All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Eternity Inc.
Here we are in the heavenly boardroom of boardrooms, perched on a corporate cloud insulated by inhumane cubicles in the prestigious neighborhood near the Pearly gates. Sitting back in vests and cigars are Michael, Peter, Gabriel, Moses, Paul and Himself, the Creator and CEO. They have just concluded a final phase of a secret merger that would destroy the dominance of Lucifer International in the highly competitive, universal soul industry. Lucifer and his thugs could finally be brought to their knees if the spreadsheet was accurate. The time had come to streamline the operation here at Eternity Inc. and raise the funds necessary to deliver the deathblow.
Peter: Let’s just sell the Holy Roman Empire franchise we bought from that crooked Dutch pirate back in 1806. It must have some market value.
Gabriel: The numbers on that particular stock don’t add up to much.
Moses: Then I suggest we sell the Red Sea property and list the condos in Egypt and Jericho.
Peter: Our Joshua subsidiary won’t care for that. They’ll perceive it as a desertion, subject to a hostile takeover.
Moses: Joshua and his people can be replaced, Sir.
Michael: If we sell the Holy Roman Empire stock, the Red Sea land, the California Angels, the New Orleans Saints and the party box at South Bend we could pull this off.
Creator: Interesting. Good work, boys. But I have to tell you that for decades I have been considering the possibility of dropping the entire project.
Michael: Do you mean the entire human experiment?
Creator: I built the joint once. I can do it again and maybe the second time around with fewer botches and less conflict. There are plenty of stars out there and plenty of anxious species. Now, tell us again, Gabriel, what exactly do our numbers say?
Gabriel: They are far from conclusive. Production has been way down since the last audit. Nothing seems to help us lower operating costs while Lucifer chips away, gaining more and more of the soul pie. Natural resources on earth are dwindling, nuclear energy has arrived and yet all attempts to introduce new technology have been resisted at every turn by these pathetic creatures. Professionally speaking I would clearly suggest at least a sellout.
Creator: And what are the projections on potential buyers?
Michael: If I may interject GF, we have made every attempt from collective bargaining to fringe holidays but the humans won’t get on the straight and narrow for nothing. After over 2000 years in the saddle we are now at the point of diminished returns. Investment ratios are out the window. Anarchy looms. Sadly, I must agree with Gabriel.
Creator: If we dump the earthly portfolio how much are we talking about here?
Peter: We have 2.3 billion invested counting future escrow, low interest loans, salaries, pensions and benefits. The whole deal can’t be worth more than 5 or 6 in this sluggish market. That means we stand to make roughly 2.5 billion and gain temporary operating capital of 2 billion.
Creator: And that’s enough to close the door on Lucifer?
Peter: By about $300,000, Sir, if nonmonetary factors remain stable.
Creator: Well, I’ve got a 10:30 tee time. I’d like you to conclude this matter this morning. Any final thoughts, Paul?
Paul: I feel our best margin is in the franchise market. I’d like to sit on it for a few decades…but the thought of crippling Lucifer? That is tempting beyond words.
Michael: Let’s not forget that we have an emotional attachment to earth. We all love a weekend at the Vatican or lunch with the Archbishop of Canterbury. What about the ski trips to Park City and football in the Bible belt? If we sell we sweet and quick. No sense alerting brokers over at Lucifer.
Creator: Moses?
Moses: I hate to be negative but I’ve been watching the place deteriorate since they built the Great Pyramids. Lucifer keeps gaining souls with the same old tired message we had 4000 years ago. If we keep it we have to revamp it. If we can’t afford to do that much then we have to let it go.
Creator: I trust your judgment boys and I’m behind the eight ball with the carpeting of Purgatory and painting those Elysian Fields. Money is tight.
Moses: Then let’s sell it. The decision has been made for us.
(Peter, Gabriel, Paul and Michael seem to concur.)
Paul: They had their chance down there on earth. Instead of relishing the paradise before them they worry about what comes after. They have missed the boat.
Creator: I guess that about wraps things up. We dump it. There are plenty of lost souls that will thank us later…Now where did I leave my pitching wedge?
– Melvin Toole, Vicar, Oracle of the Blinding Light
July 29, 2016
National Clown Retreat Dismissed
(Foggy Bottom Red Nose Review July 28, 2016)
The 15th Annual American Clown Convention was banned from meeting inside the confines of the District of Columbia last evening. Citing a “seriously disruptive element of chaos and anarchy”, presiding Judge Emmet “Blinky” Kelley ruled that the clowns and their entourage must leave town in 24 hours of face arrest.
