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Fish found in drinking water

(Ridgway) Trout, kokanee and other suspicious species of fish have been discovered in the town’s drinking water sending shock waves all the way to Denver. The intruders, some up to an arm’s length, have apparently called the pond home since railroad days.

     “This is really nothing to worry about,” said one town planner. “Fish belong in water. That’s where they live.”

     Despite continued reassurances, town crews were seen on the shore netting and chumming away this afternoon. Apprehended fish are to be detained at the local second hand shop where they will be sold to consumers. Other seized aquatic vertebrates are expected to remain incarcerated in cold storage until suitable homes can be found or relocation procedures are adapted at the highest levels of town gov’ment.

     “If the state finds out we are harboring fish in our water supply we could lose funding for water purification,” said one planner. “Then we’d all be forced to drink gin.”

     Many residents fear contamination of the water due to the curious fish population that has taken up residency. Some fear that fish could flow from the tap or clog pipes causing freezing on colder nights.

     “Ick,” said one newly arrived transient from San Miguel County. “To think I’ve been drinking this water with those slimy fish swimming around in it!”

     Although fish are quite normal in ponds such as this, the town has taken progressive, quantitative steps to rid the water of visitors of all types.

     “We’ve considered boiling the town’s drinking water after we catch all the fish that live in it,” explained another planner. “That approach is being discussed as well as a plan to move the schools to strategic ponds in order to minimize the influence of radical fish believed to be moving freely within the general population.

     “Our efforts in no way impose a threat to friendly fish or other species caught up in this recent disclosure,” continued the town source. “Fish that cooperate with the investigation have nothing to fear.”

     Meanwhile bait sales have skyrocketed as vigilante groups, fearful of an end to the status quo here, have begun dropping lines from Blue Lakes to Cow Creek. Many volunteer anglers have converged on Ridgway Reservoir yesterday to show solidarity with the Lake Trout believed to be hiding there.

     “We appreciate their concern,” said the planner, “but that water is consumed down valley in Montrose and Delta and does not affect our situation. Those communities have their own issues to deal with and the comings and goings of fish are not a high priority at this time.” – Small Mouth Bess

“Your knights appear yo be quite dazed.”  – Joan of Arc