All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Arañas ganancia tres asientos
(Weblander – Arácnido Follies – July 17, 2016)
Arañas Western Slope han ganado tres escaños en la Cámara de Colorado y pueden empujar a un senador pro-araña de acuerdo a los informes que se arrastran y correteando en este centro cultural. Según el Censo de 2010 la población de araña estado ha disparado (crecimiento del 23%) a ganar el Partido Arana un aumento dramático en la representación.
Conversaciones susurradas escuchadas en sótanos oscuros y espacios angostos todo los Rockies sugiere que los animales de ocho patas pueden estar planeando ejecutar un candidato populista de la Casa Blanca en 2016. Las arañas tienen durante siglos sufrieron de un problema de relaciones públicas severa: Los seres humanos tienden a aplastarlos siempre que entran en las casas de los lugares de negocio.
Los arácnidos esperan que su mayor visibilidad en la capital presentará su situación en una mejor luz y de prensa para la plena autonomía. Los intentos de aliarse con grupos escindidos de insectos han fracasado estrepitosamente debido a la arrogancia de araña y la danza de la cadena alimentaria actual.
“Nos gustaría recordar a los aliados y potenciales aliados que no somos los insectos”, dijo uno de los organizadores.
– Emilio Frijole
Cattlemen’s Day’s Rodeo Starts tomorrow
The 116th Cattlemen’s Days PRCA Rodeo runs from July 14 – 16. Come on up or over to Gunnison and join in!
Labor Department Suggests Stupid Days
(Washington — July 12, 2016) A new federal program, aimed at relieving work-related stress and decreasing employee absenteeism, will be implemented by 2018 if the U.S. Department of Labor has its way.
The plan, dubbed the Stupid Agenda, calls for the assignment of five stupid days per year per employee. The plan will be tested next month at more than 200 factories and mills throughout the country and a final approach will be determined by summer.
“If I guy wakes up in the morning and he can’t get it together, he can just call in stupid,” said one human behavior analyst. “It’s like calling in sick but you don’t have to lie.”
The analyst went on to say that several industries already honor mental health days and vacation days but pointed out that these excuses leave a lot of gray area unexplored.
“Of course we expect that some employees will take advantage of the new program and take all of their stupid days in a row,” he sighed. “It will be up to the individual business to police its own shop and regulate the extension of stupid days to people who really don’t deserve them.
According to unconfirmed sources here the federal government has been engaged in a secret stupid day exchange since about 1972. In fact, most of the major decisions that have been made since then were formulated over the phone by top level officials who had called in stupid.
“It’s about time we caste off the yoke that tells us we were put on earth to labor,” explained the government spokesman. “The concept of stupid days serves as a reminder that when it really comes down to it, life is rather silly at best.”
-Dinty Moore
Blue Collar Force March Sends Shock Waves
(Bland Junction Peeper – July 11, 2016)
In 1880 the Tabeguache and the Northern Ute bands were removed to their reservation in Utah. It was affordable housing in the most primitive sense. Troublesome Utes, who had been silly enough to think they could maintain the nomadic lifestyle that they had enjoyed for centuries, were finally out of the hair of mining and development.
Today, due to a severe disparity of wealth, a shortage of land here in paradise and an overpopulation of the seasonal privileged, the local workforce is being evicted. Many have already been escorted across the Grand River for settlement on worker’s utopias in the Beehive State.
These destination retorts are not called reservations in 1997, nor are they referred to as relocation camps. The actual name for the centers has been thrown into the laps of several local realtors who promise to have concocted a workable term for the arcadias soon.
“We didn’t know the gov’ment could write a treaty on us,” said one of the uprooted workers. “We’re not even Indians.”
The wage slaves, who have been gradually pushed out of Western Colorado along with old ranching families and persons who do not fit the mold of the New West (cash only) will join others who have failed to cut the mustard.
“If you don’t show up with pockets stuffed with cash there’s no place for you here,” said Major McCook, the officer in charge of executing the controversial relocation orders. “Inheritance is popular, especially if you’ve got your eye on one of those cozy $500,000 cottages that dot the pristine landscape around these parts. We’re seeing more and more of the jeunesse doree’, fashionable, wealthy young people who have come to play in the Rockies. This whole enterprise is nothing personal and hardly political. It’s just business.”
Some of the more caring rich, a foggy minority group that gives to charities and drinks white wine before the fire, have expressed concern over the plight of their fellow citizens.
“We do so hope they have an enjoyable excursion and that they learn to love Utah,” said Muffy Hollandaise of Aspen. “We can’t imagine being poor or having to work all week long just to pay rent on a trailer…and it’s summer vacation and all. I remember reading about this kind of thing back in college…Charles Dickens, I think. But it all worked out in the end.”
Other fringe groups say the working class deserves to be removed since most never made the right investments and insisting on working for low wages so as to live in Western Colorado.
“Some of them even went so far as to spend every penny they made just surviving,” said Rex Montaleone, an unemployed millionaire living in Telluride. “How awful. I just hope it doesn’t affect our domestic labor pool. Maybe we should have waited until after ski season to send them packing.”
As of press time some 10,000 workers have been marched into Utah with many more scheduled for departure this month. Interested participants and students of history are encouraged to observe the massive exodus from points above the river where dinner and cocktails will be served.
A hundred-dollar-a-plate dinner, featuring a tongue-in-cheek presentation of lower middle class cuisine, will be held at the local Immigration and Naturalization Office here to determine how and when to begin construction of a mass transit system from the utopias to the workplace on this side of the river.
“We will not tolerate tardiness when it comes to employees,” said one proponent of the divine right theory.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Get out in a tent
Deluxe sleeping accommodations in an aspen grove near Lake City.
Kamikaze Attacks Up Again in June
(Colona, CO — Downtown Wildlife Review — July 9, 2106)
Motorists have been warned after a sharp spike in desperate attacks on our highways in June. Two terrorist groups, RVers and mule deer, have been singled out as the ruthless culprits in these violent incidents.
Called Kamikaze attacks by state and federal authorities the action has prompted clone surveillance, beefed up patrols, arrests, promises and a lot of whitewashing, common to gov’ment entities from large to small. Although there were attacks over the winter these rascals of the road prefer to do their dirty work when the weather gets warmer.
A Kamikaze is now defined by Websters as 1. the average senior citizen operating a vehicle 17 times the size of his head without the clear, steady vision needed to find his false teeth. 2. Driving something that you do not completely control in a state of semi-consciousness.
“It’s more than thrill seeking,” said one social scientists that has studied this phenomenon for 30 years. “This is systematic destruction without provocation is somehow attached to some twisted belief in road warrior justice and bent revenge for something that happened in the past. We don’t know what that could be but we’re working to disclose the data once we find it.”
The Colorado Highway Patrol suggests the employment of evasive tactics if one encounters a kamikaze. Do not panic. Pass on the left. Give it full throttle and watch for stragglers on the shoulder. Use anti-aircraft mounts (see operator’s manual) and implants when the target comes into view and always remember that you are dealing with a desperate adversary.
– Rufus Maxwell
