All Entries Tagged With: "Information"

WHAT I’VE FOUND OUT

Grandfather clauses are only as good as the grandfather himself.

Guinness always appears in the plural form. Attempts to employ in the singular are grammatically and socially incorrect. It is akin to trying to drink only one. The word is similar to deer and hops, as in the incorrect usage: deers and hop.

Murphy gas can cover Ballyhops in springtime and the mountains are green over Bantry.

I don’t trust the government, the media or my 3-iron and I don’t rely on the cops.

If all politicians were professional wrestlers the conventions would be worth watching.

The Heeny Tick Festival has had its fiscal difficulties over the past few years.

On British television they have a program that presents actual hospital operations live each day. In Ireland they bet on the outcome.

West Texas may have been shorted on landscapes but more than makes up for it in beautiful women.

Praying is perfectly legitimate in casinos and bingo parlors. The gov’ment hasn’t regulated that freedom yet.

If the feds drain Lake Powell they will have no place to put all that water.

The Luddites were right. So were the Lombards for that mattter.

If the Creator were inclined to invest in humans again he/she might be planning to send a daughter next time around. Why not let her give it a try. What could go wrong?

Vegans are not within the target audience of the Slim Jim Company.

With the recent sale of a 1955 Cadillac Sedan de Ville to Hector Maria-Perez of Santiago de Cuba there are now more vintage Yanqui cars in that country than in the U.S. This shameful disregard for cultural priorities has been documented by everyone from Diana Shore to Edsel to the American Automobile Club. If Roscoe Ortega can come up with the down payment on a 1959 Lincoln Town Car this weekend it is feared the Cubans may enjoy a two-car lead by the All-Star break.

If the Ten Commandments serve no secular purpose (as a federal judge ruled recently in London, Kentucky than what constitutes secular?

Thanks to the millions of dollars spent to take the recent census we can accurately determine that no one lives on Duckwater Peak in Eastern Nevada. In addition very few persons reside on nuclear test sites there either.

Bad actors make bad Presidents.

Harvesting wild asparagus in local ditches works better during the daylight hours when consistency, plumpness and maturity of the stalks are easier to determine. Picking the vegetable on private property often works better at night, under the cover of darkness, when land owners are fast asleep.

In the restaurant business it’s always better to have more customers than cooks.

There is no doubt that the Utes had nuclear capability back in the 19th Century. They simply lacked the technology to deliver the big one. Had Colorow been the chief instead of Ouray (who like many modern day “leaders” was never officially elected by the populace) the Meeker Massacre would have been served with mushrooms.

There are never mosquitoes, leeches, provincial governments or patriotic expectations on charter boat brochures for the African Queen.

It’s easier to bring down a charging bull elk with a butter knife than catch retreating fruit flies with chopsticks.

If rodeo bulls used steroids we’d be forced to contend with deep-fried Rocky Mountain oysters the size of lasur peas. At that point the USFDA would step in and demand that the whole mess be wrapped up in mounds of plastic, complete with enhancement injections, health inspections and official manuals covering such subjects as hand washing techniques and the proper conduct when using fly swatters.

Poor people are generally lazy and do not want to take advantage of the multitude opportunities afforded to them in a free society.

If the Kansas Board of Education banned all Tarzan and Jane movies the Garden of Eden would quickly revert to chaos, green apples and dangerous theories of evolution.

Soccer Moms Against Terrorism will not last since there are no real moms and no real soccer balls…and the terrorists retain lawyers and sport diamond-studded brief cases. It is nothing more than a front for massive development and water piracy both here and along the Confront Range. Martha Stewart has never been a member since she is not really a mom either.

It’s all right to have imaginary friends. The trouble begins when they expect you to pay for the rounds of drinks that they have ordered or for shopping sprees to Cherry Creek Mall. Point of interest:

In the past 200 years not one Tommyknocker has been knocked up within the confines of Colorado..

Real estate prices are down in the Red States because nobody wants to move there. The one noted exception to all of this is Texas, where is has always been about the money.

People in Ridgway don’t wave at each other now like they did in 1975.

The hole in the ozone over Patagonia makes light of the fact that the planet has succumbed to the deeds of its most favored children.

There is very little reason to wear a disguise if you live on an island.

Osama bin Laden was never drafted by the Las Vegas Raiders but the team did produce an offer sheet matching comparable options extended by the government of Saudi Arabia.

Our Broncos: It really doesn’t matter who you hoodwink into playing tackling dummy quarterback without protection. Can you spell OFFENSIVE LINE?

Ignorance is terrorism.

Airline food and hospital food are basically the same in that both enjoy captive audiences and, if consumed regularly, would likely kill you or make you wish you were dead.

Where reality comes into play there is absolutely no reason for the existence of Grand Junction, or Vail for that matter.

Condoleezza Rice is not really a Black. She was just left in the oven to

too long while studying at Stanford.

The inhabitants of concentration camps are rarely offered amnesty, good behavior or not.

Although a marmot has never won the Miss America pageant, several princes and even a few earls have been turned into frogs. Cats sleep all day because it’s the easiest thing to do while dogs bark because they enjoy it.

Beer coolers rarely tear the lids off bears.

Banned books should be sent to Death Row.

Dionysus and Bacchus are the same god. Pan works for both of them on the weekends. None have ever had a mandate that we know of.

Slumgullion is not a federal housing project for impoverished pirates. It’s a beautiful mountain pass that takes one from Lake City to Creede.

And in finale: There have been several Presidents named George but only one named Ulysses. Mocking birds seldom inhabit their own thorn trees. Nefertiti was never allowed to have her own checking account. Woody Guthrie never set foot in a big box store.

– H.L. MENOCKEN