All Entries Tagged With: "dining out"

Pandemic sanity in a bottle

We may still be stranded in the Colombian Andes but we’ve made some wonderful friends along the way. The finest rum on the planet keeps everyone pretty mellow. The demanding daily consumption quota for residents of Jardin has been established by official government decree. Rumor has it that number will go up with the discovery of 200 more cases of 8-year-old Ron Caldas hidden under the historic cathedral for a special occasion. (Photo by David Mullings)

This formula proves that masks work in controlling elements of the virus

If some of our countrymen still don’t get the picture take a few moments to show them this. They won’t get it but it might frighten them into wearing protection.

Monarch sponsors gravity seminar

The Tenth Royal Monarch Ski Legion will sponsor a Gravity Seminar on Wednesday, July 8, for people who believe in that sort of thing. The morning presentation is meant to bring attention to the “perils, plights and pitfalls” of summer skiing in dry and paltry conditions while the afternoon sessions will focus on the dangers inherent in falling from heights any time of the year.

“We must educate our following to the as to the risks of injury while skiing during daylight hours and on the hazards of driving around at night, even if you are caucasian,” said Wyreen “Poles” Ackerman, PhD, BFD, LSMFT, the academic credited with coordinating the lectures which are expected to raise more than $50 for charity.

Not to be confused with gravy, gravity is defined as the natural phenomenon of attraction between massive bodies. The use of the word gravity to denote the seriousness of a situation or the solemnity of behavior could certainly be implied according to sources familiar with this kind of thing.

While many have attempted to thwart these physical laws, few have succeeded. The date for the seminar is appropriate in that it is the last day of summer ski season, as we know it. Flat Earth snowboarders will not be admitted until after the baby shower exhibit is retired for lunch. No capes, feathers or oversized umbrellas will be permitted on the grounds during the colloquium.

Next Seminar “How Do Airplanes Stay Up in the Sky?” is slated for August 13. Bring a covered fish. No Irish.

Nuns Have Nuclear Weapons

(Santa Fe) In a shocking disclosure the U.N. Atomic Energy Commission today confirmed rumblings that a remote sect of Catholic nuns has developed nuclear weapons and is working on a sophisticated system of delivery.

The Little Sisters of Hopeless Causes, a cloistered order located in a secret compound in Northern New Mexico, has allegedly isolated a source for plutonium and has conducted extensive tests with live warheads says the world body. Although no direct threats have been made it is surmised that the sisters will use the weapons as educational aids in lieu of ruler slaps on the palms, ear locks and bat kneeling, effective methods held over from the Spanish Inquisition.

In an anonymous letter, with perfect punctuation and penmanship, a group calling itself Nuns With Nukes, not only admitted to possessing the warheads but taunted incorrigibles around the world to “step up to the plate” if they didn’t like it.

“We have a right to defend ourselves from sectarians, anarchists, atheists and especially students who can’t sit still in class,” said one sister. “We are putting these disruptive elements on notice: Straighten out or else!”

The news, which understandably has students at Catholic schools in a heightened state of anxiety, was met with alarm by religious leaders all over the world.

“These sisters still wield a lot of power behind the scenes,” said a Papal spokesperson. “Even the Pope doesn’t know what to do with them when they get in this state.”

At press time negotiators are attempting to convince the more moderate elements of Nuns With Nukes to give up their weapons in return for a shot at the priesthood.

– Sir Otis of Liver

“There is absolutely nothing wrong with this country and therefore nothing to fix. So, if elected I’m just gonna sit on my butt, collect a nice paycheck, utilize the great health care and enjoy life at the top. Then I’ll start collecting my well deserved pension.”    

– Big “Johnny” Ladron, candidate for the House of Reprehensibles

2020 Elections to be Decided by Penalty Kicks

MULE DEER TIME PREFERRED IN EARLY PROGNOSIS

(Denver) Colorado’s vulnerable ballot boxes will get an extra boost in November with the announcement that most state and federal races will be settled by penalty kicks. Although the final details are far from ironed out, it is painfully clear that close contests will no longer tolerate runoffs that leaders say are particularly susceptible to fraud and miscounts.

“We expect that registered voters will embrace this approach that is quick, colorful, efficient and far less costly than countless hours of secondary campaigning and courtroom drama,” said Polly Svencensus of Centennial Freedom, a highly respected environmental action committee with strong ties to the petroleum lobby.

It was not clear if the new arrangement would dictate final results only in close races or be applied to all political entanglements that often arise when polling places are in the spotlight.

Also new for 2020 is the expansion of mulligans for voters who regret inattentive voting in past elections. According to early appraisals every registered tally will qualify for this extra shot without penalty when individual ballot markers can show ample knowledge of the issues and candidates.

“Bozos who vote without doing their homework will not qualify for the mulligans and could face putter’s remorse, a fairway station yet to be determined,” said Svencensus.

In a related story, media giants in the Mile High City are projecting that Colorado voters will approve Referendum Spring Forward, which proposes Mule Deer Time as a permanent replacement for Daylight Savings Time in locations over 6,000 feet. A bevy of polls indicates that the amendment is favored by more than 3 – 1 and will likely pass into law in January.

-Small Mouth Bess

Summer Reeding Program Loses Grant

(Ouray) The much heralded Summer Reeding Program, popular here since the early 70s, has apparently lost funding for 2021 according to The Bureau of Promotional Education and Diversion. The 1/2 day sessions have been aimed at creating an interest in recreational reading among children in the town.

“They just missed the boat,” said one official from BPED, “and besides 50% of our budget has been sucked up by the Pentagon.”

“By the time this is over the young man will be sorry not only that he entered politics but that he ever learned to fly.” –  Franklin D. Roosevelt when told that Charles A Lindbergh could be the possible Republican opponent for president in 1940.