All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

Elvis Deniers to speak at CU in March

(Boulder) A travelling contingent of diehard Elvis agnostics will undress students and faculty here in late March despite complaints and threats leveled by opponents.

The thee-hour evening seminar is part of a weeklong program aimed at dispersing untruths about celebrities, liberals and telling the real story of American culture. The principles say they decided to begin with Elvis since he demands a lot of attention even from millennials and people not alive during the reign of Presley.

“We come to renounce the king,” blasted cheap speakers from SUVs parked around the stage to keep out angry critics who have pledged to disrupt the event. “Why is it that the left wingers have clear access to this podium but the right wing is banned from sharing its message? I thought liberals were for the egalitarian approach. Maybe not.”

The visitors plan to disavow the existence of Elvis, despite mounds of evidence that he existed. They insist that the radio payola people created him, contending that his ghost is nothing more than laughable and that people who still worship Elvis need reeducation or swift kick in the pants.

“If he is real then prove it,” pressed one Elvis denier in red, white and blue. “He was never here and he’s damn sure not coming back to gather his fans and spend eternity at Graceland. Many of his fans miss out on the beauties of life on earth waiting to be rescued by their hero any day now. How sad.”

– Pepper Salte

“If we all worked on the assumption that what is accepted as true were really true, there would be little hope of advance.” – Orville Wright

LIFT TICKETS TO BE REPLACED BY TATOOS

(Crested Butte) In keeping with a pledge to save paper and aluminum, Crested Butte Ski Mountain will replace the traditional lift ticket with a tattoo next year. According to a marketing source in Vail, the actual substitution will come in the form a tattoo to the forearm or in some cases to the forehead.

People who buy a Gold Pass will receive a gold tattoo designed to last through the April closing date. This tattoo will allow them to board lifts on any date during the season. Persons purchasing a Silver Pass will likewise receive a silver tattoo that slightly limits access to the mountain. TheBronzePasswillbereplacedbyabronzetattoo,inkeepingwithantebellum uniformity established in the first years of the operation.

Single and multiple day skiers will receive a temporary tattoo on the arm or leg when they arrive to ski. Designs likely to be popular include the ever-popular “Mom”, the multi-colored butterfly, “Hell’s Angels-Frisco” or various military insignias.

“There are no plans to tattoo derrières at this time although we have had a lot of requests to do just that,” continued the Eagle County source. “A lot of the ladies from Oklahoma would love to show the neighbors.

“Once again CB stands alone as the prototype of skiing in the 21st Century. Just wait until Aspen and Park City find out what we’re up to.“

Although sources here admit that things could get chaotic at first, they feel the new system has many merits. Beginning in June, several hundred tattoo artists from 17 states and 12 foreign countries will attend a week of seminars aimed a facilitating the move. Then, in July lift operators will undergo two weeks of concentrated instruction on the ancient art of tattooing. They will then prick and ingrain their co-workers with gold tattoos just for fun.

By August all employees will be tattooed and the slope faithful will be scheduled, not for pass photos, but for seasonal tattoos of their own. Even the drunks that hang out all day in the lift area bars will get tattooed. It’s that or they don’t get happy hour prices.

“We are certain the idea will fly,” said the source. “The tattoos will no doubt become status symbols and if the snow is scarce, one can still show off his or her design in the bars or on some faraway Caribbean beach.“

-Dude Skuldiver

“If I am a little over-dressed, I make up for it by being immensely over-educated.”

– Oscar Wilde

Participatory democracy 611

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Snow shovelers’ union weighs options

(Crested Butte) The local Brotherhood of Snow Removal Engineers will vote tonight on whether or not to support a wildcat strike that has already taken a heavy toll in ski resorts all over the West.

The 400-strong membership is upset by “intense seasonal demand and heartless lay-offs” that generally occur by mid-April. The local chapter is particularly affected by late season storms high up in the mountains that may not reach town. According to contracts, workers must be on full alert yet may never see a dime in pay.

Union leaders insist that members are at a distinct negotiation disadvantage after things start to melt. They compare the position to an emaciated snowman pleading for action on global warming while everyone knows he will not be here in the balmy dawn.

“They sweet talk us all winter but then when the weather changes we are discarded like long underwear and tire chains,” said one snow shoveler from the roof of Outquack Condos at Mt Crested Butte. “We have to eat all year too. It’s not fair to squash the existing social strata just because the snow has stopped.”

Management sources all over Colorado say they cannot afford to employ the snow engineers when there is no snow. They add that expensive plows and blowers require summer maintenance and that the core of veteran snow workers is kept on throughout most of the year.

