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Reader Prompts More Than Bells and Whistles Says Judge

(Colona) Methods of reader inducement, employed by a local website to increase domain traffic, is instead goading rather than simple encouragement says a county judge here.

In addition, the albeit questionable premiums guaranteed by sanjuanhorseshoe.com may be bogus in that not one reader has received anything since 1977.

“The oh-so-many slogans gushed from the gob of sanjuanhorseshoe.com are a far cry from the bells and whistles originally promised,” Justice Mary Lee Lewis explained to a packed quartroom Thursday.

“The publishers of the gossip organ were subpoenaed ad testificandum decades ago and have only appeared today after threat of incarceration. We have them in our grasp and intend to act within the full force of what is good in this culture,” she said glaring at the defendants.

According to an aid-memoire released by the same court in 1980 the Horseshoe, then a monthly newspaper used threats, bullying, literary pressure, food deprivation, sleep manipulation, political cadres on the lawn, tedious hunter safety classes, forced grammar reassignment, electric shocks and in extreme cases…cattle prods.

“We never used political cadres on the lawn,” cried Kashmir Horseshoe, who stands to lose his 3000-acre Vicuna ranch if convicted. “They always watched from the street or alley. Otherwise, even a hint of accountability is out the window.”

Horseshoe went on to claim that most humans are stupid, lazy and needed to be reeducated as to the proper way to embrace the natural thought patterns of the cosmos.

“Forms of inspiration vary from culture to culture,” chided the judge. “Plato talked about this. So did the Tao masters and the people that discovered uses for the agave plant.

“Let’s face it once and for all: The Spanish Inquisition was never really about conjunctions, the past perfect or irregular verbs,” she said, “but it certainly fit in nicely when it came to the disappearances and depopulation of Spanish heretics and other troublemakers.

“1984 was not about 1984 either,” she choked, holding back tears amid the tensions of a highly emotional venue.

Horseshoe plans to counter sue the state of Colorado claiming political prisoner status or incompetence to stand trail, whichever is easiest.

 -Uncle Pahgre