All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Sun Vodka Takes the Sting Out of Winter!
Does your monthly bar bill leave you in a lurch? Well get off your duff and take control of your drinking! Our easy four-step distillation and circumnavigation method will keep your glass full and your senses distracted until better days come along.
It’s simple. You’ll need a three-pint jar and one or two potatoes, some water, sun and a little faith in science and metaphysics.*
fig # 1
fig # 2
First: Submerge potato** in 3 pints of water (figure one). Secure lid tightly. Place in the direct sunlight (figure two). Then wait three days (slightly less in altitudes over 7,000 feet). Garnish with potato wedge or olives – Enjoy! (figure three).
Capsulized version for those on the go:
1. potato in water in sun (Colorado has 322 sunny days per year. Choose a good one).
fig. # 3
2. Wait three days
3. Serve ice-cold in chilled martini glass. Garnish with potato wedge and or olives. Put on your drinking clothes and enjoy.
*Chanting or praying over the three-pint mixture has been found to do nothing for quality, taste or enhancement of distillation process.
**One potato per assigned liquid is recommended although two potatoes will increase potency to around 110-proof. Best if used by 2150.
HUMANS IGNORE EARTH’S EVICTION NOTICE
(Flint, Michigan) An “official-looking” eviction notice, which was received by the United States Congress last week, has reportedly been burned.
The assertive, almost belligerent demand contained no return address or exact timetable for the forced exile “of all creatures great and small”. Experts say there is no doubt as to the origin of the ultimatum warning humans of dire consequences facing the planet and all of its inhabitants.
It was addressed to Caring Members of Congress, which in itself illustrates the futility of the action. After nervously sitting on the notice for a few days the legislative body opted to burn the document “rather than frighten the American people with trivialities.”
The eviction papers were then allegedly singed then consumed by flames at a Georgetown barbecue last weekend. Passersby say neocons and other toadies in attendance cheered as the fire engulfed the discounted message.
The lavish barbecue, financed by drilling interests in the Chesapeake Bay region, targeted moderate politicians, fossil fuel enthusiasts and potential investors.
A spokesman for the White House toasted the burning saying she would not be intimidated by “some senile old planet’s concerns” in the face of profits. She said the unfortunate row was generated by and produced for malcontents and socialists who think the survival of the planet is more important than money.
“What fools,” she said. “I drive a new car. They take the bus.”
“It looked mighty authentic,” quipped one of two Senators from Wyoming. “It even had the Great Seal of the Solar System on it. At first it looked like an IRS love letter or a draft notice but after further examination it resembled a parking ticket.”
Congressional Republicans constantly host bonfires/book burnings on the White House lawn every Wednesday night where lies are rampant and the news is buried. Articles, essays, certificates and manuscripts, deemed critical of the president, are methodically discarded by the brainless and destroyed by the eternal flames of greed and indifference.
The Planet Earth’s next move is anyone’s guess.
– Tommy Middlefinger
“I didn’t see where I had any other options.”
-Melvin O’Toole, when asked what drove him to embrace silliness, the ridiculous and the absurd.
Caption writing contest
Try your hand at writing a caption to go with the above photo. Entries will be judged on originality, conciseness and restraint. The winner will receive a herd of authentic Bighorn sheep and two passes to Maybell’s Traveling Mind Wax Museum. Runners-up may be invited to star in a new reality TV presentation of Government Shutdown, a disastrous soap opera filmed in Washington DC.
God Recuses Self From Human Predicament
(Celestial Fields) The Creator has reportedly recused himself from the frantic situation on earth saying that the recklessness of humans was “not what I had in mind when I concocted the place.”
The announcement came as a shock to many of the self-proclaimed faithful who thought they had in inside route to salvation. A spokesman for the Omnipresent Being went on to explain that God was sick of all the holier-than-thou solicitation and the burgeoning requests from the righteous who do next to nothing to help their fellows.
“Maybe someday these tiny-brained beggars will really read their bible and start practicing love and kindness toward other inhabitants of the planet,” said a voice from a nearby cloud.
Spiritual watchdogs expressed further concern with a shocking announcement that God would employ Instant Replay to determine who had been good and who had been bad. The concept of forgiveness, they say, would take on a whole new light.
“The adoption of further review could put a lot of people in hot water and a lot of charlatans out of business,” said the cloud voice. “Getting away with cheating will be far more difficult and these saints might have to embrace conscience instead of mouthing their counterfeit chants.”
“So this guy created this whole mess and now he’s baling?” one mega minister asked his congregation. “Maybe we’d be better off living for today and not worrying about all this eternity business.”
