All Entries Tagged With: "Lake City"

Heeny Tick Festival Recipient of Grant

(Breckenridge) The fiscally troubled Heeny Tick Festival, held in late summer “when the monsoon grass is just right”, has received a $100 grant from Eddie’s “Clean Mouth” Bait Shop and Grill in nearby Kremmling. The funds, which were deposited immediately in the official festival account, will be dispersed throughout the summer prior to the actual competition, flame-throwing events and semi-formal dinner dance.

Having lost an estimated $86 since 1990, the executive directors had decided to scrap the affair in favor of a day trip to the outlet stores over in Silverthorne . However, due to the infusion of hard cash, it looks like the popular extravaganza will once again grace the shores of Green Mountain Reservoir.

Ticks were introduced to the area in 1888 in an attempt to keep drunks from knocking over sluice boxes on the Blue River, which was considered sacred by gold seekers of the time. Since mining days the insects have propagated leaving a sort of bug tailing problem that has yet to be undressed by the Environmental Protection Agency down on the prairie below.

Over 20,000 ticks are expected to join in the three-day festivities which also include black flies, earwigs and cameos by the region’s mosquito cartels.

Persons seeking more information on participation, franchise options, investments and lodging should contact the Heeny Boosters.

CHENEY ACTIVE IN WYOMING CULT

(Cody, WY) Former Vice-President Dick Cheney has been linked to a right-wing Wyoming cult that calls for the calculated plunder of the American West. The primarily Caucasoid group, known as the GOP, or Republican Party, intends to log, drill and mine what is left of the wilderness with little or no consideration for conservation, future generations and quality of life.

“It’s all about the rich making money in this country,” said rancher Eliot Rosewater. “It’s always been that way. All the glorious wars, the justice for all and the freedom rhetoric are just patriotic trimming.”

Although not technically a secret organization, the Wyoming GOP has for decades been less than public in its dealings. Supported by special interests, the cult has been alarmingly successful getting its members elected to legislative positions within the commonwealth. Ritualistic practices often associated with this cult include back-slapping, glad-handing, making large bank deposits, good-old-boyism and handy, pseudo-religious affiliations Occasionally an adversary, or coyote as they are sometimes called, has to be shot when he gets “too close to the sheep”, but that, as was noted, is quite rare.

Known for extreme veneration of accumulated wealth, members exhibit a me first ideology as well as an arrogance toward other cultures, even within their own country. According to the official gov’ment position citizens are in no danger from the Cheney sect just so long as they do not disagree with its basic principlesor bring up subjects such as war crimes tribunals and off-shore bank accounts.

Other cults, calling themselves everything from Democrat to Tea Party, attempt to paint a distinct picture of themselves so as to distance their agenda from that of the GOP are basically identical, and answer to the same puppet masters wrapped in the American flag.

FRIDAY NIGHT FISH FRY

(Centerville, Ohio — 1956)

Perhaps it was because my front teeth had only recently returned as viable chomping tools. Maybe it was because I hadn’t eaten since lunch, but I was hungry as hell in a room full of heaven-bound perch partisans. The large, brightly lit grade school auditorium remained rather bleak with drab tile, chilly echoes and dusty curtains, separating the saints from the sinners.

At the far north end, adjacent to the stairs were the heralded cooks…The Knights of Columbus. They looked more like the Knights of Hudepohl* sipping away at one hopped diversion that would never be declared even a venial sin. As the fish sizzled, the men of the parish drained their mugs, keeping a watchful eye on hush puppies and slaw.

Everyone smoked. This was America in the Cold War, the days of Beaver and Wally, Dwight Eisenhower, and muscle cars. Puffing was part of the admission price, I guess. This was before the great enlightenment with regards to first, second, third and fourth-hand tobacco. This was before the insurance companies, losing money on health claims, strong-armed the feds to legislate anti-smoking propaganda in schools like this one.

The scene: Humphrey Bogart takes a bullet in World War I. He’s about to go under. What does his buddy do? He puts a lit Viceroy or Chesterfield in his mouth, and tells him to hang on until the medic gets there. Bogart smiles and sucks in a lung full of smoke…

     In no time the hall was full of people wanting to eat fried fish. The cooks now had become servers and plopped the prescribed ingredients down on paper plates. The line was long but, as I said, I was quite hungry.

I looked up toward the action and saw Mr. Petrocelli serving up the fish and Mr. Schultz manning the hush puppy tray. Both had red noses and smiles. Mr. Gillhooley, a man who according to close friends even smoked in his sleep, was standing by in foggy reserve. He filled the glasses of his two colleagues and topped off his own mug for good measure.

Watching as my fellow diners found empty card tables and began to eat I became desperate. There were my mother and sister chowing down. Even my baby brother was gnawing on a piece of fish.

If I don’t get some fish soon I’m going to pass out. I caught another whiff of smoke. The wheels of a seven-year-old’s mind only turn so far. What is the attraction with this puffing? Will I smoke and act like this when I embrace adulthood? I remained perplexed as to the behavior behind the counter. Beer and cigarettes…and maybe laughter in the dark. Probably a lot of converts.

