All Entries Tagged With: "Gunnison"
Sophomore Wins College Poetry Contest
The winner of the Western State University student poetry contest is Melvin Ticke of Heany, Colorado. Ticke, who has been a sophomore since 1967, was awarded 1000 bags of Ramen noodles, which he ate immediatley, and $400,000 in cash. His poem is as follows:
Grasshopper Dreams
I sit bewitched by the grasshopper
outside my bathroom window
hopping
plopping
sopping
watching
the busy ants prepare
for winter’s advance.
What does he know of
gasoline prices, final exams,
the economic realities of budget deficits?
Nada.
He don’t givadamn
He sits; immersed in chew, ready to fly
high in the air with the expectation that
someone else…not the ant…not the gov’ment
not the planetary mother
will see that he makes it till spring.
What does he know of
insincerity, of recapitulation
of romantic interludes in the snow?
Nada
He don’t givadamn
Watching this grasshopper
makes my eye lids heavy. I
think I’ll join him in his quest
for internal peace by resting the outside
first and then letting the rest of…zzzzzzzz.
CONTINUED ON PAGE 46
“Pollo o Pescado?” – the expanded menu at Cafe Tranqulidad, Rumba, Colombia
Mountain Report
The Rockies, including the San Juans and Elk ranges, are up there again today standing, like a stone wall against the elements…at peace with their surroundings and in total immersion with the coming day.
According to seismic apparatus on the scene, the mountains have shifted ever so slightly to the east, compensating for a semi-detectible shift to the north last Friday. They are covered with a deep blanket of snow in 94 % of gorges and saddles with little coverage on ledges, pinnacles and other exposed terrain or on the south faces.
Despite the coming of spring down at lower altitudes many fury residents continue to burro in or hide out to survive the cold winter conditions common to areas of higher altitude.
These monuments of rock are projected to be part of the skyline landscape for many, many years to come. It is clear that the mountains will be here when humankind has disappeared or moved on. In short: Everything is copasetic in the high country.
The mountains will remain this way while most of our daily problems melt into future dilemmas and our children’s children gaze up at them in awe…in retrospect, all the more reason not to take us, and our brief time here, too seriously.
-Uncle Pahgre
Human Species Standings
Homo Sapiens 74 – 3
Home Erectus 34 – 44
Neanderthals 17 – 60
Polka, Olive Oil Life Enhancing
(Gunnison) People who regularly dance the polka and consume olive oil will live longer says a study conducted at Western State Universe here. The conclusions come as no surprise and the future is clear: We need more polka bands and we need to plant and cultivate healthy high-altitude olive trees along with the more traditional crops of onions and marijuana.
Researchers agree that long life expectancy in polka-friendly segments of Eastern Europe confirms their findings. They add that people in the Mediterranean region, whose diet is all but synonymous with olive consumption often live beyond the age of 100. Low stress, diet and rodeo participation were also factored into the formula that, of course, was measured in mule deer time.
Gluttony Replacing Travel Among Americans
(Grand Junction) Eating to excess is slowly replacing the desire to travel according to statistics compiled by the US Department of Health and Aimless Wandering. In January more than 52% of those tested gained weight while only 23% had the huevos to get on an airplane.
“It’s just that it’s easier to buy a package of Twinkies or eat at fast food emporium than it is to go anywhere,” said Melvin Toolski of the federal agency.”
Toolski added that most people become disoriented when faced with packing for even a short trip while what he called Tar Baby Security at the nation’s airports has made air travel chronically unpleasant and all but impractical.
“And this is not some cheap standup joke about airline food either,” he quipped.
Private Prisons need warm bodies! We already link education and health to monetary profit. Why not incarceration too? Invest today and share in the wealth. Plea bargains a dime a dozen through the end of the month. Ne clients: Can’t pay your bail? Grab a blanket.
Happy 4-20 from Antioquia, Colombia
La galleta favorita de la leche
Breakfast in the Andes
Beans, rice, fried plantains , cilantro and aji pimienta. Morning fuel for Paisa kings
CHURCH IN HOT WATER WITH IRS OVER CASINO OPENING
(Wimpton) The Chapel of the Full-Tilt Reformed Blinding Light Unicorn Salvation and Ante-Coastal Fellowship may forfeit its tax exempt status due to the opening of a high stakes casino on its 30,000 acre survivalist fortress here.
According to investigating Treasury Department officials tax exempt and gambling don’t mix well.
“Who ever heard of a non-profit black jack table,” said one IRS agent. “It’s virtually impossible even with the watered down games that these jokers have been pushing on their congregation since the Puritans hit the pulpit.”
The fellowship, which operates out of the trunk of a Buick LeSabre registered to a Rev. Phillip Pharisee, plans to appeal whatever decision is handed down on the grounds of religious freedom.
Traditional gambling interests in Las Vegas and Atlantic City have already threatened to align themselves with the church in light of the potential increase in customers.
“If we could crack the Sunday go-to-meeting crowd we might survive the onslaught of riverboat, Indian and low stakes shanty casinos that have cropped up in every fishing village, reservation and former mining town across the country,” said one poker-faced spokesman from Nevada.
“Imagine the profits from the fish fry/bingo contingent alone,” he mused.
Lobbyists for the gambling industry have long sought the relaxation of laws prohibiting children and the mentally ill from wagering paychecks and pumping slot machines.
“Let’s face it,” said the source, “eternal life is a gamble and there’s no better time to start counting cards than the present.”
A decision on the matter is expected Friday. Already Pharisee has threatened to relocate his fortress and his Buick to Russia, “where at least they have religious freedom”, if the IRS forces the issue.
– Uncle Pahgre
