All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
GOP Candidates Warned on Plagiarism
(Las Vegas, NV — City of Fool’s Gold — May 29, 2016)
The four leading Republican camps have been accused of using Know Nothing Party speeches from the 1850s and passing them off as their own work. The Trump, Cruz, Rubio and Bush headquarters were warned after “clear evidence was unearthed” before the weekend.
The content of each speech was allegedly “cherry-picked from the ideological scrolls of the Know Nothing Party”, according to committee historians, linguistic watchdogs and academic sources. An offshoot of the Whig Party that flourished in the 1850s, the Know Nothings were so named for the members’ coined reply when asked about party activities*.
The passages in question follow a similar pattern of political exclusionism, racism and xenophobia. They flow exactly as the words flowed back in the “good old days”. In most cases the pentameter is identical. In many cases the words are the same.”
The Know Nothings Party, a portion of whose membership helped rejuvenate the Ku Klux Klan in the 1920s, were led by men such as Nathaniel Banks and Lewis Levin. They were seriously concerned with the arrival of so many Irish and German Catholics over a short span of time, fearing it would lead to Papist politics and destroy the country.
Although there has been little response from the Republican candidates, who were preoccupied arguing about oil reserves and birthplaces, Democrats are calling for transparency (secret words and all if they got ‘em) and a full disclosure as to the origin of the speeches.
“No, I didn’t say Origin of the Species,” laughed one Congressman when asked if he thought the governing body had evolved at all since the time of the Know Nothings.
*The all-inclusive ”I know nothing” response was revisited when uttered at the slightest provocation by Sergeant Hans Schultz in the TV program Hogan’s Heroes.
Urracas Tierra lucrativo contrato
(Birdland azules Boletín – 28 de mayo de 2016)
La Hermandad Internacional de Asfalto Custodios ha anunciado la finalización de un contrato de limpieza autopista de tres años entre la Unión Local Urracas # 611 y la División de Transporte de Colorado. El contrato establece que el Estado va a emplear los grandes carroñeros para mantener sus carreteras y arterias libres de residuos comestibles y atropellamientos.
El acuerdo actual, que data de 2009, se da por concluida con la firma de este pacto más seguro y lucrativo, que estipula exactamente lo que ha de ser recogido por los trabajadores de la carretera y lo que ha de ser recogido en por urracas.
Las aves ganarán $ 10 por hora, el salario mínimo previsto para Colorado. El bono no hizo mención de mayor coste de los derechos de vida, el acceso legal embargo ay posesión de primera muerte y la posibilidad de nombrar a supervisores urraca balanceaban los últimos rebaños vacilantes de las provincias (vertiente occidental), que estuvieron de acuerdo con los términos esta misma mañana.
La cuestión de botín de alto grado, ahora resuelto, ha sido un bugaboo en Derecho de los Estados donde los ingresos y la calidad de vida han sufrido mientras que los empleadores han publicado beneficios crecientes trabajo. En Gobernador de Wisconsin, Scott Walker, ningún campeón del trabajador, presuntamente utiliza las urracas para prácticas de tiro. Recientemente ha servido urraca en una cena ofrecida por sus amos los hermanos Koch.
Conflictos con los ingenieros de basura y otros técnicos de recolección como de los tesoros que se encuentran en las carreteras han disminuido, ya que se ha vuelto muy claro que no es basura ampliamente y los residuos para todos. Los hombres de basura obtienen primer tiro en muebles o automóviles desechados partes mientras que las urracas obtener el atropellamientos. La competencia por los puestos de limpieza de Carreteras del Estado se ha incrementado dramáticamente, junto con los ciervos y alces población y el impacto humano en las carreteras construidas para 1975 el flujo de tráfico. Aunque la presencia de coches más pequeños y más tráfico ha llevado a más victorias de grandes animales como el alce y el oso, la matanza tonelaje camino ha seguido siendo el mismo desde entonces sobre el estado comenzó a llevar registros en 1940.
