All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Bannon May Have Met With Fallen Angels
On the heels of indictments and guilty pleas new evidence has emerged linking former White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon to the infamous Fallen Angels of Islamic and Christian lore.
The encounter allegedly took place last month in Antarctica where the Rebel Angels have reportedly been imprisoned since being expelled from Heaven before the dawning of mortal man.
In Milton’s Paradise Lost we meet Sinner Angels who, after a great battle with the Good Angels, led by Michael the Archangel, were hurled to earth to mix with and terrorize the unholy there.
According to a subpoena issued yesterday, Bannon was seen leaving Antarctica but never actually observed in the company of demons. He is suspected of visiting with Abezethibou (the one-winged Red Sea fallen angel) and Valefor (the many-headed lion).
Two others from of the fallen pack have agreed to testify in the case in return for reduced sentences. They are Beelzebub and Asmodeus, two royals in Hell. They did not capsulize any conversations but said the topic was most definitely centered on the Midterm Elections in November.
Bannon denied any wrongdoing adding only that demographics should never be confused with pictures of Satan.
“Isn’t it enough to be an angel or a demon?” asked one journalist covering the story. “What’s all this arch nonsense? This whole story smells of a rat. I think the parable was created so as to discourage people from rebelling against authority. It’s all about control,” he said.
Meanwhile the White House denied knowing Bannon at least three times before yielding to The Sarah Huckabee Sanders Cartoon Show aired on FOX that afternoon.
-Tommy Middlefinger
BIGFOOT, MISSING LINK CHECK IN FOR FALL
Bigfoot, (aka Yetti, Sasquatch,Loup-garou, Ucumar, Hoodoo, Grass Man, Yowi, Boggy Bill and Bad Smelling Tree Man) who has been vacationing in Miami since May, is expected back in Western Colorado by November.
“He’ll pop in after all these people go home,” said an unconfirmed source in the Everglades.
A large, suspicious looking creature, believed to be Bigfoot, was recently sighted near Almont on Friday
He’s frightened by fires and traffic.”
A Welcome Home Bigfoot celebration will be held in conjunction with the November Trout Are Us Banquet at Mañana Electric Shaver Square on November 6. (Held indoors unless in rains). Let’s hope the cookies and milk left out by the Salivation Army do the trick and he shows up.
Legend has it that Bigfoot had been spending his winters in the West Elk Wilderness and has been spotted wandering along Kebler Pass and as far south as Baldwin. Whether a surviving Neanderthal, an ape-man or simply a seven-foot-tall skinny dude that needs a bath and a shave, Bigfoot commands quite a presence.
Bigfoot sighting exactly two seconds before photographer was reunited with camera. “That boy is quicker than a fox if only half as smart.”
In a related piece local police say they are days away from cornering the Missing Link who has been on the lamb since 1969. “The Link” as his cult followers call him, is wanted in connection with genetic sacrilege and species diversion in four states.
In addition there are a bounty of county warrants accusing The Link of rigid transparency, conjured up simplemindedness and of aggravated evasion concerning issues such as origin and eternity.
He is also wanted in Grand Junction for loitering.
-Estelle Marmotbreath
“We are definitely alone out there, orbiting our chosen star like an onion bagel in the vast Universe.”
– Abe Salmon, Famous Ridgway Loxsmith
End of the summer heater
Koral Delatierra wails on Saturday night at the KBUT Big Blue Festival held at the IBar Ranch in Gunnison. Lead singer for the Telluride band Niceness, she belts out reggae in audience with the full moon. Ten bands and an assortment of festival fanatics roamed the grounds for two days, camping, eating, drinking and dancing. A fine job all around.
—Apology—
The San Juan Horseshoe Semi-annual Fly Swatting Seminar has been officially rained out and rescheduled for mid-October. Baiting, although considered extreme and crude by most professional swatters, will be permitted due to weather and time constraints. Rolled up newsprint, umbrellas and zappers are not acceptable and restricted from the premises at all times during the competition.
Interested participants should register by mail and remember to bring a big ball of water to be placed at the door, fly clothes, wing files, steel shoes, ear plugs, gauze head gear, face mask, dissection paraphernalia and plenty of drinking water.
Action at the 2017 event
“Nobody expects players to sprout eyes in the back of their heads but they must be aware and ready to retreat at the slightest movements,’ said head fly terminators. “We are interested in style and delivery, not body counts and messy backhands.”
As usual, no perfume wearers or smokers will be admitted. Dogs and alcohol are fine. The seminar will conclude with information on group hunts, organic interface, canning and taxidermy. An impressive display of different swatter models on the market for 2019 is also slated for afternoon sessions all week.
Tourist Tip # 611: Don’t you dare miss the daily Changing of the Flies at the Wimpton Landfill. It is listed as #4 in Things To Do Outside for the summer.
—Apology—
O’Toole hits into record pace 93 double plays
Melvin “Breakfast Meat” O’Toole hit into a record 93rd double play this afternoon, breaking ancient records dating back to Doubleday. The Mañana Ayers Double Dip Digit League standout performed the feat with 40 games left on the schedule.
Toole hanging in Manana, 1920
“It is unfathomable for a player to continue at this pace,” said Mona Byrnes, proprietor of Heart Byrnes Food Truck, which is often parked in front of the popular keystoner’s locker. “Imagine what he could do in 200 games!”
During the cycle O’Toole was repeatedly clocked at under a minute from home to first. Despite his catty ways at the plate his speed didn’t help his stats much. Some say he would have turned in even better numbers between second and third but, in his lengthy and distinguished career, he has never been to second or third.
“A hard grounder is a hard grounder…6 to 4 to 3,” said Byrnes between sausages and pizza. “It’s a lot like these nachos here. Without the salsa they’d never make it to first base.”
O’Toole is also famous for the introduction of a 200 mile-per-hour knuckle-curve back in 1919, which was subsequently banned in 1920 due to damage to backstops and injuries to batters, catchers and umpires.
– Susie Compost
