Fictitious writers get death threats at ‘Shoe

Police report no breakthrough on who or whom is sending multiple death threats to an assortment of nom de plumes at the San Juan Horseshoe publishing company in Mañana Vieja. The alleged felony menacing and substantiated barrage of negative mail has everyone on edge, especially the paper’s impressive roster of imaginary writers and contributors.

Despite written and recorded threats referencing violence “in close proximity to the well being of an assortment of nom de plumes*” (nom de guerre in the proper sense) the authorities can do nothing.

“We don’t have a body. We don’t have fingerprints or DNA. We don’t have a bio or a mug shot of the victim or even evidence of a motive,” said Sheriff George Fitzboodle.”Without corpus delicti, habeas corpus or maybe that quid pro quo we are helpless to act.”

Fitzboodle added that his team was monitoring the situation and had reached out to the imagined yet shaken journalists. He then called the San Juan Horseshoe “a living tribute to literary schizophrenia” before presenting the men’s room key to Horseshoe principles in attendance during the formal complaints.

“Right now we just have to wait and see how this develops,” the officer explained. “We can’t put them into any protection program because they don’t really exist, now do they?”

Several editors have been detained over the years for harboring imaginary friends. One says:

“Consider, for just a moment, the expense keeping living-breathing scribes in alcohol. It’s not gonna happen,” said one under editor. “On the other hand we must be able to protect our pen names, our ghost writers and our loyal opinion page warriors or what’s the point of selling real estate and funeral parlor ads at all?” he choked up.

Fitzboodle went on to conclude that the publisher couldn’t afford a real staff to engage in inter-office fashion shows and mope around all week waiting for fresh paychecks.

“So we’re firing everyone,” he smiled, “except our nom de plumes. “If I had a platoon of these fictitious writers I could retake the Panama Canal!”

In a related development police intercepted a play action kidnapping earlier today whereupon three awkward nom de plumes were allegedly pushed into a white utility van and sped off into the mountains. When the cops caught up to the two kidnapping suspects they were sitting there alone and breaking no laws.

This episode led to the police asking the obvious question: How could one be held for ransom if he/she isn’t really there? The investigating officer wrote a citation to the driver of the van for a low left front tire and then went for coffee.

These nom de plums have made their share of enemies over the years with many former co-workers coming out of the woodwork to jab at them and put them down as sanctimonious parasites.

“Many of them are odd, ego-testical grumps who spend contiguous Saturday nights behind a keyboard and a bottle,” said Old Man Pritchard, a former sports writer who lost his column to a pen name in 1987. “And that’s just the women.”

“These are not real people even if they think they are living, breathing specimens of fine regard,” he spat. “Most can’t spell worth a damn either and would have been long gone if they didn’t always bring donuts to work in the morning.”

MANY OF OUR READERS

have written in asking for clarity on several terms associated with the nom de plume. Yes, alias is one of the most popular substitutes, though incorrectly used most of the time. It implies that someone has a less than stunning past or that something shady is about to go on.

However: With an alias you can open a bank account in this name so long as a Tax ID or SS # associated with the account.

Another woman asked about the use of stage names that do little to hide identity, gender or race once the curtain falls.

“Thinly veiled threats, disguised as a difference of opinion or a plea for funds are off the table these days,” quipped Dr. George Eliot, a psych-social worker from Mark Twain – Lorenzo Da Ponte School for the Criminally Insignificant. The if you know what’s good for you card has been thrown from the deck. This kind of crude intimidation is seriously akin to beating up on Elmer Fudd, an avowed hate crime.

*a pseudonym or assumed name located somewhere between no-matter and nomadic in The Queen’s Dictionary of Remote Vegetable Names and Counter Mold

HERE IS OUR LIST

of famous authors and their pen names. Can you connect the right author with the right nom de plume? You will notice the number associated with each group is ten, which translates into a nine-person keystone line-up card with a designated hitter in the wings.

