All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
PEOPLE NEED MORE SLEEP IN SPRING, SAYS DOC
(Snorewood) The average human requires more sleep at the change of seasons than during the rest of the year according to one bloated authority on the subject. Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, author of Cat Naps, Siestas and Blackouts, told a group of insomniacs here that due to energy shifts and the onset of cold weather the body descends into a semi-hibernation pattern not unlike that one experienced by other fur-bearing mammals.
“Ignoring this bodily function can lead to depression and illness,” said Pennywhistle. “One must learn to properly respond when the body makes demands of this nature. Fighting off fatigue in favor of career considerations or in order to honor social obligations can be devastating.”
Pennywhistle estimates that the average, healthy human may require up to 22 hours of sleep per day with many getting by with as few as 18 hours in a 24-hour period.
“Put that Protestant work ethic out to pasture this time of the year and resign yourself to some horizontal therapy,” said the doctor who added that “just spending extended time in bed, especially when engaging in amorous behavior, will not fill the bill when good old-fashioned rest is what is needed.”
– Rocky Flats
NRA BLASTS TROPHY HUNTERS
(Montrose) The National Rack Association today condemned trophy hunters as heartless brutes who are more interested in decorating their walls than harvesting food or the romance of the hunt. The organization called on all bucks and bulls in the region to resist the temptation to fraternize with hunters of all kinds.
“It’s often an ego thing on the part of the male of the species,” explained one NRA organizer. “The animal imagines himself adorned on the wall, admired by all, but forgets that he must make some mortal sacrifices to get there.”
The NRA, a non-profit, just like the National Rifle Association, was formed in 1977 in an attempt to help herd animals deal with the annual fall stress. In its charter it clearly states that “although we find carnivores repulsive we cannot change our degrading status on the food chain. We are not naive enough to expect to end centuries of this ritual but rather we are in business to preserve the honor of our species and promote mental health within the ranks of the survivors.”
It’s simple enough, according to a former taxidermist who is now active within the NRA: “Although not an easy task most of the herd animals can deal with humans cooking them up with potatoes and carrots. It’s the mutilation for decoration mentality that the animals find offensive.”
-Gabby Haze
Blue collar plot would drop 10,000 bowling balls on White House
The sky isn’t falling yet, despite the efforts of a group of angry blue-collar workers who police say planned to rain down bowling balls on the White House.
The assault on the power point had reportedly been planned for a weekday when Trump wouldn’t be playing golf in Florida. Police remain baffled as to the details but concluded that “someone was pissed”. The alleged weapon, estimated to be thousands of bowling balls, has not been located. The heavy balls are believed to be hidden somewhere between Toledo and Detroit.
In connecting the dots on this crime of gravity the authorities confirmed that over 50 helicopters would be in the air above the presidential residence until the culprits are brought to justice.
And that’s not all. Remember the Chinese space lab, Tiangong-1, that has been orbiting the earth since 2017? It is expected to crash down to earth in latitudes corresponding to the location of the White House. The reentry is expected in early April.
In stepping up security in and around the famous residence police found mounds of broken pottery shards scattered all over the chief executive’s office. Whether this was a precursor to a quick departure for parts unknown.
Sorry to have mislead you…
In last night’s edition we erroneously reported that our man was Toole chased through Bogota (Colombia) Airport by small, unidentified men wearing Jeff Sessions masks. This may not be entirely true: After cross-examination it turned out to be just a dream enabled by late night arepas with sardines, aguardiente and chocolate ice cream.
We hope that our reader will continue to trust us to provide only the truth herein, as standard bearer for what is clean, concise veracity in the dissemination of information. We pledge fidelity, integrity and dedication with regards to the Truth of the Day despite the fact that it often runs the gamut between bad fish and stale upside-down cake.
-Editor
Snowman in Colombia
Despite no snow in these mountains they still build snowmen.
Deer and elk not in compliance
(Ridgway) Wild herd animals residing in the mountains near here continue to be uncooperative in the efforts to keep the local park free of debris, especially of the fecal nature. Currently dog owners appear willing to pick up after their pets, whose numbers, compared to the those of deer and elk that use the facility, are paltry.
The city has posted popper units and paper pickup supplies at the park’s scoop stations. They have even posted the familiar: “It’s the Law” threat but the response has lingered well behind since the perpetrators have no money.
“It’s disgusting,” said one resident. “There’s poop everywhere. Don’t these animals have any pride, any restraint?”
DOW officials, consulted on how to solve these pressing problems, confirmed reports that they had no specific fix in mind.
“We have the same trouble up above timber line with the fragile tundra at risk,” said one ranger. “Our little signs keep 200-pound people honest but have little if any effect on 2000-pound elk. I think it’s time we give it up.”
A March study is on the docket to determine exactly how much of the problem is being created by the elk and deer and what to write off as human error. If the crisis continues the wild animals may be banned from the park in 2019.
