All Entries Tagged With: "lawsuit"
Colorado weather “Just too nice” say neighboring states
(Laramie WY) States bordering Colorado are up in arms over what they say are fraudulent weather patterns encouraged down in Colorado. Included in a hastily prepared class action suit are accusations of entrapment, extortion, water grabs and illegal baiting.
Oklahoma, Kansas, Wyoming and Nebraska are named as plaintiffs with Texas and Louisiana expected on board within hours, even though these two domains do not physically touch the Centennial State.
The suit demands that Colorado “stop hoarding the sun and use the alpine climate sparingly so that others may participate in the celebration of life.”
“We hate seeing skier sitting out on so many decks catching rays in the snow while we’re freezing in our horrid winters,” continued the grievance.
The court action calls for a sharing of natural resources, lucrative cash settlement and an assortment of retroactive damages such as the return of Kiowa County to Kansas and reparations for expenses incurred by law enforcement in the face of illegal cannabis transport.
The suit did not mention the occupation of Slippery Jim Spring by a Rock Springs gun club last month. The seizure of that popular lover’s rendezvous, coupled with the looting of Maybell’s main street art galleries, has left residents here steaming mad.
“Lots of people think Colorado is frozen from November too April but that isn’t true,” said Deb Moniker, of Western Colorado Ski Country “There are pockets and banana belts and Santa Ana winds and lots of sun. There are natural hot springs. A person could play nine holes of golf in the morning at Cedaredge then drive less than two hours up to Silverton and hit the slopes for the afternoon,” she explained.
“It’s just damn nice here 90% of the time,” said April Gunderson of the Montrose Economic Development Consortium. “So what if so many of our young people have to leave in search of viable careers, we’re building houses like mad and we have every chain known to man on South Townsend. If it wasn’t for the occasional cold snap we could almost be classified as Mediterranean.
Although threats of secession and tariffs have subsided in favor of a war of attrition, plaintiffs will find it difficult to harness such a diverse region.
“A siege of towns such as Lake City and Crested Butte could prove futile since invading infantries are caught short of breath, often needing oxygen to continue the assault,” said Gunderson, “and that says nothing of blockading the uncharted miles of irrigation canals and ditches that meander through the near-desert.”
It has long been known that flatlanders resent mountain folk for their sorrels and winter tans, thinking us “oh so special freeloaders living hand to mouth in their elastic bubbles, incapable of comprehending real American weather of the Plains.
Insiders say the entire legal battle is in retribution for the University of Colorado leaving the Big Eight for the Pac-12 years ago and barely-masked jealousy over “immoral marijuana laws that have generated a fortune in the Rockies.
– Betta “Pickled” Grouper
“You’ve got a heavy pouring’ hand, Maggie”
– Melvin O’Toole to bar maid Margaret Doyle, while enjoying a wee John Powers with his Guinness, Bankers Bar, Trinity Street, Dublin.
