All Entries Tagged With: "funny menu"

Congress OKs cardboard cutout attendance

(Freeze-dried files-Soggy Bottom) Putting off what many consider more pressing legislation the US Senate today passed a less than steadfast attendance bill allowing cardboard cutouts to replace Congressmen in the House and Senate chambers.

Dubbing the action a safety precaution in the face of Coronavirus-19, backers of the decree insist that elected officials should be deferred from showing up to a poorly ventilated room where, despite social distancing and regular testing, threatens the well-being of the nation’s leaders.

“It will also free up elected officials to campaign, schmooze with donors and have lunch with lobbyists,” said Marigold Finn, who has been employed as an organic gardener at the Capitol since 1979.

“Just because the temporary president eats his meals out of a cardboard box doesn’t mean we should all follow suit,” she said.

Cardboard cut-outs are cleaner, safer but even more irrelevant say detractors who call the move “slothful, loathsome and seriously misleading.”

Although procedurally questionable the edict looks certain to become law.

“It’s a matter of national security and besides baseball is doing it,” said a hoax-monger from the Great Midwest. “Now what could be more American than that?”

Critics called the move “cosmetic and toothless at best” slamming this emerging modus operandi as “another attempt to distract the public just as the Congress votes on another pay raise next week.

One billionaire politician from Georgia says she’s only in it for the glory…and the money…and the benefits.

“I am honored to serve my country,” she murmured. “I can just catch up with any missed governing on C-Spam. All we have to do is show up in a tie or nice dress every so often. What’s the rub? It’s all partisan voting anyway”.

 – Steely Headlands

Election commentary on the road

What will these Snowflakes think of next? This clever (and progressive) billboard concisely reminds voters of Donald Trump’s Russian collusion (Sickle and Hammer anyone?) while lauding the benefits of a Pro-Choice platform. What a refreshing commentary. Even the Statue of Liberty, still the hope of refugees everywhere, looks to be cracking little smile. (Toole Photo Service)

Massive Libido Detected Near Alpha-Omega

(Gunnison) Researchers here have discovered what they believe to be a giant libido floating merrily along in confined space reserved for other previously unknown, non-luminous bodies. The celestial patterns, of exotic non-baryonic form (stars and hot gas), not only dominate the charts but are growing each day at a rate beyond human comprehension.

At present the libido, unlike rogue meteors, ozone debris and haughty elliptical solar systems, poses no threat to the earth. Some conspiracy theorists insist the meteor is hovering nearby until it can determine the status of Covid-19 on earth.

The mass, within the optical radius of known galaxies, yields a non-dynamical estimate for density and powerful gravitational force. Measurements of disc rotation curves out to this optical radius, taken from earth, show a completely different universe with clusters of libido matter. It is not clear whether these clusters have had sufficient time to properly digest the virulence common to their internal motion.

“In layman’s terms this means we have been invaded by a potent dose of energy from what we like to call the pleasure zone,” said Alfalfa Romeo, senior analyst at Western State Colorado University. “We have been watching the libido form for three years but until now we did not know what to make of it. Photos sent back to our laboratory indicate the colonization of other star patterns by the encroaching libido which translates as a love/hate, hostile takeover.”

Romeo would not say what this presence might do to the billions of libidos now operating on the earth or how earthly preachers might rationalize the presence of other-worldly reality within the parameters of their own tired religious philosophies.

“Whether the mass will serve as an energizer port for human instinctual and biological drive is not known but I’m sure as hell going out on Friday. Most of us here feel that the manifestation of sexual drive will be most apparent at street level,” he explained. “Not much has changed yet. People still seem friskier on Saturday night than Monday morning.”

Intense gravitational attraction coupled with animal instinct could translate into less inhibited social encounters all over the planet. Behavioral standards might be lowered as population increases and pressure gradients explode. People will still flirt despite health concerns and social distancing.

“We know that when a large star has burnt all its fuel it explodes into a supernova. What is left collapses down to a dense object known as a neutron star,” continued Romeo. “We have seen these objects with the telescope and observe linkage reaction on earth and in Grand Junction.”

Scientists have longed believed that the effects of heavenly bodies can be observed immediately within a control group. The moon has a strong influence on the sea while the sun dictates temperature and light patterns. This latter theory, called the Halter-Top Postulate, helps explain increased animal attraction in the spring and why people are in such a rush to get married in June.

“That’s one reason that the level of most libidos rises after dark,” smiled Romeo, a former Uruguayan race car driver with a reputation as a bit of a rascal. “If libidos are pulled by the remarkable gravitational force it may reduce the need for small talk, you know, when boy meets girl.”

Reluctant to share data with government over fears that puritans may attempt to have the libido shot down, researchers remain at odds with military intelligence teams from Malta to Manchuria.

Scientists at Chile’s Observatorio Cerro Paranal near Antofagasta, which boasts the most powerful optical array on the planet, say they have been tracking the libido since 2018 but thought it was only the camanchaca (ocean fog along the desert coastline) playing tricks with our eyes. The barrels of pisco (potent brandy made from distilled grapes) weren’t helping with intricate calculations either, according to a one scientist.

“We already have giant libidos here in South America and didn’t realize that the gringos would be making such a big deal out of what is normal. We just continued to watch the formation of the libido, minus the cosmic strings. We can’t understand what our neighbors to the north are getting all worked up about. The libido is up there and we’re down here. We’re not going to worry about why. It’s a Latino thing.” 

