All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Colorado rescinds mandatory dog ownership
“It’s OK not to have a dog.”
(Crested Butte) The state of Colorado has overturned a decades-long ruling with a sticky provision that had required each new mountain resident to acquire a dog upon arrival to the specific town. The revocation frees residents from canine stipulations and allows for a dog-free household depending on human preferences, needs and capabilities.
The old law, that states clearly that all mountain town residents be required to “own” a dog, was seen by many as a dinosaur that needed to be put to rest. Progressives and conservatives have called the focus on new occupants unconstitutional.
“The law first emerged when there were only a few people around,” said one old timer. “We needed dogs to guard against bear and mountain lions and lord only knows what else is out in these woods. Now there are far too many. Now we have draconian leash laws that make a mockery of running free in the wilds.”
The legislation, which goes into affect in 2019, did not undress the irresponsibility of humans, pooper scooping, dogs-at-large or the price of pet food at the local market.
“What a relief,” said one dog owner. “Now people in mountain towns can choose whether they want a dog or not. It’s OK not to have a dog. It doesn’t mean you are insensitive or not tuned into our mute friends. You can still have dogs that are your friends without the closer relationships brought on by such social arrangements as dependence, co-habitation and dramas with cats (if there is one on premises).”
Most people here in the upper Gunnison Valley say the new law will not affect them since they have a dog and everyone seems pretty happy with the day to day exchanges between human and canine. Many feel dogs will enjoy more freedom if there are fewer living here.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
THE RAZOR’S EDGE: A short peek at shaving
In honor of NATIONAL HAIR MONTH
Stubble in the form of whiskers has been with us almost since the invention of the face. As cultures have changed throughout history, so have people’s attitudes toward whiskers. The early people of the Fertile Crescent wore their facial hair proudly. Artifacts have been uncovered that show a proud Sumerian man with his beard adorned with oil and chicken bones and bits of parsley, although some scholars suggest that these findings merely showcase sloppy ancient eaters.
An early legend tells of a man with his beard decorated with many bits of bread. The story says that, even though this was very attractive to ancient females, the man had a perplexing problem of birds swooping constantly upon his beard. This so annoyed him that he took to pulling large chunks of his beard out until the clean-shaven look was born. Today’s modern men (and even some women) would never consider this gruesome method to be a proper removal of unwanted facial hair.
Actual shaving was done some years later with pottery shards. Many archeological digs reveal literally truckloads of pottery shards. For years archeologists thought these were bits of broken ceramic vessels, but now many believe these shards to be, not broken bits, but original shaving tools. Some scientists believe that the shards even say, “bic” on the back.
As hygiene evolved, new and better tools came along. Finally, a sharpened razor blade with a handle was invented by a Greek inventor named Idios. Idios also invented an electric razor, but electricity was unfortunately not available for 2200 more years. But the razor blade was plenty exciting enough for people akin to using pottery shards.
In fact shaving got to be such a joy that even woman and children got into the act. Thus up until this century children were sometimes affectionately called “little shavers.”
Today stubble removal is easier than ever. Still it requires time and daily attention. If a man spends 3-5 minutes every day shaving then over the course of his lifetime this could add up to hundreds of years. Little wonder then that many men prefer to let at least some of their facial hair grow, the hair above their top lip, or on their chin, or all the hair on the left side of their face for example.
So then what of the future of shaving? Some analysts forecast a time in the near future when men can get a shave over the internet. A technology institute in Germany is currently experimenting with a hat that projects a holographic image over the wearer’s face so that he appears to be clean- shaven at all times. Holograms, on-line shaving, who knows what’s in store? Call me old fashioned, but I like hot shaving cream, a straight razor and barber shop aftershave.
“I don’t really want to do anything, I just want to own.”
– Gen. Worthington Bulbous, Military Industrial Complex
Deadline nears to write off lost golf balls
The Internal Revenue Service reminds us that Friday marks the termination of an innovative program that allows golfers to deduct the cost of lost golf balls from their 2018 federal income taxes. You may cheat at golf but now you won’t feel compelled to cheat at income taxes.
It’s pretty simple. Golfers can now embrace legal linkster subtractions from their bottom line when filing 1040s. In that once shameful arena called tax loopholes we see law-abiding taxpayers where we once saw crooks.
Losses must be documented according to a loosely fitting national tax code, although three balls per hole is the limit. Empty boxes and lengthy searches will not be accepted as validation of deficit or shortfall. Insiders say it is a windfall for sportsmen…much like how anglers enjoy trout credits and skiers profit with tight boot points.
Critics here in Colona say the programs aid only the rich and elite who already have the money for these pastimes. They say poor people who are actually in need of financial relief will never engage in golf, skiing or fly fishing due to prohibitive costs attached to the sports.
Look what I found!
“We’ll just throw them a soccer ball with their daily meat allotment and they’ll carry on like before,” said the wealthy author of many entitlement programs benefiting upper tier.
In other news:
Tattoo bans lifted by many local courses.
Controversial tattoo laws that have clouded the fairways this summer may be a thing of the past. Today three leading courses said they would drop the ban on weekdays for the fall.
Tattoos are still prohibited on many public courses and often frowned on at high dollar, malingering private clubs in Colorado.
“If they are stupid enough to pay our annual fees they can come play golf in a frilly lampshade and pearl-studded flippers for all we care,” said Efram Pennywhistle, heir of the Want to Be Rubber fortune and veteran sand trap marshal.
