All Entries Tagged With: "elk"
Turkeys Off Radar
(El Lay) The nation’s turkey population appear to have retreated underground, joining remnants of elk and several hundred defiant Snickers candy bars. These two groups remain in hiding even though the dangerous fall seasons have concluded.
Hunting season and Halloween, while popular with people is often stressful and detrimental for herd and chocolate victims. Thanksgiving, one dimensional and aimed right smack at foolish birds with a few hams thrown in, is clearly genocide according to poultry rights groups here.
Meanwhile Tom Avenue is empty and generally off the grid and the vibrant turkey lounges on Giblet Alley are now dark and quiet.
Local liberals, guilty over the treatment of all three groups have attempted to coax the candy bars and elk from their redoubts but with limited success.
On a high note, Hibernation ’21 has been heralded a “breakthrough success” by the local chamber of commerce and several church groups that often pass the hat at dusk.
-Fred Zeppelin
Elk Extend Contract Through ’35
(Lake City) Local Wapiti have agreed to what many here see as a lucrative contract, insuring continued interaction with humans through 2035. Whether this agreement will apply to the herds over Cinnamon Pass, near Silverton remains in issue due to stronger unions, the price of beef and sensitive highway clauses in San Juan County.
By endorsing the offer the elk agree to show up in meadows in the morning, bugle when appropriate and run from hunters in the fall. In return they will be allowed to roam mountain towns day or night and keep their racks in velvet for the summer.
The agreement will reportedly net the elk over $3.8 million over just less than two years, with bonuses and incentives.
In Silverton, local elk are still refusing to stay off the highways at night and remain unhappy with restrictions on endorsements put on them by the county. That, according to inside negotiators, is the hold-up.
“We need the elk so as to preserve a healthy eco-system,” said one local attorney representing the animals. “If Silverton does not comply what’s keeping the herds from relocating to Hinsdale County?”
He said nothing of burgeoning moose herds who refuse to do even the slightest amount of work around the region.
Meanwhile, Silverton has other fish to fry due to the continued absence of the proverbial ground hog from the scene. The hole dwelling rodent, who was supposed to make an appearance in early February is still nowhere to be seen.
“We think he must of frozen his arse off and could not make his appointment,” suggested some men over at the bar. “We’re all looking forward to February to see if he comes back.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