After what seemed as long as the drive across Nebraska I got close enough to pick out a piece of fish. That one, no that one, the one in the front, the big on…and more hush puppies,” I thought to myself. “I don’t remember when I was this hungry. I hope they don’t run out before I can land seconds.”

As I shuffled next to the serving table a terrible thing happened. Mr. Petrocelli switched jobs with Mr. Gillhooley, and Mr. Schultz was  up to his elbows in flour and grease. Now the lineup read: Mr. Petrocelli on slaw, with a pinch hitter called in to bat for Mr. Schultz, who had now switched to Schoenling**. By the time I arrived at the head of the line it was Mr. Gillhooley serving up the fish.

I watched in awe as he lit another cigarette. It seemed instinctual, even for a semi-polite seven-year-old to let a few people ahead of me. It was the Christian thing to do. That cigarette… Go ahead Mrs. Gmaz. After you Mrs. Higgins. You were here first Mr. McDuffy…No I’m sure. Please go ahead. The ash got longer. It looked like the beginnings of another Ash Wednesday on his lip. He’s gonna drop it. No. It’s holding firm. Gravity has got to make a play…It’s getting longer. It’s gonna drop right into the batter…It’s gonnna drop into the slaw.

By now my hunger had subsided. Mr. Gillhooley’s cigarette ash now measured about four inches. If he spoke or wiggled his face the thing would have to fall into the plate of some righteous diner. God help us if there’s an earthquake or a sonic boom!

Not taking any chances, I backed up so as to vacate the line that I had once held so dear.

The ash hung there, like a parched worm, like a burned out firecracker.

“Drop! Drop!” I urged silently. “Drop Gilhooley ash! Drop ash of Satan!”

“Wait! Kid, don’t you want some fish?” said Gillhooley, turning abruptly,  his cigarette ash floating harmlessly to the floor.

“Sure, Mr Gillhooley,” I said, recovering.

“Aren’t you Walt’s boy? Now there’s a fine gentlemen if I’ve ever seen one.”

“Thank you, sir,” I muttered, checking my fish for dark intrusions. It looked all right. As I walked away from the serving line my appetite miraculously returned. Even though the hush puppies were cold and the cole slaw was warm the meal went down fine.

I made it back into line for seconds thanking divine providence that the good nuns had not been invited to witness this impious fish fry.

– Kevin Haley

* a beer brewed in Cincinnati

**another beer brewed in the Queen City (Cincinnati)

Ouray’s Smoky Joe Wood Once The Best Pitcher in the World

Smoky Joe Wood, who spent his formative years in Ouray, with Christy Mathewson during the World Series of 1912.
(Photo property of Ouray Historical Museum – Used by permission)

29,000 fans crammed Fenway Park on September 6, 1912 to witness the matchup between the Washington Senators’ Walter “Big Train” Johnson and Boston Red Sox’s Smoky Joe Wood. The two fireballers admired each other greatly. Johnson and Wood carried with them impressive credentials, each having set records, winning 16 straight games during that season.

Johnson grew up and learned to pitch in Orange County, California while Joe Wood grew up and played baseball in Ouray, Colorado.

The newspapers loved it. Johnson had remarked, according to The Glory of Their Times by Lawrence Ritter: “Can I throw harder than Joe Wood? Listen, my friend, there’s no man alive that throws harder than Smoky Joe Wood.” Years later in a taped interview Wood said of Johnson: “He was always starting from behind with that ballclub. Walter Johnson was the best pitcher that ever lived.”

That was Boston’s year due in part to Wood’s 34 wins and a .383 batting average by the great Tris Speaker. They finished the campaign with 105 wins and 47 losses. By the time of the historic meeting at Fenway arrived the Red Sox had run away with the pennant.

Back to the game: Both hurlers dominated until, in the third, George McBride hit a lead-off double going to third on an infield out. Wood then walked two batters to load the bases but struck out the next two men to end the threat. In the sixth Speaker doubled down the third-base line and later scored on an error to give the Sox a 1-0 lead. The Senators put men on base in all three of the remaining innings but failed to score. By then Wood’s hummer was blinding. He gave up six hits and struck out nine in the victory. Boston went on to clinch on September 18.

The World Series pitted the Sox against Christy Mathewson and the New York Giants. In the first outing Wood struck out Art Fletcher and Doc Crandall, with the winning run on base, to end the game. In game 4 Wood, facing Jeff Tesreau for the second time, beating him 3-1 while striking out eight. The game ended with a Giant’s victory at the Polo Grounds. The score stood 3 games to 2 favor of the Sox.

On October 15 Joe faced more than the Giants. Due to weather and disruption on the part of Boston fans he finished his warm- ups only to wait 45 minutes before the start of the game. He got clobbered  11-4. The next day Mathewson started the seventh game for the Giants with Wood in the dugout. By the seventh it was tied. By the eighth Smoky Joe was once again on the mound. This time he held the Giants to a run while Boston scored the go ahead runs in the tenth to win the Series. That was his third World Series win that year.

