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Western Slope Report

with Uncle Pahgre

Hispanics May Have Settled Southwest First

(Ridgway) Researchers here at the Cookie Tree Institute are suggesting that Latinos may have been the first Europeans to inhabit the Southwestern United States. They insist that mounds of discovered artifacts, language and cultural deposits and architectural styles common to the Iberian Peninsula present conspicuous evidence that the place was home to peoples from Mexico and Spain long before it was owned and operated by gringos and persons of  Northern European ancestry.

     The genetics of the locale point to a longstanding Hispanic population that arrived in the 1500s and fought with native groups already in residence. This historic contingency appears to be supported by the writings of the first mountain men, from east of the Mississippi who often intermarried and lived in pueblos like Taos and the missions of California.

     “What tipped the scales are the names of all the towns like Santa Fe, Chama, Del Norte and San Luis.” said one researcher. “We noticed a slew of these names on maps and confirmed them with on-site visits. Why would these towns be named this way if they were established by anyone else?”

     Whether or not this study will help to alleviate problems related to illegal aliens arriving here to work has yet to be determined but the term reverse manifest destiny has been introduced in whispered conversations as far east as Baltimore.

     Many current gringo residents have taken offense to the allegations saying that the data collected was one-sided and inappropriate.

     Take local pronunciation of Buena Vista  and Salida for instance,” said Earl Cowbutte, or Parlin. “Do these sound like Spanish names to you?”

     Reaction across the country was a mixture of anger and indifference.

     “Cut the bleeding heart crap and show me a deed,” said Cal Cajun, a developer in Albuquerque, who has built over 50 gated communities here since the 80s. “It’s all just talk without documentation.”

     Madeline Althare, a Congressperson from New York had another angle: “Who cares who lived there or lives there today. It’s all a bunch of cactus and rattlesnakes with abandoned cars and junk trailers all over. I saw it on Discovery or in the Times.

     Meanwhile the excavations go on and the ascertains grow stronger every day. Native American groups, offended that they were not introduced into the formula say they will boycott a coming vote that would give Arizona back to Mexico for cash and a player to be named later.

Liberals form gun club

(Gunnison) The Ted Kennedy Rifle Range opened its doors today as thousands of closet liberals flocked to the spot to scope in rifles and take target practice. Many long identified left-wingers have given their blessing to the creation of the facility due to what they see as a growing rift between the left and the right in this country.

     “The levels of intolerance are burgeoning what with hate talk radio and White House arrogance,” explained Adlai Leghorne, who donated the 5 acre property adjacent to the local identity theft impound lot east of town. “We just want to send a clear message that, if attacked, we are prepared to fight back.”

     The gun club consists of ½ mile of open field ranges, over 40 targets and a gun shop where members can purchase weapons and ammunition at discount prices. Perceived as a group that opposes the proliferation of firearms and the more peaceful, passive way, these liberals are spending money like nobody’s business, arming themselves to the teeth.

     “We are beginning to grasp the importance of the Second Amendment especially when it comes to deterring undemocratic government and responding to threats both domestic and foreign,” said Leghorne.

     Unconfirmed sources say the membership has been shooting off rounds and experimenting with a myriad of explosive devices.

     “We can see them training early in the morning,” said one neighbor. “The bayonet drills are quite impressive.”

     Sociologists fear that the right-wing threat, perceived or imagined, has generated this backlash among people who traditionally have preferred passive response to aggressive tactics.

     “The Left is making a statement,” said one expert on social behavior at Taylor Park Military Academy. “It’s no longer business as usual. Now liberals are prepared to shoot back…and with accuracy.”

     Whether this will help balance the factions or create even more separation in the future is anyone’s guess.

     “The gov’ment and the rich warlords that run this country seek to split the populace in a classic divide and conquer maneuver that has worked quite well up until now,” added Leghorne. “What both the liberals and conservatives don’t comprehend is that they have one common enemy…the feds. It is clearly within the scope of consciousness that the gov’ment rules by control with agencies such as the illegal Internal Revenue Service and the Federal Reserve Board poised on the front line of this struggle. As long as we continue to fight each other we may never get around to chasing these pirates out of office.” – Kashmir Horseshoe