Authors: Cecil Day-Lewis, Brian O’Nolan, Chloe Ardelic Wofford, Harold Rubins, Irwin Shamforoff, Dean Koontz, Charles Lutwidge Dodgson, CS Lewis, William Sydney Porter, Mitt Romney

Nom de Plumes: Toni Morrison, Harold Robbins, Leigh Nichols, Lewis Carroll, NW Clerk, Pierre Delecto, O. Henry, Nicolas Blake, Flan O’Brien, Irwin Shaw

Bonus Question: What was Voltaire’s nickname in third grade?

For a related story…

Horseshoe Slaps Franchise Tags on top “pretend” writers

Melvin Toole, Uncle Pahgre, Fred Zeppelin, Susie Compost, Tommy Middlefinger, Pepper Salt, Small Mouth Bess, Rocky Flats and Gabby Haze agreed to No-Trade contracts today while sensitive terms such as POX News, the Elves Club, Region Zen, Mañana, Confront Range, Refried News and Pea Green Symphony Orchestra will continue to be stored deep beneath the vaults at Cheyenne Mountain until logic and empathy dominate gov’ment policy.

-Kashmir Horseshoe

Underground Seminar in Second Year

(Ouray) The immensely popular Spend the Summer Underground Seminar is about to kick off its sophomore year according to organizers here. The 12-week work/study program will begin at the bottom of the Idarado Mine on Red Mountain Pass and, over the girth of the summer, wind its way through miles of tunnels culminating with a wine and cheese picnic in Telluride Town Park on Labor Day.

“I thought I’d miss the sun,” said Melvin Sansonovovitch, a suitcase designer from Moline Meadows who participated in the program last summer. “The food was above board and the daily classes were stimulating but the TV reception sucked.”

Sponsored internationally by Hard Rock Tolerance Ventures, the summer-long agenda may offer weekend pilot programs at Camp Bird, Smuggler and Funnyside in 2021.

“The problem with sessions like these is once our students get down two hundred feet or so they don’t want to come back up,” said one instructor. It’s a clear case of How you gonna keep ’em down on the farm after they’ve seen the gold syndrome.”

At press time there are three slots open for the summer. One is first class, the others are tram.

“Either way it’s a mucking good deal,” said Sansonovovitch.

– Uncle Pahgre

AMERICANS MOST HAPPY WITH CROOK IN WHITE HOUSE

(Ouray – 1882)

According to an extensive survey 68% of American voters feel more comfortable with a crook in the White House than otherwise. With the recent election of Chester A. Arthur to the Presidency voters have confirmed data collected in the study.

Arthur became President after the assassination of James A. Garfield. A professional politician, Arthur achieved his goals by manipulating the political machine rising to power during a period of widespread dishonesty in every phase of government. Critics even go so far as to accuse Arthur of compliance in the murder.

He began his rough and tumble political career helping another crook, Republican Edwin D Morgan, become governor of New York for the second time. He was rewarded with an appointment as a general in the New York militia prior to the Civil War. When the war actually began Arthur had a safe and cushy job outfitting the militia for federal service. In 1862 he became state quartermaster general and his personal wealth grew quickly.

After the war he was appointed Collector for the Port of New York by another honest man, President U.S. Grant. During his tenure he saw to it that party regulars were given the good jobs. They, in turn paid, a percentage of their wages into Republican party campaign funds. Clever.

After Rutherford B. Hayes became President in 1877 he attempted to control this spoils system that had emerged. He appointed a commission to investigate the New York Customs House and it reported that three officers, including Arthur were neglecting their duties to handle party matters.

According to Frederick T. Frelinghuysen, Arthur’s Secretary of State Arthur has never done anything anyone else hadn’t already done.

“He’s no bigger crook than Grant…or even Hayes,” said Frelinghuysen. “His manipulation and sale of the Brooklyn Bridge will go down in history as “good business”. His renovation of the White House after it was occupied but downright slobs deserves acclaim,” said the secretary. “Just because all of his old buddies are getting rich off the American taxpayer doesn’t make him a bad guy.”

