All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Chiefs Chargers, Even Raiders Picked to Finish Ahead of Broncos
As usual the jock-inspired TV whizzes have picked our boys to finish last in the AFC West again in 2018. But here is a second opinion, a very specific projection of the 2018 season written September 6. Keep for handy reference or file under “disrespect continues” and the next time you engage in an intimate correspondence with mlb.com remind them that we have a baseball team in Denver…Yes, right there in the National League and all.
SEAHAWKS – Opening game in Colorado marred by rain. Wilson gets to know Chubb. Seattle backs reacquaint themselves with Miller. Methodical victories are still victories when the clock runs out. Broncos 24 -10
RAIDERS – Keenan Coming Out Party. He throws for 4 touchdowns. Ex-Raider Marquette King pins his former team within their own 5 yard line four different times. Broncos defense dominates 36 – 7
RAVENS – Bad boys meet bad men. Broncos travel for one of those terrible 11 am game on the East Coast but walk away with victory 17-10. Royce Freeman runs for 100 yards. Kyle Haley records 25 tackles.
CHIEFS– KC picked but gets picked by the likes of Josey Jewel (2), Bradley Roby and Chris Harris Jr. I wonder where that guy Smith is today. Denver 27 – 13
JETS – In the Big Apple this “breather game” almost gets out of hand. Two returns by Phillip Lindsay (one punt and one kickoff in the 4th) save the day for Denver 24 – 17.
RAMS – Perhaps the toughest team on the schedule. 20 inches of snow on Saturday helps the Bronco cause if not the congestion around whatever they are calling the stadium this year. This pivotal victory redefines the season, making the 5- 0 Broncos 6-0 and making believers out of everyone in the Rockies. Denver 12 Rams 10.
CARDINALS – This Thursday matchup unveils a stunning aerial show with a slew of play-action grinders, sideline ballet and runs up the gut. Chad Kelly starts for ailing Case Keenum (food poisoning on Colfax) and throws for 600 yards. Is he the franchise in franchise?
CHIEFS – At Arrowhead where we must endure that idiot chopping chant. Despite the pressures of 7-0 the Broncos start hitting right off the bus and demolish the KC team 45 – 10. Devonte Booker runs for 200 years. Chad Kelly throws for 450. Betsy DeVos reportedly in the stands but to the chagrin of dwindling support base is wearing institutional green, presumably in support of food poisonings on Colfax.
TEXANS – Formidable team visits Denver. Jake Butts shows everyone why he is so highly rated catching two TD passes from Case Keenum. Late in the game he recovers an on-side kick attempt season the game for the Broncos 24 – 7. Defense allows less than 100 yards passing and rushing.
CHARGERS – Southern California after a bye week watches as the Broncos dismantle the highly rated San Diego defense while stifling the Charger offense with 5 turnovers in the first half. Emanuel Sanders and Demaryius Thomas put on a clinic catching a combined 18 passes in the 42 – 6 “upset”.
STEELERS – This much anticipated match pits the best two teams in the AFC in Denver. Big Ben knocked out in first quarter. Denver turns the tables on Pittsburgh with the blitz and the Denver offensive line controls the scrimmage points. Until the Play-offs then…
BENGALS – Away games in December have been an issue before but not in the Queen City. Von Miller records three sacks and Derek Wolfe creates and recovers a fumble on the Bengal 3. Bradley Roby makes an interception to seal this close one. Denver 31 Cincinnati 24.
49ERS – Surprisingly improved but still a few players short the 49ers lead the entire game only to be beat by a 94-yard punt return with 20 seconds to go. Broncos 20- 14. A perfectly executed block at the 10-yards line by fullback Andy Janovich springs Lindsay who races up the sideline to the end zone.
BROWNS – They must have improved since last week. The Broncos score 28 in the first half with Case Keenum then bring in Chad Kelly who throws for 3 more scores in the second half just because he can. NFL considers limiting the number of Irish quarterbacks on each team in 2019. Courland Sutton crosses the goal line twice with a loaf of brown bread from the two play callers.
