equally would be a mega chore but it would be handled even if crews are forced to work 24 hours a day.

Then they must hope the weather stays cold.

“When things do start to melt we have to bring in the refrigeration equipment, which we hope will not appear intrusive on the main thoroughfare,” said Molly B. Denim, owner and operator of Born Again Towing, the general contractor on the project. “When they see the waterfalls in the summer and the light show in the fall they’ll stop complaining. The water’s all recycled and the organic snow is dry-cleaned once a week. What’s not to like?”

Voters mobbing the coffee lines downtown seemed unaffected Tuesday morning with most saying that the snow banks were probably good for the town. Others asked what the plan would cost to implement and how snow could withstand the summer heat. Still others condemned the entire incident as a frightening and stupid waste of funds.

Henway “Snow Devil” does its thing off Elk Avenue

Meanwhile, the left wing of the council says it has gained full council support for a referendum on the proposed pedestrian mall for the area in question. Since cars and snow banks have always been at odds, the measure is expected to pass swiftly. Futurists in the northern part of Gunnison County were scornful of the measures unless the cooling power of vast ice caves under the town could be harnessed. Even the coal miners could never pull it off.

“We want to be known as the ski town with year-round snow,” said Denim. “Everybody loves snow banks…so long as they don’t have to maintain them.”

In related news the town’s 1000 hsp/mg-13 henway snow cleaning reactor is up and running again after a series of freeze-ups rendering it useless during the most recent cold spell. Optimistic operators say they aren’t behind their work schedule in that the snow is just starting to get dirty anyway.

“The months of March and April require constant cleaning if we hope to keep things spic and spam,” said Denim.

– Alfalfa Romero

State mulls allocating DUI profits for 550 fix

(Denver)  Department of Transportation officials today confirmed that the agency is considering the use of DUI profits to repair Highway 550 in Western Colorado.

The announcement, which reportedly caught many bureaucrats off guard, comes as a result of a spike in traffic fatalities from Montrose to Farmington, New Mexico. The highway, which was built to handle far less traffic than it accommodates today, has been called outdated, dangerous and often subject to serious congestion at rush hour times.

“There are lots of bad stretches beyond Red Mountain, Molas and Coal Bank Passes,” said one C-Dot engineer. Two-lane roads abound and are often negotiated by urban drivers not accustomed to lower speed limits, winter conditions and no passing zones.”

The sum of said funds, acquired through the enforcement of drunk driving laws, was not disclosed although insiders suggest that it is “quite a bundle”. No one in the extended gov’ment seems to know where the funds reside and what they were used for up until now.

“Even after everyone gets his cut we still have a surplus,” continued the source. “We have already spent an immoral amount on the militarization of police departments.”

Some small Colorado towns now boast of police departments loaded with armored vehicles, assault weaponry and arsenals that compete with the standing armies of small African nations.

The earmarking of funds for highway restoration is a complex maneuver requiring extensive study. This commitment to safety and well-being may require months of lunches, fact-finding vacations and closed-door contract bids.

“We owe a debt to the brave, albeit stupid, drivers who get behind the wheel after a beer or two,” explained the transportation source. Without them we wouldn’t be able to proceed on this life and death crusade.”

-Kashmir Horseshoe

YOGA PANTS AMENDMENT TIGHTLY CONTESTED

Opinion

With the passage of the once controversial Yoga Pants Amendment it is crystal clear that society has reached a point of diminished returns when it comes to fashion, good taste and trendy, pop-fashion statements.

The bill, passed by a slim margin in the House, bulled its way through the Senate resulting in a near disaster as it flew through an open window, crashing into a herd of food carts jockeying for position just outside the Capitol.

One vender, Mama’s Good Cookin’, was held hostage by male assailants in off-maroon yoga pants who demanded the nation return to its roots and reinvent imported chemical clothing made of inferior fibers in sweat shops. They then singled out anyone wearing Spamdex for further harrassment.

Screaming “This ain’t the land of cotton”, they employed a circuit of flying buttresses and remain dug-in across the hall from a Congressional dressing room once used by both John Wilkes Booth, Greta Garbo and Spiro Agnew at different times in their respective careers.

“Yoga pants are a privilege, not a right,” they shouted as the police closed in with tanks and small artillery.

In response to what the feds are calling a blatant terrorist attack, the White House declared martial law, prohibiting yoga pants in public places until the matter accepted by hostiles on both legs of the issue.

We were then reminded of the dire warnings spewed by martyred yoga pants rights activist, Chipper Putt (MA in mantric landscaping, burned biscuits and theological rectitude) who in his last moments at the stern imparted:

“First let me say that I have over 32 tattoos and 11 piercings and I am no fool. This whole yoga pants controversy is an embarrassing exercise in the waste of man’s intellect. It’s as if we were debating the circumference of hoop skirts.”

It’s like running across the Cliffs Notes to a rambling, soapy novel that no one would believe: A Russian agent in a red tie (blackmailed for past perversions and fiscal arrangements) manages to bully the US government on the backs of his less than erudite faithful who he will stiff in the end. The story will never sell because no one will buy it.”

– Pegleg O’Sullivan

And Snuffy Smith…

Can you sing the lyrics to the song inspired by this man and his horse? Hint: He came before the search engine and after the mustang.