All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

PURITANS LAND IN MASS. EN MASSE

(Salem — 1928) A large group of dark-clad, clearly anxious pilgrims calling themselves Puritans have landed on the rocky coast near Marblehead just to the east of here. According to eye witnesses within the indigenous population the funny looking aliens wore stiff collars and wool dress despite the harsh summer weather.

Estimates say there were over 300 of the bug-eyed, somber arrivals. While the actual landing was carried off in an organized manner, several of those present worked until dark unloading crates of guilt which they intended to share with the natives. The New World guilt was processed on the island of Monserrat by Irish slave children, survivors of the Cromwell wars. Much of the cargo replaced reason and compassion on the wooden ships.

“We just ran out of room and opted to keep our weapons, our rigid ideas and a good helping of guilt so as to embrace the future for continental generations to come,” said Orville Pulpitt, an elder said to favor hair shirts and is prone to epic sermons. Unfamiliar with a sextant (which was invented in 1731) Pulpitt took to calling out the demons in the sea and splashing himself with salt water in what some say was an attempt to control seizures brought on by an advanced case of the scurvy.

Puritan missionary work in North America

It is not known if this brand of Calvinism would take root in the New World or if the Roundheads, long persecuted in England, would tolerate other religious ideologies in the forests of New England. Already rumors reaching Europe tell of witch burnings and castigation of fringe/liberal church members.

One member of local Pennacook tribe expressed concern about the new neighbors, saying they appeared pompous and judgmental despite the peaceful message in their sacred guidebook. He plans to move north to avoid potential conflict with the zealots.   

– Kashmir Horseshoe

“Coaxing rain drops on a dry Colorado afternoon is like raising the flag on a lover who has fallen asleep.”

– Susanne Composte

Broncos make curtain call with one quarterback

The Denver Broncos will begin the 2018 season with just one quarterback on the roster. Traditionally teams save one or two spots for backups at that position. Sources all over the league questioned the decision.

The move, however, allows the National Football League club to carry two extra cheerleaders.

The Denver Broncos will play with one quarterback on the roster so as to add two cheerleaders to that squad.

Quarterbacks are particularly vulnerable due to injuries suffered while engaged at the often-precarious role of play caller/field marshal. The one-man action was seen as reckless and risky at best according to local sports personalities.

“The expansion of the cheerleading and drill team should never take precedence over a strong, flowing offense or special teams,” said a former Bronco coach, who once banned women from football practices. “I feel differently today. I have nothing against a woman on the field in a short skirt just so long as she can fill in at outside linebacker.”

No one could confirm any link to the pre-season developments even as two former backups now line up with the practice squad. The two cheerleaders are undrafted free agents who impressed in camp, not waiver bait or throw-aways from other teams according to persons who have no idea what they are talking about.

“Things could easily change during the long season,” said the former coach, “but with the strict salary cap imposed by the NFL the Broncos could still end up on the short end when it comes to field crews, tackling dummies and Gatorade humpers.”

– Tommy Middlefinger

MORATORIUM ON PROPERTY EXCHANGE PASSES

(Crested Butte) A controversial and potentially lethal ordinance, that prohibits the exchange of mountain property after January, has gained the approval of the town council here. In a town long known for an innovative approach to commerce, the decision was received calmly by most. However, anger and confusion reigned within the real estate sector and in other fringe interest groups engaged in land speculation and tumbleweed investments.

The moratorium could achieve stability in land prices since no one can buy or sell property after the deadline. Supporters of the plan say it will weed out the profiteers and transform the local population into one dominated by people who simply want to enjoy living here. The brave, new world will then be populated by people who have purchased land and homes simply to live in and not short-term profit.

“It should improve our lifestyles significantly,” said one council member who is in favor of the concept.

Opponents of plan say it is ridiculous to infringe on the rights of private property and that it is un-American to attempt to control free trade.

