All Entries Tagged With: "Onion strike cripple France"

French Leaders Refuse Onion Demands Again

(Paris) Public service worker onions remain out of strike today as French President Emmanuel Macron refuses to bend on a new roster of demands. After an emergency session of the cabinet late last night, the liberal government pledged “not to blink in the face of the growing pungency” that threatens to touch the very fabric, the culinary life of everyone in the country.

     “Just imagine our salads and sauces,’ said Chef Antoine Gendarme, of Sabat’s Cafe here. “What will we do when the reserves run out and they are calling for French onion soup? This walkout is not just a problem for France but for the world. The onion is the heart of all classic cuisine be it in Mexico, Thailand, Italy  or Peru.”

     Most in the know fear that once the damage has been done it will be virtually impossible to return to the old days when the entire globe looked to the French for culinary direction and purpose.

     “Who will take over if the France falls?” asked the chef. “That is an interesting question considering growing onion anger is not merely a reality in Europe.”

     Kitchens the world over have expressed concern that the renegade onions may be joined by radical celery, rogue tomatoes, revolutionary garlic and even some minced anarchists posing as innocent rutabaga,  but in actuality belonging to the fruit and nut family. They agree that if the situation worsens no one will be able to function at the business end of a Provencal kitchen.

     “We still have our bread, our cheeses and our vineyards but somehow it has all lost its luster in the face of the strike,” said a French dairy farmer who has grown a garden since the days of Charles DeGaulle. “Sure I’ve had a few minor confrontations with sketchy vegetables and a few bean strains here and there but for the most part it’s been symbiotic: I plant them in rich soil in with just the right amount of sun then water them and they provide sustenance and often time decoration at my table.”

     Some within the expanded food industry secretly support the onions while others are waiting until the harvest to decide on what measures are most logical.

     “I’m half Irish and half Cajun said Meghan, sommelier from Bethesda, Maryland. “Part of me reaches out to the French, the other says give me a another Guinness with those fish and chips. If we recant here and capitulate every time some vegetable raises his voice what kind of message are we sending to the younger sprouts and seedlings?” she pressed.

     Meanwhile striking onions continue to hold a daily vigil in front of government offices demanding subsidized storage and more comfortable transport to market. All the rolling back and forth and the peeling has officials at wit’s end…and the odor…!”

     Talks broke down again yesterday after police, crying Scallions! Devoyers salassants! arrived on the scene with a large industrial slicer/guillotine disguised as a giant snail. Not to be intimidated by fleeting logic, members of the Public Service Union and the ministry accused each other of bad breath. Shallots stayed home in protest. Tears fell on both sides of the cutting board.

     Despite official fears of a lengthy strike that could cripple Bastille Day celebrations, the groups then disbanded so as to eat dinner before going out to turn over cars and burn them in the streets of Paris, no easy feat for tubular chives and flavonoids.

– Sir Otis of Liver

“If voting changed anything they’d make it illegal.”  – Emma Goldman