All Entries Tagged With: "mountain humor"

Pagans agree on missionary budget

(Salem, MA) Loosely assembled pagan groups, meeting here today to commemorate witch burnings in the 1600s, have established a coordinated, tight and secure missionary budget for 2021.

Leading voices extended thanks to those in attendance and promised strict monitoring of funds throughout the year so as to insure the smooth flow of philosophies in mega times of fear, intolerance and superstition.

Recruiting $0

Guilt distribution $0

Dogma $0

Promises of eternal salvation $0

Burning in Hell $0

Ritual $0

Tithing $0

Congregational development $0

Evangelism with the underserved $0

Stewardship and fund development $0

Discretionary monies $0

Ordination exam fees $0

Hymn books stolen $0

Propaganda $0

Staff $0

Hall rental $0

Capital fund drive $0

Parking $0

Pew maintenance $0

Pastor salary $0

Gullibility ratio $0

Total amount spent on morality enforcement and mortality predictions $0.

-Jim Crow

Parties donate presidential ad budgets to Head Start, Dreamers

(Milwaukee) Monies earmarked for advertising in the 2020 Presidential campaign by both Democrats and Republicans will be rerouted to struggling social programs rather than pissed away on entrenched, party-line American voters who have already decided on their ballot choices.

The largest sums cut were those previously going to television ads aimed at the most ignorant fringes of the nation.  Other monies generally directed at newspapers, radio and Internet are to be instead donated to displaced people all over the world.

“Every election year we piss away millions trying to get the wrong people in office,” said Ted Ende, a consultant for candidates as distinct as Walter Mondale and Sarah Palin. “Look around you. Our highways are rotting. Our bridges are falling down. Our sense of community is dying. The first responsibility of an elected official is to protect his people — not to get reelected.”

As most of our well-oiled readers probably know by now both former political parties in the United States have agreed on strict term limits on elected officials and the banishment of lobbyists from the nation’s capital. In addition:

1. Draconian clean air and water measures will be implemented. Auto emissions will be strictly imposed.

2. All salaries and benefits once paid to already wealthy Congressmen will be redirected to fund the poorest schools in the country.

3. Corporate welfare will be terminated immediately. This includes the Pentagon.

4. Demeaning assaults on the natural human lifestyle will be considered felonious and provocative actions, punishable by fines and imprisonment.

5. Congressional pensions and lifetime free health care that has become another form of welfare will be eliminated as of January 1, 2021.

Western Slope Male to Female Ratios Approaching Dangerous Levels

(Gladstone) Seven of every ten Western Colorado residents is male according to a recently completed statistical analysis conducted by a consortium of legitimate dating services bivouacked here.

Woodsy suitors line up to dance with the lone lady and a local nightclub last Saturday night. With a growing ratio of men to women in Western Colorado the average man can face waits up to six months before tripping the light fantastic on the hardwood floor. Women, on the other hand, face a constant stream of attentive from simple gawking to outright advances.     (Photo by Margot Rottweiller)

Opportunities, linked directly to the availability of potential mates, or prey in the natural world, are down even though the place has experienced an urban renewal of sorts with expanded shopping, chic bistros and a destination for the more beautiful people. That is not to say that single women flock to the bright lights.

“Let’s face it, says Ratsune Sparkle, a self-educated expert on the comings and goings of Colorado nightlife, “the women most men want to meet after dark aren’t hanging around behind the barn. The fancier ladies migrate to the action and they ain’t much of that down on main in the average Western Colorado burgh.”

Sparkle agreed that the scene at most slope-side ski areas and, of corpse, in metroplex Colona were always hot, but not quite sizzling.

“But it’s so seasonal over here compared to Denver or Albuquerque where there are plenty of women waiting around to encounter rich, interesting men. Most of the women in Denver couldn’t find Sapinero on a GPS.”

On the other side of the coin women here on the west side of the mountains face a population of desperate males that think flowers are for bees and pick ups and pointy-toed boots are for every other occasion. Despite the fact that there is more mobility and opportunity for males to get ahead, many do not rise to the occasion.

Western Colorado men: “Too few women and so little time”

“Women have good reason for not landing here,” said Arleen Coxcomb, MSW, and founder of Save the Earwigs. “If I guy can’t even change his shirt for dinner after eight hours in a ditch he shouldn’t expect romance after dessert.”

Ironically, many of the single women who have relocated here to enjoy the whistle of the wind through the pines and the solitude of the mountains find unwanted attention.           

“The first week I was here I attended seven candlelight dinners, three café lunches and a brunch hosted by a cave person that I met in the supermarket produce department on Sunday at dawn,” said a young woman who says she hopes to raise wallabies on her mini-ranch just outside of Ridgway.

With the autumn and the coming of winter, authorities are face to face with their worst fears as the competition for a winter companion reaches its apex during the rutting season.

“We can only sit back and watch as the social circus culminates,” said one sheriff’s deputy. “It’s particularly painful on the weekdays and weekends.”

