All Entries Tagged With: "Mars"
DATA BACKS HOPE OF NIGHTLIFE ON MARS
(Cahone) Initial data sent back to earth from Mars Pathfinder indicates that a nightlife exists on the Red Planet. Martian rover craft, scurrying about the surface, revealed multicolored rocks, craters and other geological features that are much like those in places like Las Vegas, Rio de Janeiro and Bahrain. Weathered ruins of what appear to be neon signs dot the landscape leading scientists to believe that nightclubs once loomed.
One such spot, dubbed Barnacle Bills’ by NASA sources, could have been the kissing cousin of such modern shrines as the Hard Rock Cafe or Señor Frog’s. Gray rock formations, discovered in the shadow of a region dubbed “Twin Peaks”, may well have been the amphitheaters of days gone by. Long whitish stone outcroppings may have been bars, the carefully placed black boulders busy waitron stations.
“The lounges, clearly visible in most of the pictures, suggest that the Martians of past centuries liked to kick up their heels,” said one geologist on the Mars team. “Imagine a landscape that closely resembles Northwest New Mexico or Eastern Colorado. Doesn’t it stand to reason that living in a forsaken spot such as this would create the need to go dancing on the weekends?”
The majority of scientists studying Pathfinder’s contributions feel that Mars had a watery past.
“Scotch and water is not all that far fetched,” said another researcher. “Rocks are scattered around just like the meteor craters in Arizona. We think they functioned as metamorphic bar stools.”
One NASA secret document continually makes reference to a simulated Martian landscape called “the Sandbox”. A spokesman for the aerospace engineers would not comment directly on what this indicates, nor would she respond to questions having to do with prehistoric light shows, go-go cages, happy hours or how a bottle of Polish vodka appeared on Pathfinder when the sun went down.
– Rocky Flats
Starter Colonies in Cyberspace Anticipated
(Hotchkiss) Scientists attached to the Roger’s Mesa Alien Study Institute at Lazear say they expect starter colonies in cyberspace by 2025. Crowded conditions and the lack of farmland on earth were cited as the major reason for human relocation to the otherwise uncharted terrain.
At present, research indicates that cyberspace is ready to support inhabitants and sustain life forms such as animals and plants.
“Most of us fall into one of those categories,” laughed Dr. Laura Borealis, Director of the Institute that was established to counsel dogs and monkeys sent into outer space in the 50s.
According to a host of filed reports cyberspace is endless enough since asphalt, tacky subdivisions and mindless sprawl, are still illegal within those environs. Although oxygen levels fluctuate and gravitational concerns have yet to be undressed, the scientists have given a firm thumbs up to the more than 200 potential homesteaders who have applied for high-speed trip permits and thousands of dotcom caches up to 80 acres.
“Cyberspace pioneers may feel like a one-eyed cat in a henhouse or even a dog on three legs right now,” said Borealis, “but they are a resilient group in search of a better life for their children where clean air and water are the rule and all is in sync with nature. Sure, things are mellow around here but that is not the case on most of the planet.”
Conflicts with the Hotchkiss National Fish Hatchery have been blown out of proportion, according to the director who emphasized that there is a place for trout, as well as kokanee salmon in cyberspace. Principles at the hatchery have repeatedly accused the alien study institute of mollycoddling recovering space travelers and secretly housing refugees from Aspen.
“I’ve pretty much had it up to the gills with these fishwits,” winked Borealis. We have always been careful not to muddy the water or observe the trout during intimate spawning moments. Any moron can tell you that mixing trout with the aliens, galaxy-challenged chimps, stressed out doggie astronauts and even our technicians is bad medicine.”
Borealis added that the fish hatchery people were simply jealous in that they are not allowed to send clients into space.
In a related development, NASA is calling agricultural experiments on the Martian surface “a dismal failure” in that tomatoes grown and picked green there before shipment to markets on earth taste like plastic.
“Even though they are all shined up and look exactly like tomatoes they taste like cardboard,” said one genetically altered NASA investigator. “They just ain’t maters.”
– Suzie Compost
