All Entries Tagged With: "funny menu"

Red Mountain Pass to go under the knife this fall

(Ouray) Due to chronic spatial problems that prevent further widening of Highway 550, Red Mountain Pass will undergo geologic liposculpture next month. The experimental procedure, called appropriately enough, cutting edge surgery, will begin with a trimming away of rock fat and rounding out of the topography.

“Our efforts may well succeed in giving us more room to expand the falling away pavement and present the terrain with a slimmer figure,” said one highway engineer.

The lack of space at some strategic points has been a problem for decades since the footage between cliffs and drop-offs is barely wide enough for two vehicles to pass safely. Attempts at carving away at existing rock formations and shoring up eroding edges have resulted in temporary fixes.

“One of the most beautiful drives in the country could be even more enjoyable with a little more space,” said the source. “It’s a whole lot more than moving a few mountains around,” he said. “We have to respect the nature a gravity and the confines of physical laws.”

The surgery, which will be performed by lasers and arthroscopic maneuvers, will be conducted at night so as not to interfere with daytime traffic flow.

“Our main focus now is Riverside and the high country above Chattanooga. Many stretches of the pass are fine right now and will have to wait for seasonal grooming. We’re keeping an eye on them too as winter approaches.”

-Gabby Haze

SNEAKY SQUID SCARES SOAKERS

(Ridgway) The giant black squid that frightened bathers at Orvis Hot Springs in late February has been captured. The squid, probably from the West End, first appeared after the holidays and, although it was not particularly aggressive, was a cause for concern according to Ernest T. Trucha, night manager of Orvis Hot Springs.

“The marine mollusk is generally found in salt water off the coast of Nova Scotia this time of the year,” said Trucha, a former herring angler with a doctorate or two from Cal Amari Community College. “What he was doing here is anyone’s guess. Fortunately our clientele is not put off by minor distractions like this.”

The local sheriff’s department apprehended the squid just yesterday, saying it is not uncommon for sea animals to seek the waters of hot springs to survive climate change and cold summer weather. Readers will recall the Gumbo Conspiracy at the Ouray Hot Springs Pool in 1996 followed by the extended presence of lobster tails at the Wiesbaden resort the following summer.

“In the future we may see pools designed for species other than human,” laughed Trucha. “As it is we’re pushing the limit.”

The spindle-shaped squid will be housed in the bass tank at Ridgway Hardware until it can be released into the Ridgway Reservoir in August.

– Small Mouth Bess

Ability to pitch and putt linked to diet and happiness

(Cedaredge) Success at the often dreaded short game separates golfers and dictates handicaps more than long drives and powerful second shots off fairway woods say sports doctors across the country. Finesse with short irons and a sure-handed putter translate into lower scores more than 80% of the time.

In short, while it’s fun to blast one off the tee, patience and control around the green is the secret to playing under par. And it’s all linked to what one eats and the level of enjoyment that he maintains.

In addition life expectancy is higher for people who play golf for fun not for scores. Players out on the fairway who don’t take the whole challenge too seriously enjoy a natural high while benefitting from fresh air and good exercise. As one of my uncles advised me:

“Look in the middle of the fairway where you want your ball to have landed, and not in the rough or the lake where it most likely lies. Maybe you’ll get lucky and find another ball.”  – Michael O’Healy, vagabond esq.

In  the Rockies you are likely to see deer and elk grazing on the fine green grass but I’ve seen more mountain lions up close than I need. Bear don’t generally give a damn if you are there or not. Coyotes will run if you pull out a six iron. If local ducks make a racket when you go into your backswing don’t take it personally. They may not be laughing at you at all.

Be happy you’re not living in intolerant times: Puritans Banned Golf in 1648 because it was a foolish waste of time. It is silly, they asserted, and causes anxiety and the use of profanity in many cases. Golfers are known to dress funny and not in keeping with the modest fashions of a God-fearing gentleman*. The sport often causes light bouts of alcohol abuse.

Remember the 90-year-old local man hit in the forehead with a well-struck golf ball last year. Soon after he gave away all his money to the Marmot Protection League. Well. we are proud to report that he’s still belting the ball at 91 and appears happier than ever. Sadly, when he’s not on the course he spends his days drys burning irrigation ditches in 35 mph wind. He has been blamed for 6 range fires since April 20.

And if you think that’s whacked out: Play golf right from your car! The Links at Mogadishu DRIVE-IN. We’re open 7 days!