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Solitaire Legend to Host Workshop

(Montrose)  A complimentary clinic conducted by solitaire great Pinky Diamond and sponsored by the Laser State Continuing Education Department will be held at the Montrose Pavilion on Tuesday, August 25 according to the Uncompahgre Lonely Hearts Club. The program, open to the public, will consist of seminars, an autograph session and footage of classic matches covering Diamond’s 48 years in solitaire.

A second session will be held at the Daughters of the American Rationalization Hall in Manana which will be invitation only and presented in conjunction with a cocktail reception and marginal dining experience.

“This may break the stranglehold that bingo has had on this community since World War I,” said Ginn Rooney, a one-armed blackjack dealer and highly recognized authority on parlor games that is credited with the invention of the poker chip in 1932. Rooney recently moved to Montrose from Las Vegas for the nightlife.

Once the second-ranked solitaire player in the world, Diamond reportedly mastered the demanding game on long, cold nights while working as a sheepherder on California Mesa in the 50s. In 2001 he  retired from professional solitaire to pursue a doomed career as a Tango singer in 2013. These days Diamond raises miniature emus on his 10,000-acre ranch high above Colona and where he still plays cards.

“We’re real lucky to have him in town,” said Rooney, who will perform card tricks until someone has a better idea of how to spend the evening. We’re actually neighbors up near Buckhorn. He’s a lot more fun than those surfers that used to live up here,” she said.

“He’s not used to playing solitaire in front of all these people,” smiled Rooney. “We hope he won’t let the crowd rattle him at tense moments of play.”

A native of Iceland, he changed his show name from Avril Balboa Bergstol to Pinky Diamond at the end of the Spanish Civil War. After that he enjoyed great success coaching and now has embraced organic education. Most recently he has gained attention for his failed efforts to convince livestock as to the benefits of Daylight Savings Time.

“We fervently hope solitaire will gain the attention much deserved in the arena of international sport and recreation here on a local level,” quipped Rooney. “It may be the last chance we get to bring quality entertainment to the provinces.”   

– Pepper Salte   

Uncompahgre a Ute Hippie Word?

The Uncompahgre Valley in summer. Long-held views claim that the often difficult word Uncompahgre means bitter water, although recent idiomatic research suggests otherwise. Thousands of Ute Hippies once roamed these mountains back before the white folks and the mad work ethic showed up in the 1870s. Living in teepees, hunting with horses and dancing around campfires, the Ute Nation had a language distinct from most Rocky Mountain tribes favoring a dialect spoken by the Aztec Hippies. Young Ute warriors were much influenced by Apache punk bands and considered the Navajo to be “weak-kneed posers” according to the scant evidence that exists. Uncompahgre also relates to the feeling of well-being derive from thermal soaks and horse racing.

GOP Bad Tippers

Despite billions raised for Trump re-election campaign Republicans bad tippers say servers in DC.

Ten percent is almost unheard of, unless the benevolent patrons are drunk or they are trying to impress. They usually pick up the tab in the spotlight then leave little or nothing for the service. The actions are often embarrassing even to their often-flawed children, who too are instructed in the fine art of knife and fork elitism and condescending treatment of wait personnel.

“Where on this menu does it instruct or even remotely suggest I leave money under my saucer?” asked one representative from way out of town. “Leaving money on the table is so crude, so gauche.

“Then on top of it all these self-absorbed twits want separate checks. It’s an endemic infection within the elected species,” chimed in a waitperson from Foggy Bottom. “These are the kind that would pick up a dime off the men’s room floor and immediately bite it to see if it’s made from real silver.”

Social scientists conclude that the tightfisted behavior originated in the governing chambers where Republican congressmen vote to give that legislative body systematic raises, but stop short of supporting an increase in the minimum wage, fair housing postulates and programs for the poor.

“It’s not about the money. It’s about control,” said one Baltimore sociologist. “We see a combination of hoarding and stinginess with a big scoop of privilege (white or other primary colors).  It’s as if they think they are getting one over on the waitperson by not leaving even minimal gratuity.”

Others suffer from Andrew Carnegie Syndrome where they feel compelled to throw a few patriarchal scraps to their underlings just as long as they fully understand the pecking order, avert their gaze, bow their heads and keep to their place.

“Imagine spending less than one percent of your earnings and having them build statues in your honor,” laughed a bartender from Petworth. “That’s a pretty good return on the legacy dollar.”

And of course there are the politicians from simpleton backwaters who just don’t comprehend  the concept of tipping. Here are some curious, though common responses of Republicans when asked what they think of sharing a tip or any perquisites related to dining out:

1. “They get too much already.”

2. “Paying for the food is enough. The service is an expected duty not an add on after the final burp.”

3. “Every sitting member of Congress gets by without tips. Why can’t they?”

4. “Jesus never tipped, even at the Last Supper. It says so in the Bible.”

5. “I’ve seen the restaurant types, these foodie hipsters, these six-top vagabonds in action. They’ll just use the money for drugs.”

Many eateries in the nation’s capital have refused service to GOP patrons and promise to continue to boycott them until they develop a little heart. Landmark restaurants say are still uncertain of what action to take if any, since most don’t expect the Republican Party to survive much past November anyway.

– Kashmir Horseshoe