All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

Gunnison “Pretty Cold” Last Night

(Gunnison) Weather factions hold up somewhere inside in their woolies, confirm that Gunnison was “pretty cold” last night. Although the exact temperature was never confirmed, unreliable sources at Main and Tomichi say levels dropped well below others state wide. Conflicting reports, filed by rogue weather forecasters in fur hats tagged the temperatures as “damn cold”.

The problem monitoring weather in the Gunnison Valley has something to do with the critical measuring apparatus freezing and therefore not giving an accurate testimony to the chill.

“At least the wind doesn’t blow that much,” said one life long resident, “and the summers are heavenly. Plus, when it gets this cold the little temperature machine on the bank freezes so we don’t have that frigid reminder to contend with each morning,” she bbrrrred.

Meanwhile the dangerous Polar Vortex hovers over much of the upper Midwest creating life threatening realities for a lot of people who wish they were in Florida for February.

– Merv Ditchwater

SNOW GODS CONVENE

Continued from “The Long Underworld”

…and just leave it all in the hands of our North American couterpart, Awonawilona. The Pueblos know all about this part of the country.

Thor: I’m getting pissed off. This taking too long. Once again, I am not in favor of cloud seeding in any manner and would like to see a show of hands. All in favor of dumping on them say Yeah!
All gods: Yeah!

Balder: “That settles that. We’ll bury the Rockies in yards of snow until at least April. Six days and six nights of snow to start with, then some sun, then more snow. Every night and all night in March. And now the chair recognizes Ull, god of skiing, winter and hunting.

Ull: Are we going to let on to the humans that the big chill is about to befall them?

Odin: Let me answer that. If we tell the humans about all the snow they will just try to pile it up in the middle of their streets, or try to spin it into gold. I say keep quiet and let the flakes go their way. Sooner or later they will figure out that they’re in for quite a winter.

Thor: Agreed. Why tell them anything? They get it all wrong anyway. They think we’re mythological but that their gods are real. By the way, where is that guy in the sandals? You know the liberal one from down around the Dead Sea…I thought he’d be here.

Ull: But he does not know snow.

Balder: We don’t need his help with the weather but he could spend some time straightening out a few of his followers, and maybe he could have a little talk with Mohammed as well.

Vali: All in good time. When the great floods come in the spring they will have to recognize our legitimacy or be washed away. Did you have a question or comment, Aegir?

Aegir: Thank you Vali. I only wanted to ask “Is this some kind of Satyr?

Odin: Very funny, great god of the sea and brewing. But a better question might be: How can we get one of our guys appointed to the Supreme Court? Is anyone thirsty?

Thor: No mead until after business is concluded. Aegir attempts to steal my thunder and it’s making me very angry.

Odin: All right, that’s quite enough. We’re all snow gods here and we should be able to get along. To reiterate: Everyone is in agreement. We will bury Colorado in snows higher than the walls of Babylon, deeper than the ancient rivers of Mesopotamia…whiter than…

Ull: Excuse me Odin but you’ve made your point and we all need to be getting back to Valhala. Even though we’re gods it’s getting dark and the roads are full of reindeer and elk.

Odin: I’m not quite finished, Ull. Is the big, bad god of winter afraid of a few little deer? (Clearing his throat) So it looks like it’s time to get out the mukluks. In closing I would like to thank everyone for coming to our annual winter meetings and extend a special thanks to Cuchulainn and Finn MacCool for the delicious stew.

Motorists Can Text While Driving But Can’t Drive a Stick

More and more people in the country cannot drive standard transmissions. This dreadful phenomenon, ascertained to be part of the human evolution of the 21st Century by automakers, has cheapened the driving experience and given the motorist less control in bad weather. It also sums up diminished statistics for responsible consumption of petroleum.

Is the availability of standard transmissions based on supply and demand or on other dark economic manipulations by the auto industry? Did the introduction of fuel-injected engines make operation of a car too easy and lead to the desire for more comfort?

For decades, since the end of the classical/romantic era where drivers cherished their chariots, the car manufacturers have seen consumers as technological bozos that do not want to perform unnecessary tasks while behind the wheel.

Apparently playing the radio, fooling with the electric windows and peering into the rear view dominate the short-fuse attention span. The names GTO or 442 or even four-on-the-floor are lost on these folks, many of whom say they are Nascar fans.

“Is it really all that difficult to engaged the clutch? smiled one consumer advocate. “The driver of a stick shift is more in tune with his vehicle and in turn better connected to the road. All one has to do is take a little spin and he will be convinced.”

But they can all text while at the wheel and manipulate smart phones like nobody’s business. They just can’t tell second gear from reverse that could be fatal in the flash between safe driving and incompetent

The development, while a passing wind to most, seriously disturbs automotive experts who say it can only mean more speed bumps to less brainpower on the road.

– Alfalfa Romero

“We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.” – Jonathan Swift

One good reason to enjoy winter

Mt Abram welcomes motorists to Ouray on Highway 550,

Rox Relief Staff Prognosis Blamed for Flu-Like Symptoms

(Denver) Many local baseball aficionados are complaining of stomach cramps, headaches and a feeling of hopelessness when faced with frighteningly familiar warning signs emanating from the Colorado Rockies’ bullpen.

And spring training has only just arrived.

A myriad of reports do not shine favorably for fans from Wray to Ouray who had hoped for a run at the pennant in 2019. The reality that the best Rockies’ relief pitcher, Adam Ottavino is now in New York has only compounded the infirmities.

Despite hurling millions at the relief problem in 2018, the future looks bleak. The new Blake Street bombers (pitching staff) could not salvage their own asses in a windstorm much less protect a late-inning lead. Simply put: with the exception of Scott Oberg, they stink.

Physicians all over the Rocky Mountains have identified what they called “flu-like symptoms” but, other than a waltz through the pharmacy and the liquid and rest remedy, they offered little in the way of solutions.

One psychiatric nurse suggested moving the Dodgers and D-Backs to the American League in exchange for the two of that league’s basement dwellers. Another medical source favored cutting back to six innings.

“Several of my patients have already began to exhibit feelings of hopelessness and unhealthy escape mechanisms usually not visible until September,” offered a Fort Collins doctor who has prescribed fresh air and a good belt of whiskey in the late innings.

“I clearly remember that last season whenever I saw our million-dollar-baby relief flops start to warm up my stomach got all queasy and indigestion followed,” said Rocky Flats, a longtime season ticket holder from Mack. “Then when they got on the mound my bowels loosened and I got the chills. On extreme occasions I felt nauseous and had to g out into the yard until it passed.”

In a related story psychologists and psychiatrists in the region report a sharp increase in clients suffering from anxiety and seasonal depression. When data compiled from these burgeoning health concerns was interfaced with traditional winter bugaboos it turns out that cold, wind, dirty snow, mid, ice and cloudy days are not the only problem.

It ain’t the pox but it could be the Rox.

“To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.”      – Oscar Wilde

INSIDE THIS WEBSITE

Chinese Czechs Banned from

International Scrabble competition

Card counting scandal alleged

in Poker Faced and Out of Luck

Pagans set missionary budget for 2019

Funds once earmarked for conversions go to poor

in My Brother’s Beeper

Aggressive ameba eating the brain tissue

of aging world leaders

Hungry supporters watch and wait

in Medicine for the Wealthy

Supreme Quart Could Ban Beer on School Nights

Morality play could backfire on puritans

in Hops Till You Drop

Congress Missing in Fact-Finding Trip to Elbe

Napoleon’s haunt good place to store gold?

in The Joys of Off-Shore Banking

Plus a whole lot more to eat, drink, roll in and be afraid to approach.

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