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(Cow Creek) Residents dependent on caller ID technology to organize their social lives have been notified that the numbers employed are off by about three digits. Already several incidents have been reported involving inappropriate responses and other negative reaction to the local communication process. In short: Before you return a call or accuse someone else of monkey business remember to subtract three from the phone number on your screen.

Callers confused with all this should just hang up and try their call again. Do not rely on your GPS!

Earlier this month Wee-Mail service was interrupted between Ohio City and Pitkin after marmots chewed through rubber bands holding the system together. It has since been repaired, the cable buried underground.

Car Alarm Freaks Bear

(Ouray) An unattended car alarm has been blamed for frightening a bruin on Main Street in this mountain town. The senseless noise reportedly scared the nomadic animal who threatened to charge several pedestrians at dusk. The ensuing confrontation resulted in bent highway signs and a slight interruption of traffic, before the bear escaped into the Oak Creek brush.

Attempts at employing simple behavior modification techniques on the probing creatures has been ineffective up till now but the use of stun guns on car alarm violators and cell phone abusers has gone quite well according to a spokesman for the city.      

Car alarms and cell phones remain illegal in Ouray County.

Already this fall more than 20 obnoxious humans have been trapped and relocated while tranquil bear watch perched in nearby trees. Humans are warned that all bear are not so peaceful. Some of the fury beasts, irritated by constipation due to a lack of berries have been quite aggressive when pressed. 

Only yesterday a Red Mountain developer from Castle Rock and his courtesan land agent were almost eaten by a protective mother bear near Ironton. Fortunately for all, the black bear did not like the taste of the prey and spit both out.


(Ouray) The long deceased editor of the famous Ouray Solid Muldoon paid a visit to the Ouray Elks Lodge last night, sipping on a beer and shooting a game of pool before retreating upstairs for a weekly lodge meeting. Although newer members expressed shock at the appearance veteran Elks say it happens all the time.

“Usually the spirits stay upstairs,” said one member, “but you know how nosy those newspaper people can be.”

After the meeting Day vanished leaving those in attendance with little else to do but adjourn to the parlor.

“That’s the first meeting he’s attended in almost 100 years,” said another Elk. “I wonder if he’s planning to pay his back dues.” 

Ancient Anasazi Chuckholes Halt Work on River Road

(Ridgway) Attempts to pave the River Road between here and Ouray have met yet another glitch with the discovery of ancient Anasazi chuckholes in the path of progress.

Serious potholes exist, like washboard minefields, from Ridgway to Miller Mesa. Primary excavation, aimed at further surveying the project, revealed hundreds of these ancient apertures along the river. Further examination has exposed modular cliff dwellings hidden amid thick oak brush on the mesa to the west.

It is believed the Ancient Ones purposely constructed the chuckholes to repel invaders and collect water during dry seasons. The stretch of road will most likely be named a National Historic District Wilderness Area which means the chuckholes will stay put and motorized travel prohibited. Persons living along the road will likely be relocated to reservations in Utah.

Kareoke Security Systems Banned at Mountain Village

(Society Turn) Authorities at the Telluride Mountain Village, attempting to negotiate a left turn in traffic near here, confirmed reports that their sector would no longer tolerate kareoke security devices within the confines of that upscale settlement.

“We’ve already got a gated community and enough cops to effectively occupy Canada,” said Frank R. Flume, of the regional fire district. Why do residents feel the need for more protection? The kareoke alarms are ugly, intrusive, difficult to install and they scare the elk.

– Signel de Bushe