All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
OUT OF THIS WORLD
Extraterrestrial visits up
(Silverton) The number of alien visitors to Western Colorado increased almost 40% over last fall according to watchdog groups focusing on non-traditional tourism. The biggest jumps came in the communities of Silverton and Ouray where extraterrestrials mobbed restaurants and shops sending sales tax figures through the roof of the cosmos.
“They especially liked western clothing, you know, cowboy duds,” said one merchant on Greene Street. “They bough hats and boots like they were going out of style. They bought everything on credit cards even if the duds didn’t fit their oddly-rounded heads and branch-like feet.”
A carnival atmosphere lingered in nearby Ouray all the way through December with alien couples. traveling without off-spring making up a majority of the crowd.
“They came to see the autumn colors and stayed hoping to catch the first snowfall,” according to jeep tour operators who added that the aliens were much more knowledgeable and far more generous than other traditional summer groups.
According to tourist information statistics one out of every three train passengers was from outer space while almost 90% of the above highway air traffic was composed of people from other planets and solar systems.
“Their nervous little dogs were a bit much,” quipped one information booth jockey, “and they were armed with the same questions as tourists from the flatlands of earth. Sure, the conversation gets old but they has cash in hand.
“Aliens are not cheap and compared to other visitors are not afraid to spend money,” said a bartender at the Miner’s Tavern. “They’d come through the door somewhat anxious at first but after they saw the scene here they were quick to relax and get into it. We even had a few in the Friday pool tournaments.”
While other communities reported a slight increase in inter-planetary sojourns San Juan and Ouray Counties appear to have benefited most from the stopovers.
“Many of them were on their way to Las Vegas or the Grand Canyon and we are a convenient call,” said the information specialist. “They look different to be sure but no stranger than a lot of our clientele over the years. Some have even checked out the real estate but were often run off by the prices.”
In a related incident the Executive Board of Spatial Profile and Redistribution of Wealth has concluded that the fastest way to peace on the planet earth is to remove greedy elements from the population. Most members of the Trump Administration are already gone and a master hit list has been circulated throughout the immediate region. To see if your name is on the list please call 1-800-HOW-MUCH.
Burger Giant Offers “Soylent Greens”
(Obesity Springs) Pop culture icon and fast food baron Ronald McDonald has announced a new menu item aimed at appealing to healthier Americans. The addition, called Soylent Green will replace salads and low-fat items currently offered in his restaurants.
Soy burgers and turnip fries have fallen on their respective faces, with consumers abandoning long held routines in search of less healthy experiences in the drive-up lane. McDonald and his cast of clowns feels strongly that soylent green will fill the void between fats and sugar while giving its customers something new to chew on.
“The availability of this innovative sustenance, a cutting-edge recycled organic substance, is a driving force in the decision to embrace this new age cuisine. The recent GOP provoked chucking of corpus delicti statutes hasn’t hurt us either.”
Nutritionists say that while the new food is soggy, it is quite green and, after continued exposure, will be accepted by hungry consumer robots much like the hot dog.
“Go West, young man. It smells like a feedlot around here.”
– Horace Greeley
Bachelor Survivor Episodes Shot at Irwin
(Crested Butte) Filming of the popular television series Bachelor Survivor will begin this weekend at the town site of Irwin according to producers and directors. The program, popular with people who are afraid to go outside, will once again focus on local bachelors struggling to make it through yet another cold winter.
This season’s plight involves seven bachelors, armed only with hatchets and loincloths, who must make some difficult choices when confronted with fish tank dating and assorted commitments. Some twenty-eight divas are slated to be dropped into the Raggeds by Friday morning. These lovely ladies, in evening wear, will then make an ascent of the Ruby Range for an expected rendezvous with the bachelors on the shores of balmy Lake Irwin. Makeup stations along the way will assure that every hair is in place for the cameras.
“We don’t want a bunch of disappointed divas with running mascara and broken fingernails ruining the show,” said one crew member.
Due to temporary relaxation of state and local laws on such bothersome restrictions as manslaughter and simple assault the action is expected to peak near the entrance to Irwin and trickle down to the town of Crested Butte itself. The seven bachelors must not only choose the right lady but protect her from the others.