In what might be the first time mortal journalists have interviewed someone of such high status, the question was posed and then waved off, only to be tackled by a pasty-faced, bespectacled archangel with a stuffed briefcase.
“That’s what they say, and yes…God may well be on to other solar systems,” said the archangel. “The time has come for you to survive on your own without transcendent input. You knew there were no guarantees when deliverance was concerned.
– Dieter Upanishads
“Governments don’t really govern. They just promote campaign slogans, questionable elections and keep the money moving.” – Uncle Spam
Indian Farmers Must Provide Mug Shots of Cows
(Mumbai) A local township has asked ranchers to supply photographs of their cows so as to help enforce the state’s new ban on illegal beef sales.
Most farmers have complied with the request that requires complete dossiers on each animal said a civil spokesperson familiar with cows and incidental paperwork.
Recent legislation has all but terminated commercial slaughter but the new ID program will alleviate all killing and help trace animals thefts too. It was not clear if the cattle would be tattooed, stenciled, branded or otherwise categorized so as to simplify identification.
“When the cows are out of the gate we go into action,” said Maho Charley, a barrister in Mumbai. “Thieves are desperate and despite facing jail time they continue to thwart the attempts of the authorities to enforce legal and customary mores when it comes to reincarnation, fertilizer and often militant vegetarianism.”
Cows in Hindu India are considered sacred just like they are in Western Colorado. The difference is that we eat them and they don’t. Although cows in South Asia often look skinny and malnourished they are happy and free to live long lives. It may not always be pretty but thy wake up every day to eat and poop. In Colorado the quality o life may be much better but the lifetime could be cut short at any time. Whatever the market and the needs of the rancher dictate.
In an attempt to cement a national ban the police need purchase records, ownership details, known relatives, political leanings and net worth of each cow. These are what they are calling dossiers.
“I don’t even have access to data like this for my children,” squawked one cattleman from Malegaon, 250 kilometers from the capital.
Supporters of the bovine information gathering hope that a clear census and consensus might defuse tensions between Muslims (who eat meat) and Hindus (who do not generally eat meat) in the region. Often Hindus become resentful watching Muslims gobble down chicken-fried steak or a burger while they are stuck with Dahl and chickpea stew.
“You wouldn’t eat your water buffalo if you needed him to help plow the fields not would you eat cow when it could be your ancestor,” said Charley. “Selling cow meat is a felony in northern Haryana state and the noose is tightening each day.”
-Suzie Compost
You’re reading The San Juan Horseshoe — Official website of the Federal Government Shutdown, January 2019.
Marmots growing much larger, exhibiting taste for meat
Suddenly carnivorous, once vegetarian marmots are growing larger than ever before. To compensate for the bizarre growth these hungry animals may need more than seed and insects. Traditionally leaf-blossom and legume eating, these grand marmots often engage in frightening jungle behavior.
Yellow-bellied marmot in natural habitat on Red Mountain Pass. Growth spurts over the past years have resulted in a giant species much to the confusion of scientists and the chagrin of those on the lower food chain.
They were once seen as cute and harmless, insignificant in a world of fast cars and even faster landslides. They were those meaningless herbivores, although they never really warmed to the name. The razor-sharp bicuspids would attest to a very different agenda.
Things may be very different soon.
Alpine biologists say it’s some more of that climate change business up high. More time to eat, less to sleep due to weather. Fur trappers, who pepper these hits in search of prey say the animals have always harbored vile resentment but until recently were too little to eat people.
“My partner Jeb got caught out alone in Bostwick Park when three or four of the marmots surrounded him. Fortunately Jeb distracts them with mirrors and trinkets then made his escape down the south wall of the Black Canyon.”
“He was never so happy to see the bright lights of Cimarron,” exhaled the trapper.
Civic leaders are calling for military action in the face of the burgeoning threat. They say they are at risk of being overrun in many of the more remote villages in the Rockies. Many have already called in airstrikes on their positions which they called insecure and tempting to the resurgent ravished rodents.
Already other predators like fox, coyote and deer have recorded incidents of bullying, hole (claim) jumping and seizure of foodstuffs to verify their claims.
The once cute, docile whistle pigs were wonderful neighbors who kept to themselves, scampering about among the boulders, the wildflowers, the scree and the tundra. They have had their day in the sun. Now they want their day in the sun, get it?
And they probably don’t like people talking or writing about them while they are hibernating either. In that light we will surrender the pen and bow out of the conversation gracefully with this above warning.
Scientists fear that when the rodents reach about 200 pounds the food chain will detour drastically leaving even urban residents at risk of vicious confrontations in their homes or on the street.
-Atila Diggins
(Continued on Hard News)
