All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Champion Fly Swatter in Town
(Almont) Legendary fly assassin, Melvin O’ Toole is expected here this week to instruct the faithful in proper fly control techniques. The acclaimed “Matador de Moscas” (Fly Killer) will be offering classes for the beginner all the way up to expert fly combatant.
Toole’s 70 years of fly extermination experience is not likely to be lost on desperate local residents. Many are faced with large, aggressive green-headed beasts “in their buttermilk” that come down to lower country after a summer of torturing livestock up high.
Attributing his legendary status to long arms and concentration, Toole reportedly smashed an estimated 74 flies, during an interview with The Gunnison Times.
“He did it bare-handed, the old-fashioned way, one fly at a time,” said the paper “with nothing but a paper towel tube and three rubber bands.”
A bit jumpy, Toole sat rubbing his hands together during most of the interview.
– Rocky Flats
“The Maharaja of Gwalior killed over 1400 tigers in his lifetime and was the author of a work destined for a limited if select audience, “A Guide to Tiger Shooting.” – from Freedom at Midnight by Larry Collins and Dominique Lapierre.
Colorado beats Nebraska in Lincoln!
This could be the start of a wonderful football season. Watch out PAC-12
Catholic Church Adopts Wells Fargo PR Campaign
(Rome) The Vatican is about to unleash an aggressive ad campaign intending to spit and polish its tainted image after news of further sexual abuses on young children by priests in Pennsylvania.
The public relations attempts are closely modeled on an attempted cleansing by Wells Fargo Bank, a financial institution indicted for fraud and subsequently fined $185 million by the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.
The church appears perched to embrace the bank’s struggle to regain credibility began earlier this summer with the slogan “Earning back your trust – Our Recommitment to You” which pleads guilty as charged but promises to be good in the future.
“We are reinventing ourselves,” said a spokesman for the Vatican.
Will the ad campaigns sound like this?
Wells fargo – Established 1852 AD Reestablished 2018 – (Yes, we were crooks but forgive us and we’ll try to be honest the next go round.)
The Catholic Church: Established 1 AD Reestablished 2018.
Wells Fargo was indicted for creating fraudulent accounts without the consent of clients. The bank could face another $1 billion in fines over fraud that forced customers to purchase unnecessary car insurance during the scam to bilk people of their money.
The Catholic Church has lost credibility due to continued sexual assaults on children and the powerless people they are in theory suppose to be helping.
Both could face further civil and criminal suits. Wells Fargo answers to few while the Church answers to no one (unless maybe all the fear-mongering about Heaven and Hell jargon is actually true).
The concept of “earning back your trust” is a relative term since many worldwide would never consider trusting known predators like these…persons of trust, no?
Wells fargo had planned a campaign including an endorsement by preachers on the payroll but they dropped the idea because lawyers feared legal action. Same with Church – only they planned to bring in the Price of Darkness himself to scare their flocks back into submission.
The bank’s new Victim Account pays back lost funds but does little to protect people’s credit rating often lowered as a result of the fraud. It looks to be another whitewash. Meanwhile the Church has done little or nothing to correct the sins a longstanding predators. Will the betrayals and cover-ups continue?
Our team will continue to work to redeem itself and salvage the confidence of our designated flocks,” said an attorney working with both entities. “Trust may have gone out the window but in time people will forget and walk right through the front door again.”
One customer at Wells Fargo said it best: “I bank there because I like stage coaches.”
No convincing concern for victims. More sincere ad campaign might be Please excuse our sociopathic manner – We got caught but we’re trying to convince you that we are nice now.
Yes, life is good if you are on the top of the revolving egg.
These developments have left many of us wondering whether criminal deeds like these should prevent both of these institutions from doing business in the country at all.
What then is gained by dazzling the fool?
Wells Fargo has put on its dirty white hat and increased minimum wage paid to tellers and non-executive personnel. Will the Vatican share it’s immense wealth with the poor of the planet? Most likely not.
–Melvin Toolini
“I only drink to make others interesting.” – Rahsaan Larry Kleenex
Incredible benefits of hemp (continued)
By now we have all heard about the wondrous benefits of THC, CBD oil and hemp. Are these claims valid? These people think so.
“My husband broke his arm during his high wire act on Monday and by Thursday it was just like new thanks to cannabis,” says Marcelle Pesterman.
“He’s doing flips and working out on the rings just like before. What would he have done without it?”
“I was on experimental pharmaceuticals for ten years but now I just take two pills made of marijuana and coconut cream and no more pain. I give it to the cats and dogs and even my house plants.”
– Neville Hoser, Manchester City
“I lost a toe to a lawn mower in 2017. Then I started taking hemp pills and in just three months it grew back as good as new.”
– Beyone Dynamite, Las Vegas, NM
“I fell 13 stories and bounced right back up because of my hemp clothing. It insulates and it kept me from zero tolerance with the pavement. I said goodbye to cotton and polyester. Imagine where I’d be today without a little THC!”
– Chad Rammerbean, Delta, CO
“I used to get lots of speeding tickets but now with hemp I have slowed way down and can even smell the roses at 30 mph. Today I go with the flow. I don’t worry anymore.”
– Xeno Phobichek
Marianne Marvelous says it saved her from a life of crime. The former fracking model was headed down the path of alcohol and destructive drugs when she discovered the benefits of a bong hit in the morning. Today she sips an occasional glass of wine and hits the hay at dusk. “No more social trauma. No more frantic mornings. No more questionable people hanging in the parking lot. If there is a stairway to heaven its made of hemp,” she asserts.
– Stoned in Oklahoma City
“I tried everything for hair loss but when I started eating specially prepared hemp and herbs daily I was a regular at the barber shop.”
– Roscoe Sainte
See what cannabis can do for you!
Learn more: Pot Saved My Puppy! She was housebroken in 2 days!
Raiders Las Vegas Stadium to feature jail and courtroom
Las Vegas Stadium, the new home of the Las Vegas Raiders in 2020 will feature jail cells, judges and gavels to as to deal with unruly fans. Those caught fighting will have seats and season tickets revoked.
The National Football team has called Oakland home for 45 years. It will now play home games in Paradise, Nevada near the watered-down pseudo-sin city out there in the desert.
Stadium security, manned by regular Las Vegas Strip Cops, will attempt to embrace some sort of normality, despite the presence of the NFL’s most disrespectful and disrespected fans base cameos. Genuine Raider football fans should be ashamed of their fellows who miss the point of competitive sports altogether.
Raider fans: Not really so bad ass after all. Is something wrong here?
“These people, these Halloween imbeciles and black attention seekers are nothing more than a distraction from what’s going on on the field,” said former coach Spike Sahara “Considering the level of play in the past ten years that may be a positive. Today it is a ridiculous sideshow performed by narcissistic bullies and costumed thugs who firmly believe that it is all about them. They could be a roller derby for all they know.”
Many pro sources around the league quietly agree saying the gothic and grandiose conduct represents what is wrong with our country and ask why this kind of social interaction is tolerated and even embraced by a lower segment of the intellect and an even lower status of passive aggressive behavior.
“We’ve had years of practice dealing with these types,” said one Las Vegas officer. “Don’ forget – Las Vegas has been the epicenter of professional wrestling since the 70s”
“Despite the contradictions in his remarks, Ali was convinced he could be an effective diplomat — the “Black Henry Kissinger,” as he put it.” – from Ali-A Life by Jonathan Eig. (Mohammed Ali had offered to trade himself for the Iran hostages in 1979)
