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US Seeks to Control Flow of Naughty Underwear

(Paris) France and a host of other European nations have accused the U.S. of cornering the market on naughty lingerie. The action, acknowledged in part by leading diplomats, began almost a year ago with the federal monitoring of underwear sales in North America.

     U.S. interests allegedly seek to control the billion-dollar industry world wide according to fashion leaders here. They say that the Americans have stepped up production in an attempt to dominate global trade in the naughty commodity.

     “Certainly we’d like to see more of  the underwear made in the United States before embarking on some conspiratorial effort to regulate its exchange,” said Teddy LaRouiex, of the State Department. “Right now most of the garments are made in Third World countries.”

     French leaders have protested the move saying that governments have no place tampering with slinky underwear. In an official statement released here the French have stopped short of condemning a long time trading partner asking only that the U.S. refrain from such action. “We are scandalized by the efforts to control distribution, design and prices of naughty lingerie, a product that should enjoy free access under the principles of supply and demand. We hope that the shear weight of protests will alleviate what has become a delicate situation.”

     France then added that there are far more pressing issues on which to focus.

     In private French leaders are said to have expressed horror that the status of naughty underwear might be by orchestrated solely by a country “misdirected by hefty servings of Puritanism and guilt”. He told close advisors that the stream of underwear is sacred and should never be manipulated by a private entity.

     Reactions all over the continent were the same. In Holland leaders called on the U.S. to stay out of people’s bloomers and in Italy protestors threatened to attack the American Embassy if the price of g-strings continues to soar. Portugal called for a boycott on all goods manufactured in the U.S. while in Ireland manufacturing plants have begun turning out intimate software aimed at combating what Dublin calls “a bungling and  insensitive overreach in the vein of dictatorial”.

     Even the Russians are angry. Today Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin, called on Russians to reject all foreign-made frillies and buy all interior items, including wool socks and long handles from reputable state outlets within the country. EU economists expect this plea to have reverberating effects going into the Russian lingerie season (July) when its actually warm enough to walk around in the scanty attire.

     Not to be outdone Hugo Chavez, former President of Venezuela often called the developments “crimes against the skin”. He called on the workers of the world to cease production of U.S. lingerie.

     “Let them see what its like to go without,” said Chavez as part of a six-hour speech carried by Tele Sur. “Their GIs started this whole power grab in Europe after World War II with the documented silk stockings and Hershey bar enticements. Now all these shenanigans have come home to roost.”

     Meanwhile the hoi polloi of the fashion industry have remained mute waiting to see more.

– Kashmir Horseshoe