“It’s like rent control in the cities and even worse,” said one realtor who admitted that she would have to pack up and move to Paonia if the ordinance goes into effect.

One thing appears certain: If the ordinance prohibiting land transfers is adopted the market will be brisk this fall. The green light does not yet affect Crested Butte South, Mount Crested Butte or an assortment of outlying communities, but rumblings in many of these environs suggests that year-round populations there will follow suit in solidarity with the Crested Butte design.

“Let the soil panderers make a healthy pay check or two before their little world comes crashing down,” said one unreliable source.

The realtors have scheduled a meeting for Wednesday night in hopes of solidifying an effort against the moratorium.

In other council notes the governing group voted to pave their driveways by December and to give licensed dogs the vote in 2020.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Saguache, Uncompahgre isolated in alien codebook

The Four Corners Department of Spacemen and Strange Visitors has issued a warning for Saguache County and the Uncompahgre Valley after intercepting coded messages from outer space. The hacked correspondence references these specific places in Colorado seemingly using them as poles, landing zones or even assault points.

“We are no more than Belgium in 1914 and 1940,” dramatized a bitter Lake City resident. Our two arrogant neighbors get all the press and we sit here with more landing zones than a three-legged sky diver.”

The decoded message has emerged as a coherent document from a crowded agenda of infantile babbling to power point plotting to jigsaw cross-referencing over the past 10 years. The clear reference to more remote locales on the planet suggests that potential visits from space personnel are not far off.

“Maybe they can make some sense of this mess,” said a Saguache cattleman. “Even the cows don’t know what’s expected of them and that isn’t much,” he spat.

– Dolores Felicidad

Rose Hall Bid Hacked by Russians

(Cooperstown)  The continued exclusion of Pete Rose from the Baseball Hall of Fame is the result of intrusions by Russian robots that don’t know right field from the batting cage.

Supporters of Rose, arguably the best player ever to play the game, insist that there must be an evil, alien force behind the dirt that comes up on Rose every time there is another examination of his worthiness. The purposeful interference in baseball supersedes the alleged Russian collusion within the Trump Administration since baseball is hallowed and American politics are lewd and indecent.

“How else could the committee continue to blackball Rose?” asked a fan from across the river at Covington. “We’re not looking for him to get in the hall for his broadcasting talent or his personal charm but only as Charley Hustle.”

Purists insist that the Cincinnati Reds had nothing to do with the past snubs and that the similarity of names is coincidental.

“We were the Reds in 1869,” said one Rose aficionado. “Karl Marx didn’t make it to the big leagues until 1867 and Lenin failed to make an impact until 1905. Neither could hit the curve ball but did quite well in other arenas.”

– Tar Sands

HEDGE FUND THREATENS POCONOS

Hedge Funds in Northeastern Appalachians, circa 2018

(Pee Wee, West Virginia) A massive hedge fund is moving toward Pennsylvania this morning, swallowing up everything in its path. Leaving a wake of devastated flora and fauna as well as smoldering forests, the growing hedge fund is expected to engulf the Delaware Water Gap by nightfall. After that the Cranberry Bogs of Roscarberry are at risk.

Seismologists here detected an ominous tectonic plate shift as far away as Trout Run back in May but were instructed to keep the information top secret until the gov’ment could establish half-truths and potential alibis as to its role in the certain disaster.

Spreading its gooey, quicksand muck across an already desperate landscape the high-risk assailant is living on borrowed time. However, after three weeks it has not slowed its demonic, methodical march to the Ohio Valley and beyond.

Victims of roving hedge funds await rescue near Hershey

Even classic survivors like rats and roaches have met their maker moments after the deluge covered everything in slime and hedge silt. There is no antidote for the horrid reality of succumbing to the sludge. As insane as it may sound, surfers have congregated near the source of the hedge fund hoping to catch a wave like no other since the dawn of

(For more turn to Wall Street In Chains on Soft News)

In Other News: 67% of Americans void of lifestyle says Census Bureau.