A spokesperson for the clowns said she blamed the decades of political shenanigans that have left the electorate and the civil powers with a bad taste in their collective mouths.
“These Presidential contenders and pretenders have blatantly attempted to compete with us for the attention of the dumbed-down American public,” said one radical clown, his grease paint dripping down his cheeks. “We’ll be back. This city has more clowns per capita than anywhere on the planet and we want to be a part of the action.”
The clowns were loaded onto buses this morning and driven to points in Maryland and Virginia where they will be encouraged to mix with the local citizenry.
– Gabby Haze
Canine work stats cast shadow on Obama legacy
Disappointing canine employment figures cast a negative light on Barack Obama’s presidential performance according to the American Kennel Club, The Butane Society and a host of conservative think tanks.
Supportive ail waggers back in 2010 are singing a different tune in 2016 since job creation for dogs has fallen off significantly. Many blame the President.
“Official figures are not valid since the formula does not include or recognize dogs who do not file for benefits or unemployment compensation,” said Julienne Pettifogger of the AKC. “Both sides of the political spectrum manipulate these numbers to beef up their points but they mean very little.”
One angry Butane Society bureaucrat called dogs “known gluttons only too happy to engage in teeth bearing tactics and fur rising over such ridiculous prizes as bones and turf”.
“These mongrels ignore family responsibilities and consume copies amounts of kibble without even doing the dish (es). They have little or no work ethic,” said Pettifogger.
– Dag Katz
July 14, 2016
Now you can listen faster!
Another gem by Jeff Brown Real Alaska Magazine
Write off lost golf balls only until Friday
(Montrose — Linkster Line — July 25, 2016)
Golfers are reminded that Friday is the last chance to claim income tax credits on missing or vanished golf balls for 2016.
In order to successfully submit the loss one must register with some guy at a card table in front of the post office and secure references from at least three golf corpse supervisors as to the pathetic nature of your game.
Golf ball fatalities do not always qualify as a business expense but they can be easily and legally filed under
entertainment/medical expenses for anyone making taxable income in the country.
“Most tax preparers don’t realize that equipment damage or loss can be deducted right off the top from most returns,” said Zebrine Poltroon, a CPA in hiding somewhere outside Denver. “The laws apply to anything from track shoes to ice climbing fashions.”
The most common place for golfers to become separated from their balls is in water. Many courses are filled with cute little ponds and sadistically placed lakes that, although they offer little depth can gobble up a golf ball in no time flat. Other spots include forests, extreme shade, leafy fairways, rough, out-of-bounds and cottonwood stands at feeding time.
Despite government attempts to drain water hazards and lay sod in the bunkers most golf concerns have remained steadfast in an attempt to secure a future while maintaining the history of the sport.
Persons not filing income taxes are exempt from reading this article.
Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon Downsizing
(Gladstone, CO – Special to The Horseshoe – July 24, 2016)
The popular, albeit semi-nourishing, Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon will not be stopping in Silverton this fall. The brightly colored Gitano cook carriage has been calling on the San Juan County Seat every month since 1953. People will surely miss the prairie schooner’s happy chimes, clattering kitchen curses and massive cow bells forged in the great halls of Petrograd off the Ballistic Isles of Romania.
The action comes as Ed celebrates his 88th birthday this month.
“Hell, I used to love working Silverton when the mines were running but things have changed a lot since them days,” said Ed. “Nowadays everyone’s too busy with smart phones and fast food to notice a fine piece of liver broiled to perfection, topped with mounds of caramelized onions and hickory bacon on the side. These folks spend more time trying to figure out the voting booth or which bathroom to use than they do perusing my menu or cultivating an original thought.”
Ed plans to sell his wagon and grow marijuana instead of pigs and onions.
“Sure he’s tired of the traveling,” said a close friend down in Colona where Ed maintains a sizeable herd of young steers and old-fashioned solutions. “The truth of the matter is that his old horses are afraid of the train and hesitate at the entrance to town. One actually ran off last summer and made it all the way back to St. Germaine before someone wrangled the bastard. Ed’s getting too old to be chasing spooked horses up and down these mountains.”
When asked about his team’s reluctance to visit Silverton Ed just stared, nodding occasionally, asking for a stick or gum or a ride to Durango, commenting on a pretty woman walking by the wagon. In no time we were sitting at the Brown Bear sipping on a beer.
Anyone wishing to procure foodstuffs from Ed is reminded to meet the wagon on the Silverton side of Ruby Wall Tuesdays and Thursdays until the snow falls. The Molas Lake Stand, operated by Ed’s two ravishing daughters, Marigold and Styx, will reopen for ski season in 2019.
– Finn McCool
