All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

School Lunch Menu

Montrose School District, January, 2018   

Public service announcement

Monday:

Salad of Mallard, Foie Gras, Orange and Aniseed

Jerusalem Artichoke Soup

Lobster Cocktail with Pesto

Veal with Blackberry Sauce

Onion Risotto

Lavender Crème Brownie or French Beignets

Taylor Fladgate (15 year)

Tuesday

Tapas Plate

Roasted Kumamoto Oysters

Dinkling Green Red Leg Partridge

Peruvian Potatoes Puree

Late Season Fennel with Smoked Apple

Pressed Goat Cheesecake

Conco y Toro Sauvignon Late Harvest (Chile)

Wednesday

Beetroot salad

Young leeks

Loin of Monkfish Wrapped in Butter Puff Pastry

Braised parsnips

Forest Mushrooms with Walnut Parsley Fried Rice

Bahian Coffee and Petit Fours

Martel Cordon Bleu

Thursday

Escargot Pot de Crème

Carpaccio of Cauliflower

Langouistin Ravioli

Skate Cheeks Tempura

Maple-glazed Thumbelina Carrots with Macona Almonds

Clotted Cream Éclairs

Flaming Brandy Punch

Friday

Ahi Tuna Nicoise Salad

Pomme Frites with Truffle

Beef Tournedos with Port Wine and Stilton

Rack of Lamb with Sauce Paloise

Tomato Fondue

Chocolate Sorbet

Remy Martin XO

Cigar selection: Arturo Fuente or Macanudo

Horseshoe Readership Figures Disputed

(Colona) Dead people, ghost towns, morgues, fictitious literary characters, cartoons and in one case an entire hotel registry of guests from 1898 have allegedly been claimed as regular readers in the latest San Juan Horseshoe demographics survey released this week.

Along with these fringe aficionados of refried news the paper claimed 350 readers in tiny Maher, which boasts a population of 20, 7500 readers in Naturita and over 12,000 readers overseas despite the fact that there is no mailing receipt or any indication that the paper has left the country.

In addition the publisher has named included his mother on the subscriber list at least 30 times and claims regular perusal by dogs, cats, livestock and exotic birds.

“How they got hold of the team rosters for the NHL, NFL and NBA is anyone’s guess,” said investigating officers sent to Colorado by the FCC. “Claims that all of the players read every issue are common balderdash.”

The principals at the paper face prosecution for misleading advertisers, mail fraud, and illegal dumping.

“We became suspicious when the Horseshoe readership figures outpaced massive urban dailies like the New York Times and the San Francisco Chronicle,” said one of the federal snoops. “In one case the Western Colorado flyer registered digestion levels higher than the Denver Post and added that its pages were interpreted by “a high percentage of the filthy rich.”

Publisher General Kashmir Horseshoe told the press that he expects to beat the mail fraud rap but that the littering infractions might stand.

“We can’t deny hard evidence like the papers in the Uncompahgre River but I expect that our sales associates will go on lying to advertisers just like before. In over 42 years of publication “dressing up the truth” and “painting pretty pictures” has become tradition and is still in vogue.”

Horseshoe went on to say that there is no proof that the dead cannot read and that hundreds of tropical birds and puppies often catch a glance of headlines or scan the obituaries while doing their business.

“They represent documented readers,” he laughed. “Many, in fact are contributors as well.”

– Small Mouth Bess

Toole Boasts About Bluffing to His Readers

“The inside of my head is far more interesting than city council meetings and gov’ment press releases. I prefer to make up the news.”

That’s what one man told us when asked about the ethics of spreading mistruths.

Satire is often based on some ridiculous twist of fate or departure from reality. It only wants to entertain. Lies or fake news is an attempt to change one’s behavior and opinions by presenting falsehoods on which to base future action.

Citing “Trump vs Trudeau” Toole argued that the court had found for the plaintiff and therefore dictates similar actions with regard to mistruths and misrepresentation. He added that the similarity of consonants at the beginning of the leaders’ names clearly indicates previous collusion.

Unable to read or write, the longtime copy editor made friends easily despite constantly stretching the truth for profit.

“One of the least confrontational chaps in a world full of ambush and pettiness.,” said longtime friend, Arthur Stanley Blurts, who was incarcerated from 2009 to 2011 for lying to his mother.

“I could bamboozle anyone from a sheik to a shoeshine boy,” whelped Toole. “I particularly enjoy lying to special counsels and public libraries.”

Making up statistics and gift wrapping them as the truth creates victims on both sides of the maneuver. The liar starts to believe his own lies while the lied to is thrown into a no-man’s land where no one could be trusted. Healthy human beings learn to embrace honesty in second grade.

“He not only creates all of this mindless intrigue in his head but he tells everyone it the real deal. People are so confused at this point that no one knows the square root of 49 anymore. That’s my lucky number so beat it. I’m on my way to see my sugar,” said Blurts.

Toole did not return our calls Friday. A close aide said he was quite busy on the driving range and afterward was expected at a liar’s poker tournament in the greenskeeper’s shed.

-Gabby Haze

Sagebrush Continues to Pile Up on Pennsylvania Avenue

(Warshington) Tons of sagebrush, dropped off in apprehension of a spiritual cleansing of the White House, is still blocking the pavement tonight despite attempts by Deep State and Park Personnel to remove them.