“We think that is quite gracious of us,” said Ed Vail, operations manager at Aspen. “By very definition these snow monkeys have put themselves out of a job when the weather breaks. “If the rich weren’t here to provide employment for the poor we’d all be communist,” he said.

The Eastern arm of the BSRE, favoring frozen wages rather than a walkout, will not follow suit leaving sidewalks clear and roofs de-iced until a viable arrangement can be concluded.

“Things are quite different back east,” said a union spokesman. “Snow removal personnel there have other options such as farming and manufacturing. We have no factories and our growing season is about two weeks,” he calculated.

In addition, Rocky Mountain champagne snow must be handled carefully so as not to blow the cork and bruise the contents. It is easily damaged and cannot be thrown around indiscriminately. Workers here are highly skilled and depletion in the ranks is a constant threat. Snow removal workers from all over the world are in solidarity with the local Colorado unions. Some have threatened not to handle any snow originating from the United States until management comes around.

“All we want is justice for our workers, a half hour for lunch, accident insurance and our self esteem,” said a Swiss counterpart from Geneva. We want an end to icy ladders and equipment vouchers. We want our place in the sun. We will not stand still for piss tests anymore! “Pee for fun not under the gun,” he smiled.

Meanwhile police have arrested five people in connection with an alleged plot to burn down all the snow in the county as an act of defiance against someone or something.

          – Frosty Mirth

Amazon Planned to ship displaced to Greenland

(Queens) A plot to relocate thousands of people from a designated neighborhood earmarked for a controversial Amazon headquarters has been unearthed here according to a spokesman for No More Gentrification.

Their destination: The Island of Greenland in the North Atlantic Ocean.

Bosses at Amazon, who have denied all charges, say they have no solution to housing, ethnic and social problems exacerbated by the proposed new facility.

“They figured the city and its residents would jump at all that potential money and all those high-paying jobs,” said the NMG source. “They, like most corporate devils, didn’t look at the ramifications and the human factor.”

Lawyers for Amazon say they will add this recent “libel case” to the already burgeoning stacks of lawsuits related to the now thwarted move. They say they have spent buckets of money on the project and now somebody is going to pay the bill. Libel, fraud, restrictive business practices, anarchy, communism and religious intolerance were alleged with local government and private citizens the targets.

“This Greenland misinformation is totally untrue and would be quite funny if we didn’t have all these quality of life radicals running around,” said one attorney with knowledge on the developments.

– Gabby Haze

Las marmotas crecen mucho más, exhibiendo gusto por la carne

Exhibiendo tendencias espantosas que bordean a los carnívoros, estos comedores borrosos de leguminosas en flor en transición están creciendo más que nunca. Para compensar el extraño crecimiento, estos animales hambrientos pueden necesitar más que semillas e insectos.

Una vez fueron vistos como lindos e inofensivos, insignificantes en un mundo de autos rápidos y derrumbes aún más rápidos. Eran esos herbívoros sin sentido, aunque nunca se calentaron con el nombre.

Las cosas pueden ser muy diferentes pronto.

Los biólogos de Alpine dicen que es un poco más de ese negocio del cambio climático. Más tiempo para comer, menos para dormir debido al clima. Los cazadores de pieles, que lanzan estos golpes en busca de presas, dicen que los animales siempre han albergado un vil resentimiento, pero hasta hace poco eran demasiado pequeños para comer a la gente.

“Mi compañero Jeb quedó atrapado solo en Bostwick Park cuando tres o cuatro de las marmotas lo rodearon. Afortunadamente, Jeb los distrae con espejos y baratijas y luego escapó por la pared sur del Black Canyon “.

“Nunca estuvo tan feliz de ver las brillantes luces de Cimarrón”, exhaló el trampero.

Los líderes cívicos están pidiendo una acción militar ante la creciente amenaza. Dicen que corren el riesgo de ser invadidos en muchas de las aldeas más remotas de las Montañas Rocosas. Muchos ya han llamado a ataques aéreos a sus posiciones que llamaron inseguros y tentadores para el resurgimiento de roedores violentos.

Ya otros depredadores como el zorro, el coyote y el venado han registrado incidentes de acoso escolar, saltos (reclamos) y confiscación de alimentos para verificar sus reclamos.

Los cerdos, una vez lindos y dóciles, eran maravillosos vecinos que se mantenían a sí mismos, correteando entre las rocas, las flores silvestres, el pedregal y la tundra. Han tenido su día en el sol. Ahora quieren su día en el sol, ¿entiendes?

Los científicos temen que cuando los roedores alcancen las 200 libras, la cadena alimentaria se desvíe drásticamente, lo que dejará a los residentes urbanos en riesgo de enfrentamientos violentos en sus hogares o en la calle.

(Continuado en Hard News)