“This is idiocy,” said one Elk Avenue merchant concerned with the message sent here. “For one thing the 4- 1 ratio of women to men is absurd. We haven’t seen anything approaching these figures since the boys went off to France in 1917. In addition, if local behavior patterns are in play all seven of the bachelors will fight over one diva, fouling up the whole plot.”
Persons wishing to obtain tickets for the filming should contact the local chamber of commerce or the seedy money changers that hang out in front of the Company Store weekday mornings.
– Uncle Pahgre
No Lie Zone Riles Kellyanne, Huckabee Mujer
Una zona sin mentiras sin precedentes, que prohíbe a Kellyanne Conway y a Sarah Huckabee Sanders del micrófono de la conferencia de prensa, entrará en efecto esta tarde, luego de quejarse y twittear ciegamente por la Oficina Oval.
Al calificar de buenos cristianos a sus asesores cercanos, el director ejecutivo extramatrimonial criticó la acción tomada por lo que él llamó “facciones deshonestas del ejército estadounidense” durante el fin de semana.
Estas dos mujeres son de oro, “la última de las leales”, dijo Trump. “Los mentirosos tienen narices largas. No veo ninguna nariz larga aquí “.
La Fuerza Aérea decidió sobre las restricciones después de que surgieran falsedades y explicaciones infantiles que continuaron fluyendo de los dos portavoces. La Zona de No Mentira se llevará a cabo de manera muy similar a la Zona de No Vuela que prohíbe ciertos movimientos y el acceso a la respuesta convencional.
“Cuentos descabellados que emanan de esta guarida de ladrones harían sonrojar a Pinocho”, dijo una fuente no identificada que investiga la desventaja de golf de Donald Trump.
Tanto Kellyanne como Huckabee han sido nominados para el prestigioso Salón de la Fama de los Mentirosos en Truth or Consequences NM. En el pasado reciente, el honor ha sido otorgado a grandes mentirosos como Bill Clinton, Sarah Palin y Richard Nixon. Hasta 2009, la “sociedad” era estrictamente solo para hombres, pero debido a la presión de la administración de Obama, las mujeres ahora son elegibles para la inducción.
“A veces es difícil separar las mentiras descaradas de la estupidez genética”, continuó el inspector de handicap, que compartió la preocupación de que los ayudantes y devotos de Trump son peores que el producto que apoyan.
“Alejar la atención de los criminales no hace nada por los engañados”, agregó. “¿Es el engaño ahora el negocio del día?”
Mientras tanto, Mike Pence anunció que dejaría de participar en sus últimos dos años de elegibilidad de WH e ingresaría en un acuerdo de vivienda asistida con el Museo de cera Madame Tussauds para recibir tratamiento en febrero. “Digamos que no se está uniendo al personal”, dijo un espectador familiarizado con la alteración.
– Boca Pequeña Bess
Man Recovering After Falls Leap
(Crested Butte) Local man, Melvin “Breakfast Meat” Toole, is in fair condition after leaping off Coal Creek Falls in nothing but an oak whiskey barrel yesterday. The daredevil feat, lambasted by authorities yet praised by extreme sportscasters, took place at high noon on an unseasonably warm February day. It was witnessed by hundreds of extreme motion junkies who hoped the event might someday gain Olympic status.
Although shaken and frozen Toole expects to sell some 400 photographs of the leap in his Elk Avenue Bistro on Whiterock. What he doesn’t sell will be nailed to trees all over town and up Kebler.
In moments he was picked up by local police officers, and charged with disturbing the peace, wasting water and reckless endangerment before being whisked away to the Gunnison Valley Large Animal Clinic where he is being held today.
Initially Toole’s target was a small wading pond just to the north of Wirtz Falls. Unfortunately he missed the pond altogether and landed in a mangrove of willows and mud.
“The sound was frightening when he hit,” said one bystander. “It’s lucky he was wearing a seat belt.”
Toole himself plans to sue someone over the incident and further shape his fortune. Supporters insist that their hero will settle out of a quart and avoid a juried arts events in general.