Many Americans, waking up to the threats from outside interests see a capable President as one who can make a few deals, twist a few wrists. They seem to accept the fact that some graft will occur and ignore hands in the cookie jar. Under all those whiskers they prefer to see their President as a good guy who is deserving of respect.

“We can’t keep an eye on the Brits and the lid on the Indian situation without someone who can pull a few strings residing in the White House,” explained one voter. “I say let him have at it. If he gets thrown in jail there’s always his vice-President, if he only had one.”

Continued in 1883

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Lipstick on the virus pig

(Denver) The decision to reclassify medical masks as lingerie has spurred a startling increase in use as well as created lots of interest in applied fashion in the age of limbo. Colorado Governor Jared Polis made the announcement Thursday raising eyebrows but not ruffling feathers in this purple state.

According to leading retailers even the gender-distinct mask styles have already blurred the images or male and female mugs. Coupled with a built-in disguise mechanism, over the nose and face, the masks severely push the limit with regards to identity theft and often threaten traditional security methods.

The sometimes-scanty masks often made of lavish fabrics and featuring curves in all the right places, have been selling like hotcakes since they hit the market in July. Classification like this one not only pushes the masks into the spotlight but demands ingenuity along the way creating satellite industries and more jobs for developing sweat shops.

“These facial coverings are no different than scarves or sweat socks,” said Abby Daybedd, a former morality chairman in the Nixon Administration. “But the fact that they are considered lingerie goes a long way toward explaining the trendy chaos that follows homo sapiens and what constitutes legitimate style.”

Experts say the sudden popularity of the facemasks is due in part with the human desire to be attractive, even erotic in dress, attitude and mannerisms.

“If the government can convince its constituency that facemasks are attractive even sensual we re all in worse trouble than we thought,” said Daybedd.

Despite primary utilitarian concerns as to the nature of the facade, ground-floor manufacturers are already producing edible masks, bikini masks, lip pump coverings, falsie masks, demi-masks, bully masks and a overwhelming assortment of BDSM masks. One innovative factory has promised to concoct a crotchless mask before Valentine’s Day.

“In keeping with good taste, attire junkies are asked to avoid sequin masks and to reject the growing punk practice of wearing white or pastel after Labor Day.

– Evelyn Marmotbreath

Local Landfills Seek Rebranding

(Montrose) Sick and tired of being called the dump, local trash brokers here are completing a serious makeover of this and other associate landfills. Image-conscious trademarks and logos are high on the docket and should be completed by fall. Then a soft opening for Christmas is slated, followed by a hard opening the following summer.

“It’s flat amazing how fast bureaucracies can move once someone lights a fire under them,” said Wynonna Wrapp, a consumer advocate and environmental technician. “In fairness we have seen government agencies shift gears and implement programs that benefit all clientele, from the lowest of disposers to the corporate garbage collectors”.

Tree planting, ponds, shade, windbreaks, a gift shop and a hermetically-sealed cafe are all in the works. Socialist shuttles to and from the destination sites are all part of the plan to humanize the waste experience.

Citing problems discarding debris, Wrapp called on municipalities to change the way we throw away our garbage. “Allowing our clientele access to heavy equipment and explosive devices would send a strong message that we encourage participation in the process of burying refuse, which we do not!”

Economic development committees, reportedly headquartered in nearby commercial zones, will begin weekly visits to the Gold Star Waste Sites and prepare blueprints aimed at a more pleasant encounter for the throngs of visitors expected in the heavy tourist months. Live music venues, tractor pulls and cook-offs aren’t far behind according to varied sources.

“Sure little souvenirs are nice, rides & balloons are positive and shooting rats is fun,” said Wrapp, “but we hope to get to the bottom of such conflicts as flies and aroma. We want to keep it cleaner. We want to educate.”

Email them at www.teamlandfill@usa.com and they’ll send you an hourly email so you can follow the entire transformation from home. And don’t forget to sign up to win a signature dumpster or a previously owned microwave. Other great prizes like big-screen TVs, hats and t-shirts plus garbage bags for life.

– Tommy Middlefinger