Smoky Joe warming up. His blazing “hummer” caused Giants fan and baseball historian Grantland Rice to write: “Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are, Wood pitched again.”
(Photo compliments Ouray Historical Museum – Used by permission).

He finished the 1912 season a phenomenal 34-5 after posting 23 wins the season before. He started 1913 on the right track posting an 11-5 record. It was then that he suffered a series of injuries that would ultimately end his pitching career. He went on to a 9-3 record in 1914 and was 15-5 in 1915. Excellent stats for most but not for Wood. Due to arm and shoulder injuries he sat out 1916 saying “I never threw a day after that when I wasn’t in pain.”

In 1918 he got a second wind. A standout in right field for the Cleveland Indians, he batted .298 through 1922. His career batting average was .283 and he was 116-57 with a lifetime ERA of 2.03 holding 51 Red Sox records. Only nine home runs were hit off him during his entire Major League stint.

With accomplishments like these Wood would certainly be inducted into the Hall-of-Fame, but to this day he is not. Insiders point to the brevity of his career although Hall-of-Famer Dizzy Dean played one less season. Others say it’s because he was never fully cleared of charges related to an alleged run-fixing scandal during an gray era when betting was widespread. An oversight on the part of Commissioner Kenesaw Mountain Landis left Joe’s name out of the mess when he exonerated Ty Cobb and Tris Speaker, who had been “implicated in the impropriety.”

Wood went on to coach baseball at Yale and was named to the all-time Red Sox pitching staff along with Babe Ruth, Cy Young and Lefty Grove. He passed away in 1985 at age 95.

The criteria for admission to Baseball’s Hall-of-Fame says: Candidates shall be chosen on the basis of playing ability, integrity, sportsmanship, character, their contribution to the team on which they played and to baseball in general. Wood scores high in all of these considerations and is deserving of honor at Cooperstown.

Said Tris Speaker in 1958: “Joe, there is no question that you belong in the Hall-of-Fame. Unfortunately you hurt your arm at the height of your career. Your all around ability and the fact that you made yourself into a good big league outfielder should count.”

Further information on the life of Smoky Joe Wood are available at the Ouray Historical Museum. Thanks to Joe’s son Bob Wood, and grandson Rob Wood for information on Ouray’s greatest athlete.

– Kevin Haley

TVs for food program progressing nicely say officials

(Yellow Jacket, CO) Residents and visitors alike in Montezuma County are encouraged to trade in their unwanted, unused and unsafe televisions for food. A stray cat to the many heralded guns for food programs, this new plan promises discretion, privacy and a fair price for one’s television set..

For decades social scientists and educators have screamed and hollered for television control but networks, manufacturers and lobbyists have consistently snuffed out their pleas. Today in a small Colorado county activists have succeeded in getting some 300 potentially dangerous televisions off the streets.

“The gov’ment seems only too happy to ignore us,” said one activist. “They say television is an entertainment  tradition and provides the most sophisticated communication known to man. But we all know that it is the catalyst, the heart and soul, of the well-documented Numbing of the Nationals Program.”

The NNP is a secret gov’ment agenda which calls for the lowering of the IQ some twelve points by 2018 while raising militant testosterone and diverting significant nurturing hormones.

“Without television the gov’ment could never pull it off. People would function at a much higher level during evening hours and find that there is better entertainment inside their heads than on the tube,” continued added another acutely unreliable street source.

Concerned with what they say is approaching French Revolution standards in many neighborhoods throughout the country, leaders here shared the common consensus.

“Today television is probably much more harmful than firearms,” said Ashly Toallas-Towel, allegedly a county commissar. “If the feds really wanted to control violent behavior they would look toward the TV screen for some answers. Relationships, family, success and yes, handguns are depicted as options of no consequence. TV sends the wrong message plus too many hours gives the viewer a fat ass to boot.” she stressed.

Apparently the status of the television sets is not important. But like the gun exchange certain models will demand more at the grocery. For instance a regular 19-inch color set might bring a bologna-velveta-canned beer menu while an Flatscreen HD set may net groceries for the T-Bone-lobster tail-nice bottle of wine taste.

“We don’t care if they work or not. There’s nothing on worth watching until Bronco season anyway,” said a deputy. “We just want these things out of houses same as we want guns off the street.”

It is estimated that everyone in the county owns at least two weapons

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

“We need our guns. It’s the televisions we’d like to be rid of,” continued the deputy.

Critics of the program insist that it is just the beginning of “full government control over every aspect of our daily lives.

“Criminals don’t trade in televisions. It’s responsible television owners doing that!” said an unidentified spokesman for the National Television Association. “How you gonna watch American Idle or NASCAR without a TV set in your house. What if an intruder forces himself in demanding to watch the five o’clock news? Then you’ll be sorry.”

The relinquished televisions will be destroyed nightly so as not to fall into the hands of terrorists or bankers,” peeped Toole.

“Most arsenals are inadequate to throw back a gov’ment gone mad anyway, so we might just as well eat up.”

In a somewhat related development the United States Congress today announced that it is in unanimous agreement as to the implementation of stricter gun control measures, for South Asia and The Mideast.

– Susie Compost