RAIDERS – Ah, Christmas Eve with our friends in Black and Silver. Despite all the wanna be circus entertainers in the stands the play on the field is outstanding. Could the Broncos lose one? No, Denver prevails on a fluke safety and a recovered on-side kick that sets up a meaningless last second field goal. Broncos survive 18 – 14. They are now 15 – 0.
CHARGERS – Despite sitting many starting players, both of these play-off bound crews exchange touchdowns at a high-scoring tempo. Keenum throws for nearly 700 years while the starters prepare for post season. Broncos go 16 – 0 with this ridiculous 56 – 42 win.
If you disagree with these projections please move to another state. (New Mexico, Wyoming, Western Kansas, Utah and Nebraska don’t count).
PLAYOFFS
Denver knocks off Pittsburgh 21-14 and New England 36 – 10 to advance to the Super Bowl where they meet and defeat the New Orleans Saints by a touchdown.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Warning to tourists and hunters:
“Be on the alert for sinkholes.” Manana County Sheriff warns tourists on sinkhole dangers – too much weight on land – Time to cry “uncle” on vagabond tourism? It could happen at any minute. Once you were there – Now you’re not. Have been known to eat up entire villages and wreck havoc on the landscape.
Meanwhile mean bear and mountain lion have taken to inhabit these sinkholes waiting to pounce on unsuspecting prey. If you see anything suspicious call a geologist immediately!
Scribe busted for reading to homeless
(Fort Palm, FL) Editor Emeritus, Polly Parvenu, has been arrested and charged with reading to the homeless in this swank plastic land on the ocean. She had been accused of breaking a host of rigid ordinances, aimed at diminishing the homeless population in the region.
Parvenu says she is only doing good by reaching out homeless people and invited all to persons of integrity to help those who are less advantaged,
The longtime journalist has pleaded guilty to giving out hot paragraphs, high protein sentences, bowls of adjectives and cans of dangling participles to the needy this fall.
Despite ordinances the prohibit this kind of brotherly love she has pledged to continue the literary social service as soon as the cops let her go.
“We have restrictions in place not because we are mean, insensitive, greedy, xenophobic, racist, unhappy, resentful, frightened, suspicious, angry people but simply because we don’t want to be overrun by vagabonds during the winter months,” said a chamber of comments source. “That is our high season and we want to show a calm, collect, affluent and pseudo-tropical face. The last thing we need is needy people on the beach.”
Parvenu insists that sharing knowledge has never been against the law and that the transient population here will not rise or fall because of a few story hours. She adds that stories give many of these people a respite from the horrors of poverty.
“It’s becoming a crime to be poor in this country,” said Parvenu. “I want to see to it that it’s a crime to embrace ignorance.”
If convicted Parvenu will served 30 days in the library rather than pay a fine.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
“Poor Ash Judd…caught up with the Texans and climbed with them yet another snake fence. He saw woods fair ahead. There were such storms of balls emanating from those woods that Ash could could just about see them in the air like insects.”
– from The Confederates by Thomas Keneally
Colorado moves to seize foreign-owned property
(Cookie Tree Lake) The state of Colorado will begin taking possession of all properties owned by non-Coloradoans as part of a far-reaching attempt to reach economic parity in the new year.
In what is called radical by the landed gentry, the plan calls for the seizure and redistribution of all lands and dwellings currently held by non-residents, defined as persons who do not live within the state for at least 9 months per year. Recipients of projected windfall are landless peasants who live and work in Colorado.
Played down at the state house, out-of-state owners will be notified of their status early next week. Foreign property owners will then have six weeks to readjust their resident status to comply with the ruling or risk seizure.
“This is going to have major appeal with one group while negatively impacting the other,” said architect of the bill, Rep Oral Noise (Unitarian-Aurora). “We’re not trying to punish anyone for being rich or to destroy the second home owner phenomenon. We just want these people to live in their houses, spend their money here year-round and support the assortment of social services already available in Colorado. It’s not some socialistic land reform issue. It’s more a matter of justice.”
In the past years many out of towners have bought up pristine lands here, building large homes that are used for only a few weeks or months of the year.
