All Entries Tagged With: "madman absolved from traffic infraction"

Horseshoe Pleads Insanity — Beats Parking Ticket

(Crested Butte) General Kashmir Horseshoe, 149, was absolved of all wrongdoing in municipal traffic quart here this morning. He had plead not guilty by reason of insanity to charges that he had illegally parked his fire-engine red 1938 Packard on Sopris Avenue some three weeks prior.

A twenty-five dollar parking ticket plus towing charges were dismissed.

Acting as his own attorney, Horseshoe claimed that he was not fluent in foreign languages and therefore could not be held responsible for breaking the law as spelled out through a series of confusing road signs. He offered to show conclusive proof that he was clinically insane and began throwing himself around the quartroom, drooling, babbling incoherently, his eyes rolling around in the back of his head, a faraway mirk stretched across his saggy mug.

Then, after being restrained by the flirtatious bailiff, Horseshoe claimed that he was tone deaf, legally blind, psychotic, gun-shy and stupid. He added that he suffered severe seizures, on the half-hour, brought on by chronic gout and rum. He then explained the details of the evening in question and told the judge that a fine of that amount represented cruel and unusual punishment.

At that point, he proceeded to produce a well-worn, beaded wallet void of any funds. On the wallet was stitched St. Louis World’s Fair. The only thing in the crude purse was a piece of ancient lint-covered chewing gum, which he offered to the judge to take home for her children.

In Our Opinion: Dressed in a pink terrycloth bathrobe, a Union saber and unlaced Sorrels, if he was guilty of anything or any charges it was overacting.

“I find the defendant not guilty,” hollered the judge. “Now clear the quart before I change my mind and throw everyone in jail!”

Upon exiting the quartroom Horseshoe tripped on an AK-47 casing discarded on a flight of stairs and fell violently to the ground spraining his tongue and knocking his left eyelid out of kilter. He plans to sue the gov’ment for damages.

                                                                                  -Thumbellina Etchabarron