The colossal heaps, growing into mammoth mountain masses, began as a tiny offering of one small sagebrush plant brought by one or another group defamed, insulted and/or maligned by the present occupant of the heavily guarded white mansion. The miniscule deposit continued to grow to epic proportions in response to calls for “a spiritual awakening in the charlatan caverns of what was once a dignified dwelling.”

An eerie countdown accompanied the gathering of both people and plants. Sagebrush is said to have healing powers when burned. The sage burning ritual, or smudging, is an Indigenous American practice, which cleanses auras and rids a place of bad energy.

“It’s a spiritual communion that changes the shifting air element and transforms our experience to a mystical one,” said Alice Wiccan, an activist who says she would rather wait for “certain people to voluntarily relinquish claims to the place and leave due to their own premonitions.”

According to ancient beliefs a simple ritual will purify a given location by driving out conflict, anger and evil. “Air, fire, water, earth, cleanse, dismiss, dispel” is a popular mantra if readers would like to try the process in their homes.

Yesterday, over at the Capitol, sagebrush was ignited sending senators, congressmen and lobbyists heading for cover. Many thought it was a protest against the lingering criminality of cannabis or a book burning and continued with the business at hand: How to recover and salvage over 250 stranded yachts, crippled by Hurricane Maria. When they found out about the sagebrush they dropped all pretense about pleasure craft, tabling any further talk about the vanquished island territory and its desperate residents without basic human services.

Activists plan to release the home addresses of citizens that fall into the One Percent category so that enthusiasts can cleanse their residences too in the spirit of brotherly love.

Despite accusations on the part of Attorney General Jeff Sessions no one appeared to be smoking the stuff as of noon today. The pile is expanding despite efforts on the part of District Refuse Specialists to haul it over to _________ County in Maryland.

“It worked for the refugees from gentrification,” said a Sessions’ aide.

The current resident of the Oval Office was not available for comment during the ruckus. A spokesman for his skeletal staff confirmed reports that he was busy hosting a banquet for the World Wrestling Federation in the West Wing Coliseum. They then nervously exhorted their anxious, yet loyal colleagues to man their guns insisting that the Air Force was not likely to attack the White House after only one eviction notice.

– Warren of Wexley

 

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The Kerry Man Cannot Be Fooled!

An American balloonist took off from London and headed west over the Irish sea as planned. He passed over Dublin, then Kilkenny but when he attempted his descent he was pushed and pulled by gusty winds and sent farther west of his destination. Concerned, he made the proper adjustments but still continued to flow west. Soon, after dropping some elevation he found himself over what appeared to be County Kerry, drifting out in to the open Atlantic and big trouble.

Just as he passed over what he thought was the Dingle Peninsula he saw a Kerryman out working in his fields. As a last resort he yelled down to the man: “Excuse me sir but…but where am I?”

The man looked up, surprised and responded, “You can’t fool me. You’re up in that little basket hanging from a hot air balloon.”

GAELIC SHIPS LAND IN WALES

(Editor’s note: Last night I had a happy dream, as sweet as it could be. I dreamed that then brave Irish men had set old Ireland free).

(1644) A combined force of Irish and Old English Cavaliers remains anchored just off the coast of Wales at Cardigan Bay this morning. As the sun rose thousands of well-armed Irish troops began their cross-country trek toward London.

As expected, Welsh regiments joined the Irish in their attempts to snuff out the abuses of the Roundhead element under Oliver Cromwell. Background: These forces, along with Royalists loyal to English King Charles I, had been embroiled in a bloody civil war since 1642. The year before Gaels in Ireland had arisen in an attempt to drive out the plantation settlers who were given large tracts of land in Ireland in return for loyalty to Elizabeth I. These lands were taken from the native population many of whom now lived an impoverished life in their own country.

Saying that they’d rather have the Irish than Cromwell or the King, for that matter, the Welsh were relieved to know that the Irish would not stay.

“We do not want England,” said Finn MacCool, a Celtic warrior. “We just want England out of Ireland. They’ve cut down our virgin oak forests and confiscated our farms while forcing the earls of Ulster from their lands. We don’t like them.”

Despite these emotions the Irish promised not to harm the English peasantry, who they say are pawns in the evil masterplan to subjugate the world.

“We’d just like to teach them to read and about all the cultures of these islands,” said Hugh O’Neill, Earl of Tyrone. “It is through this kind of understanding that we can avoid future conflicts and live side by side in peace. Ignorance is the enemy of all men. How do you think the Puritans rose to power in the first place?”

Many English cheered as Druids priests condemned the practice of witch burning and the harsh philosophies of the Puritans.

“These barbarians must be stopped,” said Brian Boru, victor of Clontarf. “There will be no peace with these religious zealots under arms.”

The Irish high command in Kinsale has offered amnesty to any Puritan soldier who surrenders. Those who do not will face the sword or a life of slavery in the Caribbean. Although both the French and Spanish governments had pledged assistance in the punitive action against Cromwell the Irish declined the offer.

“We ourselves can handle the situation,” said O’Neill.

– Finbar O’Haille

THE MOUSE ON THE BARROOM FLOOR

Some Guinness was spilt on the barroom floor,

when the pub was shut for the night.

Out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse

& stood in the pale moonlight.

He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor,

then back on haunches he sat.

All night long you could hear him roar:

Bring on the goddamn cat!

– Thanks to the Ouray Canavans for this ditty