All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Feds Threaten Meat Supply in Pot Beef
(Leadville, CO High Country Smoke Rings November 5, 2015)
Controlled personalities at the federal level have threatened to cut off Colorado’s meat sources if that state doesn’t tow the line on U.S. marijuana laws. Colorado, along with Oregon and Washington has decriminalized the use of pot in small amounts for recreational use.
“The feds don’t like to be outflanked,” said a pro-pot source here. They like to dictate to us, to be in charge. Our lickety-split, wham bam amendment to the state constitution nailed them to a tree.”
Instead of embracing progressive stands on social issues, neighboring states have petitioned the federal government for help enforcing archaic pot laws in their states. The frustrated response has been nothing more than a series of ultimatums but now it looks like some probing action is in the wings.
“They may be serious about his meat thing,” said the source, “but Colorado is self-sufficient. We have the water, the timber, the sun, the wildlife, the lifestyle and yes, plenty of meat. We also tolerate others, even vegetarians! Out neighboring states are just jealous.”
Applications for hunting licenses have jumped 46% since the federal meat threat was made public. Sales of firearms and gear have been off the charts indicating that a massive in-state hunting population will take to the woods in October.
If Colorado decides to heal and follow the precepts of the central government the meat wagons will once again cross the prairie. If not it could be grilled cheese and tomato soup for the winter.
“It’s the old classic state’s rights question here,” said the pro-marijuana spokesman. “We went to war on this issue once and may have to do so again. Either way I’ve been taking a lot of target practice.”
How this recent bullying might affect the pot status in Washington and Oregon was not undressed. Several other states are expected to include propositions and amendments on the question of recreational marijuana use on their November ballots. Many already have medical marijuana programs in force.
Tentative legislation is impending in six other states that have been impressed with Colorado’s experimental successes.
– Gabby Haze
Coalition Bombing Up In Air
The holy Good Guy Coalition dropped 6023 bombs on ISIS positions in Iraq and Syria today achieving 2 confirmed kills. Is it bad aim that is the culprit here? How many times has the West taken out top leaders? How many top leaders are there anyway? Why does ISIS appeal to so many younger people all over the globe? Many are not even Muslims. Somebody ain’t tellin’ the truth here. With the level of munitions employed, every ISIS madmen should have been killed 23 times. Somebody making money?
Lobbying Reviewable in 2016
The corrupt culture of lobbying our elected officials will be subject to instant replay next year. All deals made on and off the Congressional floor will be “looked at” by unidentified persons up the Atlantic Coast in New York. Antagonists, protagonists and persons of interest will have two opportunities during Congressman’s term to throw a red flag onto the floor of the House or Senate in dispute of a particular call or arrangement. If a pay-off or favor is deemed illegal it can be reversed after the replay and the offending parties are incarcerated with the death penalty pending.
Mice Active in Wake of El Nino
Got mice? A lot of people report that they have had an increase in the long-tailed visitors this fall. Rodents, looking for a place to nest, follow their instincts in apprehension of cold weather coming fast. Sales of mousetraps, poisons and sealants have been off the charts as the pests invade the domiciles of the righteous and the sinner alike. Tips from local exterminator include not opening your doors, not eating in the house and getting a hungry cat.
Western Colorado Report — November 4, 2015
Bear Launch Website
(Berry-Munching Fur Bag Review — November 3, 2015)
(Crested Butte) A local Black Bear contingent has released a new and innovative on-line presence focusing on the daily needs and curious aspiration of bruins in this neck of Colorado.
It is believed to be the first website completely devoted to bear. Several progressive primate offerings and, of corpse the well documented porpoise page “Hold the Hushpuppies” have brightened the arena, expanding the playing field over the past year. All of these efforts had been deemed impossibilities just a short time ago.
The premier page, which collaborates with local and state agencies on such subjects as forest fires and water sources, has quickly descended into a cheap rattle sheet primarily interested in unattended trash and ripe garbage.
“What can we expect from animals who sneak into campers and raid birthday parties in search of sweets?” asked one skeptic who favors tighter controls on bruins in the Rockies. “Trash is what is on their tiny minds and trash it is that fills these categories.”
Feature pieces on this month’s site include “Tips on Burying Cows Before Dining” and “Termites With Honey”, accentuated by the clever “How To Open Car Doors With Your Teeth.”
Literary critics say the page only addresses eating and nutrition, and ignores other high points and plights of the everyday bear.
“Where is the sleek innuendo?” asked one observer. “Where are the particulates of bruin sin? This is little more than a stroll through the landfill of fuzzy dreams culminating with a shaky hibernation. I won’t bookmark it.”
– Bungalow Phil Marvel
NRA TAPS BOOP
Rifle, CO Cartoons For Peace Nov 2, 2015
The National Rifle Association has recruited 1930s cartoon bombshell Betty Boop as its spokesman for 2016. Boop is best remembered for her curious “OOP Boop EE Doop” and her rosy-cheeked way with male cartoon characters on the set and in private life.
The NRA, like most massive corporations, no longer represents individual gun owners but rather its own self-interest. Yet it affirms that Boop was drafted due to her positive attitude and because she might appeal to older Americans. Most people in this country under 40 have never heard of Betty.
“We’re talking to several other unnamed prospects to reach out to the younger set,” said Wrenille Banger. “We want to be in the trenches will full pack and ammo come election season.”
Insiders suggest that leading candidates are Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam and several well-armed Barbies. Noe of these are dangerous says the NRA and will be instructed only to shoot over the heads of adversaries.
As Americans become more distracted and less aware of the real issues, corporations continue to aim at the lowest common denominator in an attempt to take over the reigns of government. In the case of the Boop icon it is a clear case of distraction.
“Watch my hand, not my mouth,” laughs Dr. Elsappe Flashing of Cal Amari Institute, where Betty was first unveiled. She’s a good one and will do fine surrounded by coyotes. There is nothing to worry about.”
Although the final details are still on the table Boop and her entourage will relocate to Los Angeles before the end of the year. She will be one of six featured speakers at the John Wayne-Ronald Reagan War Film Festival in January.
Readers may recall that neither Wayne nor Reagan served in combat rolls, yet impersonate real warriors in some destructive, clean-sheet masquerade that is fed to the public as real war. Boop, as it turns out is their peer, having seen the Great Depression and World War II from the safety of stage and screen.
The NRA is playing down the development until after hunting season. Sources at Boop Camp did not return our hone calls Thursday.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Closed for Harvest
Safe in my garden an ancient flower grows. The positive medical attributes of cannabis have been denied for decades so these guys can take your money. DRUGS! (October 31, 2015)
