All Entries Tagged With: "funny menu"
Colona Home Owners Annual Postponed
(Buckhorn Heights) The first annual Members Meeting of the Colona Home Owners Association was abruptly cancelled Saturday after no one showed up at the Colona Schoolhouse. The scheduled gathering, aimed at drawing up a binding charter and pass a slew of ordinances that no one would obey was rescheduled for March of 2022.
The previous Home Owners assembly, held way back in 1982, recorded no old business and there was no new business slated for the called off session this year.
“We’re all about community here,” said one participant that didn’t participate, “which is defined as live as let live and minding one’s own business,”
County and state sources contend that the Colona Homeowners Association does not possess the proper licensing and is therefore null and void.
“In our eyes it is a rogue organization with no clear plan for the future much less the past and present,” continued the source.
Meanwhile rumors are flying as to a military occupation of the town until a leadership hierarchy can be established and rascals residing there can be brought to heel.
-Suzie Compost
“Donald Trump doesn’t know beans about the Bible,”
– Rev D.K. Goya Freshaire
The Mistake in its wake?
Thanks to Rex Bishop for highlighting & elevating, our American cultural experience
OURAY BEAR WATCHING FULL TIME AFFAIR
(Carne Canyon) The bear came over the mountain. Then another, and more. Soon, as the autumn arrived in the San Juans it became apparent that garbage bins, dog food dishes and apple trees were the main attraction. In September an evening walk would likely result in a sighting of another hungry, generally docile, beast on his way to dinner. In October the bears are still out on the town inducing residents to wonder when and if the animals would ever go to sleep.
Take a walk on the wild side…After dark in Ouray one is more likely to see a bear than another human, well almost. In an attempt to review these entertaining occurrences we have collected the more colorful accounts herein. Let us appreciate and not judge the mighty bear. You try feeding a family of porky 300-pounders on roots and berries.
Carpe
“At just about dark on September 23 I went out to check on a splashing sound in my hot tub only to discover a large bear soaking. I went back into the house for my camera but when I returned he had vacated the premises. I only hoped he had not gone into the woods to recruit more hairy party animals. All he left behind was a badly worn towel.”
– W. Sammy Carpe, Whispering Blazes
Pitt
“One evening after drill in late September my wife, Gwen, and I were sipping on our fourth and close to final gin and bitters when a small cub wandered right into the yard and pushed over the Weber. Before I could day Jack Spratt he gobbled up two tenderloins and was off. Fortunately he didn’t get the Yorkshire pudding, or our pet Yorkie for that matter. Nonetheless dinner was ruined, Duckett’s had closed for the day and we were forced to subsist on head cheese till morning.”
– Colonel Abshite Pitt, 2nd or 3rd Street, Manana
“It was the middle of the night. I heard a crash in the kitchen. When I got up I saw a large hairy beast at the sink eating salami. I figured it was my husband, Earl, in his black silk karate robe. I went back to sleep. In the morning I awoke to quite a mess and remembered that Earl had been away on business in Colona the previous evening. What an experience!”
– Madalaine Crab-Leggit, Madonna Creek
Leggit
“It was almost dawn on October 2. I went out for my daily ritual of checking my marijuana plants only to find a mature male bear eating them. I clanged a few pans together to scare him off but only when I fired off my sidearm did him scram. The damage was done. It looks like I’ll have to survive on cheap whiskey all winter.”
– Gloria Minske, no address given
Minsk – third from left during a political rally at Mar de Lard.
“It was broad daylight. I was on my way out of the post office when three adolescent bears approached me demanding spare change. Looking around I realized I had no backup so I handed each of them a dollar. Later I received an unfair lecture from the game warden. Three bucks is better than the alternative.”
Elochs with his two daughters
– Walter Gold Elochs, Camp Bird Road
“I had been to the dinner at a friends’ one night and decided not to drive home. I went to lock my pickup only to discover a sow sitting behind the wheel. I just kept walking, making a mental note to stay off the Campari and to roll up the windows of my truck from now on.”
Bruin
– Sly Kodiak, DallasTrail Estates
“I don’t want to talk about it. I’m scared of bears.
– Suga Bruin, Dallas, TX
Denied political prisoner status, this
innocent enough young black bear
awaits transport to a reservation in Utah.
These eye-witness chronicles represent only a fraction of the bear sightings in Ouray this fall. Do you have one to share? E-Mail us at uncompahgre@bearscat.com.
Trump Admits Series of Failures in First Term
In a departure from previous disclosures the president confirms
a few of the dangling annoyances of the past four years.
Got real fat
They still like Obama better
Impeachment was like another bankruptcy only public
Hair and tan aren’t fooling anyone
Couldn’t even legally beat Hillary Clinton
“A Little Common Sense” with Molly Miracle
Keeping flies* out by closing windows
With fly season upon us any of my readers have asked me how I maintain such a beautiful, obsessive- compulsive fly-free domicile. Well it’s easy if you just follow the basic instructions taped or stenciled on the bottom of your Federal ID Number.
Flies, like humans are attracted to food. Therefore it makes sense to cut off their access to the loot or their primeval passing zones, which often materialize as doors and windows. Many people use screens or other protective devices. Others simply close the openings or obstructions.
Flies and other insects operate on instinct. Their behavior is swiftly manifested on daily survival that could land right on top of your potato salad or fresh-baked cherry pie. Show them that a rational being can outwit them by the employment of simple reason.
*and most other insects