“One doesn’t see many Coloradoans owning trophy homes in Texas or California. It happens but not at the rate that we are seeing in mountain towns within our borders,” said Noise. We only seek to slow down this growing trend toward absentee ownership.”
Attorneys for those affected say they will appeal the rulings on the grounds that private property laws cannot be manipulated in this manner.
“If someone form outside Colorado wants to own a piece of Colorado they should be able to do so,” said one lawyer from his office in Tulsa. “It’s not their fault hat the place is beautiful and that the lifestyle is attractive. Their routines should not be interrupted or dictated by this silly appraisal of the law by communists in Denver.”
Squatters are reminded that they must respect gates and no trespassing signs until this matter is concluded.
– Mongo Congo
“What shall we do with the drunken sailor, early in the morning?” – from The Drunken Sailor
Trump Wall could be built from crumbling infrastructure
(Falfurrias, TX) Architects here agree that materials needed to build the proposed Border Wall between US and Mexico could be easily procured from fallen down and decaying bridges, potholed highways and dubious airport runways still standing, and/or abandoned within the United States.
They conclude that 25% of the concrete, rebar, barbed wire, piping, plastic, stones, fiber reinforced polymers and wood studs and could be easily gathered within a 50-mile radius between Laredo and Corpus Christi. All could be harvested from once vital and imperative physical edifices and configurations that have fallen into ruin and never replaced by any gov’ment.
The proposed Good Neighbor Wall on the US-Mexico border looks a lot like another infamous European wall but unlike its concrete cousin can be built with failed and discarded infrastructure.
When one considers the mass of dysfunctional infrastructure in the country it is easy to imagine it as material for a security wall. When people stop caring for other people and start building walls to keep some in and some out the matter of deteriorating transportation and communication systems takes a back seat.
“See those warped and twisted train tracks over there,” gestured one local builder. “We could make 20 lookout towers with just part of that stash of steel. Crumbling infrastructure like the bricks of low-income housing and tiles of poorly built shopping malls could come in handy too especially with tariffs and environmental red tape.”
Just who would build the wall was not discussed.
Meanwhile a reported 200 tons of Gorilla Glue has arrived near McAllen with more expected at strategic border sectors by the weekend. It was not clear if an accidental rollover of a Mega Lard dumpster was related to these incidents.
“We’re just waiting for that check from Mexico to pay for the erection,” said an anonymous White House Press Secretary who has never told a lie.
– Fred Zeppelin
Future souls made of plastic says Heaven
A majority of souls issued after 2025 will to be made of plastic according to cherubs on offshore clouds, familiar with this sort of thing. The synthetic material is said to be akin to the thin, crisp plastic used for credit cards and exploratory medical procedures.
Heaven has reportedly been running short of the secret raw materials used to construct the traditional soul. In light of the way humans sometimes treat theirs it should come as no surprise that a crisis has emerged.
Generally issued at birth, souls have been the focus of religious and spiritual searching and often seen as the leg up that humans have over other animals. The ancients have alluded to the status of good souls or bad souls but very few really understand the phenomenon of the whole.
Even though we can’t see or touch them we all seem to realize that they are there and that they perform an integral part of being human. The soul is the hinge to integrity, compassion and conscience. Some scientists and clerics believe that not everyone was born with one.
“This could explain the existence of evil people on the planet,” said one faith healer who claims to have identified over 3000 auras in her lifetime. “When we say James Brown had soul we are talking about something altogether different. Soul is what makes us pleasing to the gods. Soul is why we get out of bed in the morning. Soul makes us look up into the sky for something familiar.
“Just because someone is soulless doesn’t mean they are heartless too,” said our source. “We can offer these chronic sufferers forehead chips that will substitute for a real soul. The recipient will notice heightened awareness of other beings and a sense of belonging which may not be advantageous in these mean times.
Look: Manfred Sycamore, recognized as the last full time elevator operator in North America (working at at Omaha’s now shabby Downtown Ribeye Hotel) claims that the souls of the dead ride with him on the elevator all the time.
“There’re eight of them in here right now,” said Sycamore, and I’m expecting another batch after the movie lets out.
To find out if you have a soul dial 1 800- OMY-SOUL. Warning: We are experiencing a high volume of calls.