*women were not on the agenda for participation in many sports during the Calvinist heyday.

Satan defends policies in Gehenna

(The Nether Regions) Lucifer bolstered longstanding policies during the Annual State of the Abyss address but promised to look into surging complaints about freedom and living conditions.

Saying he fully endorsed the round-the-clock hip-hop blasting practices in the old folks sector “efforts were being made to introduce bad country music to the already flame-fanning menu. He then expressed concern that security leaks were becoming an issue and thanked those who had turned in their neighbors for violations or suspected espionage.

“Come Hell or high water spies from upstairs will not crack us,” he squealed from deep down in a high-pitched, shrill, unnerving pitch common to animals at the slaughterhouse.

In closing, Beelzebub told ‘guests” that the new billionaires wing almost completed and should be up and running in time for what he called The Gilded- Guillotine Age. He did not elaborate.

“Guests” in Hades most often complain of treatment by fallen angels, burnt food, no air-conditioning or fans and the cost of a bag of ice at the company store. Many say the only decent things to eat are apples but snakes guard them.

Hell’s half acre

Meanwhile in the capital city of Annwn, town tormenters have adopted Lucifer’s odd priorities. Today more than 400,000 forced laborers engaged in serious snow removal, industrial lawn watering and flood relief operations all over Hell’s Half Acre and back to their stinking shanties. Then they did it all over again.

Tartarus has come under international scrutiny of late due to the absence a viable policy on global warming.

“Hell’s bells, whispered a now calming red Devil, “this Inferno will not be pressured into any course of action by these humans, many of whom we will get to know quite well in the future.”

Reference: The All-Joking, All-Drunken Synod of Fools and Jesters

Checkpoints for Migrating Neanderthals Slated

(Montrose) Local police and Highway Patrol will begin conducting surveillance on yet another alien species this fall. Undisclosed, secret barriers, aimed at catching humans with high Neanderthal DNA, will grace major intersections, state crossings and even some international borders. Many humans retain higher levels of this recessive DNA and have been deemed a threat to the Republic. The legal limit is 0.12%.

Police hope that they can round up all these crossbreeds before they cause problems.

“We think many are terrorists or potentially disruptive forces since they claim allegiance to no particular country,” said one monitoring officer. “No, they aren’t from other planets or even Cro-Magnon in appearance, but they are different from us and that sends up a red flag in my department.”

When humans first migrated out of Africa to Eurasia 60,000 years ago they met their cousins the Neanderthals as well as Denisovans and interbred. The descendants of these often one night stand liaisons make up a majority of the human race. Now that Neanderthal man is thought to be completely extinct, scientists have attempted to isolate the carry-over gene and determine how much Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon has survived the centuries.

Already some 400 citizens have been detained due to high incidence of traits and characteristics common to our predecessors. Charges, if any, are pending.

Researchers have determined that there may be as many as 8 distinct hominid species currently roaming the earth. These groups exhibit varied intelligence quotients and abilities to function within the system. Since all of these creatures resemble each other, it is difficult to pinpoint what are often major distinctions.

“These discoveries go a long way toward explaining versatility and pecking orders,” said one scientist, “but fall short of offering solutions in the case of our more disadvantaged brothers and sisters.”

Persons detained and indicted could lose migratory privileges, pay large fines and face mandatory attendance at prescribed anthropology classes. Most are looking at a few days in jail to boot.

Dr. Pill in what he jokingly calls his Before and After portrait which hangs in his Colona office. Recent Neanderthal digs in the region have cast positive light on a man who gained international prominence by substantiating evidence that most dinosaurs were ass holes back in 1993.

A local archeologist, known only as Doctor Pill, says his research indicates that this entire approach is highly illogical since it is very likely that the wrong species may have survived.

“Neanderthals had bigger brains and were far more formidable than Homo Sapiens yet disappeared some 40,000 years ago, said Dr Pill, who recently unearthed a massive Neanderthal graveyard under the Super Wal-Mart on South Townsend Avenue.

“Maybe, had they outmaneuvered the other tribal entities, these Neanderthals would have done a better job taking care of their native planet and policing the place. After all they were never exposed to Puritanism and the constant waves of guilt that followed,” said the scientist.

Peaceful Morning in the Andes

Life is sweet at 8000 feet. Beautiful country above Jardin, Antioquia in the Andes. At peace – wishing the world the same.