Golfers playing through November are reminded that whack points awarded for hitting other golfers do not include those over 90 who are not really moving. These bonus gift points can only be accumulated in the summer and in no way reflect handicaps.
Also: Golfers who walk courses rather than ride carts could attain the coveted surfer status by the first snowfall whether it arrives in November or May. Although provisional, the recognition is final only after riding a slicing riptide across the Pacific to China.
-Alfalfa Romero
Baby Eats Software, Grandparents Held
Grandparents in hiding after software malfunction
(Montrose) a 2-year-old toddler who ate a large quantity of computer software Monday while visiting his grandparents, has been released from St Roscoe’s For Profit Hospital this morning.
Doctors say the child will be fine. They prescribed an assortment of drugs and suggested a change of diet. A minor surgical application removed the alien programs and replaced it with healthy data. No viruses were reported.
It was not clear if the grandparents would be charged with negligence or complicity in that they were asleep at the time of the alleged incident. All have been in seclusion since the weekend. It is not known if the parents were on the premises when the incident went down. Police are investigating.
All responsible parties are warned to keep software in a secure child-proof location.
Council drags heels on hooker restrictions
(Knuckles County) Despite the urgings of established citizen clusters, civil liberties factions, night owls, early risers, bar flies and congregations the Mañana town Council has yet to make a decision on street walkers.
The illicit behavior, in the crosshairs since money for sex became illegal here in 1944, has always been brushed aside by deniers, while remaining a whisper by patrons. Now lawmakers must decide whether to tolerate this kind of behavior within town limits.
Fathers and mothers don’t talk about that kind of thing but that doesn’t make it go away. Local interest is constant with activity increasing with booms and yet holding its own during recessions.
“The burr in my saddle is that despite the presence of this questionable industry in our midst we get no revenue,” said Mayor Julie Pettifogger. I’d like to see the matter settled one way or the other with the benefit of street walker taxes or registration fees so as to improve the town coffer.”
Scores of citizens favor outlawing hookers but admit that that has never worked before. Numerous others say legislating morality won’t remove the situation in that demand dictates market practices even in this shady commerce.
“We will continue our vigil and do nothing,” said the mayor. “A new council will be seated in 2020. Maybe they can make headway. Meanwhile so many others sell themselves for money without taking off their clothes. Hypocrisy reigns.”
In other news:
The much-lambasted Colona curfew, lifted after 40 years this month, allows the Colonese the right to walk around after dark. Although traffic is immeasurable at present, town fathers and mothers project a surge in pedestrian behavior. Many strollers, however, remain hesitant to test their new freedoms.
A strong cross-section of those interviewed said they liked the curfew while others found it unreasonably restrictive in that it does not curtail the movement of wild animals allegedly living in the forests and mesas nearby.
– Melvin O’Toole
Hot dog contest champion explodes
(Mañana) A Maher man, Rufus Maxwell, 95, has exploded after eating 87 hot dogs in under 40 minutes during a Myopic County Fair contest. The feat represents 3 dogs shy of the existing record established in 2010.
The annual exposition had not seen anything like this before, unless one counts the high-wire, two-headed chicken act from Uravan that brought down the house in 1952. Then, of course, there were the full-contact digital quilting clashes on the cliffs high above Horsefly Canyon just last year.
None offered the drama and terminal depth of Maxwell’s sudden demise.
It all began quite innocently. A hot dog eating contest – what could be more tranquil, more American? Then, while firmly in the lead, contestant Maxwell, a Wimpton undertaker, gobbled down his 87th tube steak he puffed up, blasted off and dropped dead right in front of grandma and the kiddies who had come to watch the festivities.
“He didn’t choke or nothing. We think he just filled up and detonated,” said Arlo Kasket, Assistant Coroner from over in Pinkyville. “Rufus never weighed more than 135 pounds even after winning the pie eating bout in 2017.”
Others finishing the ingestion match were Julianne Pettifogger, the first woman to swim from Utah to California; Cuerdo Gordo, a decorated bait trimmer from LaSal Junction and the timeless “Patron” Manual Flushe, who raises thoroughbred vienna sausages on his palm-laden manor near Colona.
Judges will conduct a secret lottery to determine who would be declared winner on the night before Maxwell’s funeral.
Onlookers agreed that the enduring struggle with hot dogs was reminiscent of Paul Newman’s predicament in Cool Hand Luke (arguably the best film ever made),
where the hero bragged that he “could eat 80 eggs”.
The upcoming Mañana County Fair, slated for Labor Day Weekend, will feature an alternative vegetarian hot dog eating contest and solar barrel races in honor of the deceased.
Myopic County officials were virtually impossible to reach after the incident. Local scuttlebutt strongly suggests they are attempting to minimize collateral damage to the seasonal carnival which brings in over 4.5 billion dollars to the local economy each August.
Did you know…?
For centuries a term of endearment, Toots (or Tuts, even Tutz in the old Sicilian) was blacklisted as “politically incorrect and offensive” in 2018 for alleged sexist innuendo.
Despite the rejection, the term is still in use in poly-ethnic/geographical pockets, most notably from New York to Boston and in noted Gumba enclaves of Greater Los Angeles.
Next Month: Whadayanuts? – is this word really only two syllables?