Aguinaldos, un gran problema para las urracas, se continuó a pagar en zorrillos, ardillas, conejos y perros de la pradera. ¿Cuál de comer primero sigue siendo la prerrogativa de la hermandad.
– Lawrence Elk
FAVORITE THINGS
Raincoats on lushes
And barbells on kittens
Stinky old buses
And loud politicians
Octogenarians out for their flings–
These are a few of my favorite things.
Tailgating morons
And overcooked noodles
Clever, young Yupsters
And turkeys with poodles
The length of the winter, the mud in the spring–
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the smog chokes
When the air clings
When I’m feeling had
I simply remember my favorite things
And than I get fighting mad!
Troops in Mideast
And skinheads in Europe
Donald to the rescue
His feet in the stirrup
Traffic and meltdown, some drunk tryin’ to sing–
These are a few of my favorite things.
Bambo and pinkos
Identity crisis
Miso and tofu
Assorted brown rices
IRS agents, that briefcase they bring–
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the tick lights
When the truth stings
When I’m feeling bad
I simply remember my favorite things
And pray I’m not in Baghdad.
Hassles and conflicts
And Nuclear Winters
Fresh out of toothpicks
And hands full of splinters
Media preachers who yearn to be King–
These are a few of my favorite things.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
May 27, 2016
Ex-Governor Toole “Stable” After Exploratory Amputation
(Cody, WY — AMA Newsletter #611 — May 26, 2016)
Former Wyoming Governor, Melvin Seymoure-Toolebottom III, was listed in stable to good condition this morning after yesterday’s amputation of his head. The surgery, conducted to terminate the spread of infectious thinking, was deemed successful at the time of this release.
The virus-generated infection reportedly ran from his mouth all the way through the back of Toolebottom’s occipital muscle and upward embracing his cerebral falx. These organs were found to be in severely degenerated condition prompting the doctors to amputate without further ado.
“Now it’s up to the pharmaceutical gods and good grace,” said one surgeon after the ordeal.
Besides the life-threatening malady Toolbottom also suffered from a nasty case of wind gangrene and chronic trout breath syndrome which doctors feel “will subside with the removal of all matter higher than his shoulders.”
Toolbottom is currently undergoing bad food and television therapy, a treatment perfected by Mao Clinic during the Long March in 1934-35. Prior to the surgery he was a violent and angry patient. Now he is relaxed and cooperative, according to attending nurses on duty.
“He hurled bedpans at televisions and climbed up the drapes,” explained one doctor. “Then he tried to sabotage the hospital regimen by ordering a pizza rather than dine with the rest of the ailing and recovering clientele. That’s when all authority broke down and we decided to cut.”
Toolbottom recently alarmed political cronies in the Equality State when he suggested that everyone work together for the common good and stop being so selfish in their daily lives.
“That, my friends, is a bad apple talking….one that must be removed from the barrel before it ruins the harvest,” said the doctor. “I didn’t spend all that money and all that time in medical school for anyone’s common good.”
– Small Mouth Bess
Rat Pack Remembrance – Charm Over Talent?
No talent? No problem.
Colombia court dumps 1920 law banning foreign ‘idiots’
Colombia’s Constitutional Court has dumped a law prohibiting foreign “idiots” and “cretins” from entering the country.
The law was adopted in 1920 and stated that foreign citizens may be turned away if they suffer from certain mental illnesses or infectious diseases, or if they are alcoholics, “idiots” or “cretins.”
“Those who suffer from mental abnormality, including dementia, mania, general paralysis, chronic alcoholism, ataxia, epilepsy; as well as idiots, cretins, and cripples whose injuries impede their work,” will be turned away, the 1920 law said.
The connotations of these words has changed over the 96 years since the law was passed, and over time it has become an explicit form of discrimination.
The court dumped the law because they believe that this discrimination violates principles of equality and human dignity, and because it uses offensive and excluding language.
– Thomas Graham May 24, 2016
Thanks to David Mullings, Colombian Intellectual