– Fred Zeppelin

KANSAS TO INSTALL CURVES

(Lawrence) In an alleged attempt to compete with more scenic states in the region Kansas has announced a plan to construct at least 25 curves on major highways by spring. The project, supported by leading politicians, the Tourism Board, the Department of Transportation and the federal government is seen as way to draw more tourists to the state and combat the notion that roads in the Sunflower State are tediously monotonous.

Curves will be installed at low impact spots with higher potential for visual stimulation. Areas with supportive topography will be tapped first and major detours added later after public input is calculated.

“None of these curves will be too sharp,” said a proponent of the plan. “We don’t want to create a dangerous scenario especially within the local driving population that is used to the straight and narrow. What we do want to do is get away from the notion that Kansas is simply a place to pass through on the way to more attractive states like Colorado and Missouri.”

Although some critics of the roadwork say it is a chronic waste of money the project appears to be on its way toward start-up in late October. Thanks to matching federal funds, offered with the stipulation that Kansas lowers legal impairment levels regarding drinking and driving, politicians here feel the state would be foolish to pass on such an opportunity.

“We’ll concentrate on putting in conservative curves near trees and rivers at first,” said one engineer, “then we’ll concentrate on winding our way through hills, if we can find one, and through the green pastures in the eastern part of the state.”

Planners here have gone to great lengths to insure truckers and other regular travelers that the curves would not pose a threat to safety or add time to their treks.

“These are in no way hairpin curves with switch-backs and drop-offs like those found on mountain roads,” said the transportation spokesman. “We’re not here to rattle motorists but rather to entertain them. Maybe the average driver will have to pay a little more attention but in most cases a gentle movement of the steering wheel to the right or left will suffice.”

At present three 15-degree curves are planned for the Kansas Turnpike between Topeka and Wichita and a secondary low impact 35-degree swing on Highway 77 near Winfield. Another grid will showcase subtle curving along Interstate 70 at Salina, Russell, Hays and Goodland. The rest of the new curves are earmarked for state land and will most likely become part of the landscape in rural areas between Manhattan and Abilene.

A system of practice curves is already in place just outside of Dodge City. There are no plans to reinforce the few existing curves at the approach to towns since they are seen as holding their own at press time.

Meanwhile a coordinated effort to create curves along state border with Nebraska appears in the works and a growing movement in eastern Colorado and Wyoming has picked up steam of late. In Oklahoma, a wait and see approach seems to be the preferred prescription for flatland problems there.

“If it works in Kansas it could work for Oklahoma,” said one legislator in Tulsa, “but right now we’re not interested in spending money we don’t have.”

Oklahoma reportedly spent its entire road maintenance budget for the decade on athletic recruiting for its two flagship universities and will not have substantial funds available until 2024.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Subject of Wobbly Tables Undressed by Council

(Wimpton) The local town council has voted 33-1 to outlaw the import of any more wobbly tables to the region. The action was taken after hundreds of complaints were received from consumers here.

“We can’t solve all of the problems on the docket,” said one councilmember, “but by golly we will have stability where we take our meals. There is nothing worse than a wobble when one is attempting to drink a full-brimmed martini or consume bean dip in one’s summer whites.

Several members tolled would not comment on further plans for wobbly tables already in the region or the presence of wobbly chairs along the frontier.

At present a local ordinance requires the bolting down of all plastic furniture and dogs-at-large prior to Election Day.

In old business: The subject of septic tank odor was tabled until the decorators decide on new wallpaper and expanded handicapped parking adjacent to the council chambers.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

ROCKY FLATS DEEMED ENVIRONMENTAL SAVIOR

(Golden) In a drastic reversal of long held agendas, leading environmental groups are praising the presence of Rocky Flats. The site, they say, is the only green spot in Jefferson County that has not been plagued with quasi-suburban sprawl.

The former weapons plant, closed on the heels of atomic leaks and legendary cover-ups, had been condemned as an ecological nightmare since the public woke up to the horrors of incompetent nuclear mismanagement sometime around 1970. The nauseating lack of concern for the public good, coupled with lazy security and a peacetime economy brought the closure of the plant in the early 80s.

“Have you ever driven, say, from Boulder to Golden?” asked an opponent of impulse expansion on the Front Range. “Look at the clusters of ticky-tacky walls and ceilings, to borrow from Pete Seeger, that have choked off pasture, light and open space. Watch the joggers sucking in all those auto fumes. They’re getting ahead all right!”

Proponents of the much-heralded Rocky Mountain Museum of Suburban Progress, now under construction, have called the recognition of Rocky Flats a calculated risk. They think the whole approach may fall on its face when plans to build a second international airport on the site are released in February.

“Suburban philosophy produces nothing but malls, branch banks and exit ramps,” said one Mirth First advocate. “The whole mess is a lot like building a monument to bad coffee.”

– Fred Zeppelin