All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

Wear loose clothing and carry water!

An important message from Jeff Brown, Real Alaska Magazine

Montrose Rancher Eats 99 Pancakes

(Montrose, CO — Pomona Peeper — September 21, 2016)

Spring Creek rancher Ed Hempleman will no doubt be skipping breakfast for a while, maybe forever. After consuming 99 pancakes, or flapjacks as he calls them, in just three hours, he has the right. The saga began at Red’s Gravy Heaven on North Townsend when Hempleman and a few buddies began bragging about their appetites.

“Once I ate a steer in one sitting,” said one liar. “Then I had desert!”

“One September I ate a field full of potatoes,” snapped another.

“That ain’t nuthin’ howled a third. “My daddy ate up all the rainbow in the river from Gunnison to Delta, then took mom out for sushi.”

Arrogance led to challenges and soon a pancake-eating contest was set for the next morning. (Pancakes being easier to count than steaks and trout.) The match drew 13 participants eyeballing the $500 prize put up by Aunt Jemima Orchards of California Mesa.

The rules were simple: Every contestant would eat in 15 pancake increments and would be given a five-minute break between plates. Whoever ate the most pancakes from 8 – 11 would be declared the winner. If the competition ends in a tie there will be no sudden death overtime.

We pick up the play-by-play live from Red’s: lined up in a trance behind their designated stacks, they looked like plumped birds on a wire, dangling from plate to plate until just Hemp leman and 77-year-old Harvey Birdseed of Pea Green were the last pan-cakers standing. Then, like the egg scene from Cool Hand Luke, Hempleman began stuffing pancake after pancake into his gobbler, leaving Birdseed in his battered wake…

Already jerky eating, potato eating and pie eating contests are slated for the county fair. Proceeds from the event were not announced. Organizers say that the leftover 1000 pancakes would be donated to fill all of the chuckholes between Cahone to Gypsym.

“These people are gifted athletes,” cried one microphone man. “The public just doesn’t know.”

– Small Mouth Bess

“Never trust a man who agrees with you. He’s probably wrong.” – traditional cowboy saying

Autumn Golf Update

Here in the Rockies it’s all about elevation come fall. Dos Rios is exceptional through most of October while Moab just hits the pinnacle in early November. Cedaredge is fine through November and Bridges is quite enjoyable then too.

Dos Rios: If you see a bear don’t laugh at his backswing. Spectacular days cooling are off at sundown. Lovely course made even more serene by the low population density this time of the year. Excellent kitchen and bar make this a paradise for linkers. Gunnison 641-

Cedaredge: Perhaps the best time to play is September-October, as the desert can get a little warm in June and July. Tight, creative fairways meet quiet streams and challenging greens, bathed in the luxurious Indian summer. Excellent kitchen and bar round off a very positive golfing experience.

Bridges: A premier spot that would be inaccessible if located in a large urban area. Versatile course offering every joy and hazard. Weather generally good through early November. Open depending on the temperature and conditions. Another fine restaurant and views that make it special indeed.

Moab: Beautiful red cliffs and canyons are only the beginning of the 18-hole masterpiece highlighted by the proverbial winds of winter that will be blowing elsewhere (at least through the December). Great time to enjoy the slower pace in town and on the greens.

GPS system developed for better sex

(Mañana, CO— Better Halls & Bedrooms —September 19, 2016)

The new blue tooth, preloaded global positioning system looks to be the most innovative sexual breakthrough since the birth control pill arrived on the scene in the Sixties. No more getting lost. No more searching for your destination in the dark.

It’s the romance map for joyful love making – Just light the candles. chill the champagne, fluff the pillows and let your love light shine. You can even turn on your smart phone for continual suggestions and creative positions “on the road”. The GPS covers navigational moves in bed, lane assist and turn-by-turn pre-coital recommendations.

The most popular of the GPS gizmos, Naughty Routes, actually goes all the way, cutting down on getting lost or disoriented, even in rush hour traffic. If one loses his place in bed he can simply look up at the handy accessory screen for audio visual examples.

No more unresolved sexual energy. No more sexual wilderness. No more confusion as to high road or low. It’s all there in a handy, compact, concise presentation backed up by the highest technology known to man or woman. Suction cups, voice activated/drop-down units, are provided for the kinky on the more spendy systems.

Commands carry with them such crisp innuendo as Take Me Home, Drive Me To…, and Open the Champagne! Voice recognition allows participants some sense of security while coded mounting discourages identity theft on most models.

Negative side affects include the speeding of stupidity and the inability to apply logic, chronic blockage of brain waves, and the desire to make wooly sheep sounds.

The cost of the Lover’s GPS Series Operator’s Aid runs between $100 and $500 depending on a slew of accessories and power adaptors. Now you can enjoy pharmaceutical drugs, text and talk on your phone till you puke, never worrying about where you are at a particular time or junction. Turn left in 2.1 miles…Your destination is on the right.

Don’t be last!

Serious public information poster by Jeff Brown, Real Alaska Magazine, Juneau

Separation of Church and State Deemed Success

(Mao Clinic  —  September 17, 2016) The risky and highly experimental separation of church and state has been called a tentative success according to surgeons here. Although the patients have returned to their corners, lingering doubts clearly remain as to the long-term status of each.
The well-publicized medical procedure had been classified as an emergency after the two entities, despite stringent prohibition by the U.S. Constitution, grew to form an intimate relationship.
Chief Surgeon Max “Eddie” Rufus warned celebrants that it is still not clear how such often symbiotic institutions would function after the operation.
“Creeping control by religious groups is staunchly banned by our Constitution, a document often quoted but never read by most on the American Right,” he said. “Today we have politically charged preachers running churches that pay no tax. That is immoral. If these clerics tell their congregations how to vote, then their silly salvation machines must pay taxes too.”
Due to the emergency status all attending physicians are shielded from malpractice suits by either party. Doctors first recognized the trauma and symptoms in the early 1700s, but the Puritans and others squashed any attempts to solve the problem through medical means.
“It came off without a hitch,” said Dr. Cheshire Katt, a leading Siamese healer who wrote the book The Grand Surgery. It keynotes the dangers inherent in corporal and symbiotic codependencies.
“When we opened things up, we found two functioning brains and separate organs in place,” said the Siamese Katt.
Proponents of the treatment say the recovery must be closely monitored by citizens who are often more interested in shopping than their country’s good health.
“Our hopeful diagnosis is that people wake up,” he added
Full recovery could take up to 6,000 years according to Katt

– Fred Zeppelin