Danger existed long before the jump as Toole climbed the 300-foot cliff adjacent to the falls. Slippery rocks and aggressive birds often appeared to have the edge but the persistent athlete, the first man ever to negotiate the Black Canyon using nothing but dental floss and an eyebrow pencil, finally overcame all adversity and arrived at the summit just moments before eleven. As a crowd gathered Toole climbed into his barrel, adjusted his goggles and simply leaned in the direction of down.
“We could care less about all this serve and protect business,” said one local cop off the record. “This clown broke the law and must face the consequences. We’re concerned about the preliminary message sent by this fanfare. Imagine if everyone decided to jump off a waterfall in a barrel!”
While in the hospital the famous daredevil has received thousands of get well wishes and cards. He is scheduled to appear on the Dope-rah, The Daily Grow, Jimmy Felon Live, the David Netherlands Show sometime before the 20th Annual Summer Weekend Festival in Gunnison. Toole is employed as an associate professor of gravity at Western State Colorado University and collects bird houses in his spare time.
– Suzie Compost
“Our Dirt Smells Even Better Under Eight Feet of Snow”
Crested Butte Soil Quality- Phase Two
Acknowledging that it would be next to impossible to prove that the scent of the earth’s crust is superior in Crested Butte, advocates of this phenomenon say it may help explain the unbridled popularity of the town with second homeowners.
(Gothic) Last summer a popular mountain biking promotional claimed that the dirt in Crested Butte smelled better than other dirt found elsewhere. The tongue-in-cheek announcement created a few laughs and shed some positive light on the sense of humor within the community.
Does Crested Butte dirt smell better even under all the snow?
Despite the fact that other locales expressed cynicism and that an accepted measure for determining dirt aroma is not available, the originators of this olfactive declaration are standing fast on stunning dirt fragrances.
“We’re on board with great smelling dirt under the snow,” said one copywriter involved in the original statement. “It just makes sense.”
“If I was going to drop $500,000 on a house I only used for two months per year I’d damn sure want to know the dirt smelled better than in Vail or Aspen,” said one local jokester.
-Small Mouth Bess
Incentive Program Offers Mortuary Miles
(Mañana) A local funeral pioneer has embraced the cutting edge with an innovative, albeit controversial, post-mortem incentive program. Soon customers of Up, Up and Away Internment International will have the opportunity to earn miles and travel bonuses based on money spent and flight routes chosen.
Based on the highly popular miles programs offered by the airlines and hotels, this groundbreaking burial concept offers credits for miles travelled as well as purchases made along the way.
“No matter what they tell you from behind the collection plate nobody knows what to expect after we die,” chided J. Elmzuni Pritchard CEO of UUAII. “I don’t know about you but I’d rather go over the top with a little backup. Even if the miles don’t get you saved, they look good on a resume.”
“Some clients have enough miles to go to heaven or hell,” continued Elmzuni. “Their choice. Reward miles are a real plus if you’re born again and/or live parallel lives. Our Companion Fare is perfect for multiple personalities.”
Souls that just linger, hover or just drop in for a cup of tea on occasion, can qualify for mile credits but they must prove that they were on the flight in the first place.”
“We want to accommodate everyone living or deceased and some what ain’t,” quacked Pritchard. “Of corpse deadhead trips are cheaper. “We don’t like to call them that. We prefer the term Lite, as in Lite VIP.”
Up, Up and Away can usually get the client out the door, casket included, for about half what one would pay sans miles in a conventional mortuary. While it may seem ridiculous to book all of this type of travel in advance we suggest booking in advance. You can secure a seat later.
“They had a woman over in Placerville what died three times back in October and it cost her next to nothing,” chipped Pritchard.
And that good news for the people back home. No more worry about freezer burn, clipped wings or soil tests.
Persons wishing to sign up for the Up, Up and Away Miles Reward Program should download the official Up, Up and Away App, enjoy a Starbucks, buy a new cell phone, join a team and ask their doctor. Travelers who have yet to lose the attachment to the natural state may be responsible for IVA charges.
– Paula Parvenu
