All Entries Tagged With: "dining out"

Colombian town reopens carefully

Speed and siestas are still in vogue in this delightful Antioquian village. The experiment: El Jardin is in the process of opening back up after more than two months of strict lockdown. Leaders here say they will keep a close watch on the health of residents and decide on which way to go with the tourist industry.

WHAT IF THE MILK TRUCK HAD WON?

While rummaging through negative archives the other afternoon we came upon the following article in the Munchener Post  January 26, 1920:

Decorated World War I Veteran Miraculously Survives Head-On with Milk Truck

(Munich, Germany) An Austrian man, Adolph Hitler, 31, miraculously survived a head-on collision with a speeding ice cream truck on Bundesautebahn-Arbeitsschlacht  Street in downtown Munich this afternoon.

Herr Hitler, who was on foot at the time of the accident, was taken to a local hospital and released within the hour with a mild headache.

The driver of the milk truck was uninjured and cited for reckless driving and attempted genocide.

Bystanders agreed that it was astonishing for a human to survive such a blow. “He should have been killed,” said one woman.

“Astonishing!” said another, according to the Wienermarct Journal, reporting the incident from Vienna.

VENUS SAYS ASTRONAUTS REACHED OUT INAPPROPRIATELY

(Pluto) Venus says she was indecently touched by astronauts “reaching out” back in 1997. In what she now calls the Estrella Inquisition, Venus claims to have been relaxing on her porch when two men from another galaxy joined her and began to close in with affectionate gestures. Being a proper woman she decided to flee into a safe corner of the Universe.

Why she waited all his time to come forward was not discussed at the time the law suit was filed. Lawyers for Venus say it was a clear case of sexual harassment back then and sexual assault by today’s measuring stick.

Despite the fact that the crime occurred long before the statute of limitations they say they will bring the matter before a court of law “due to the grievance and potential explosive reactions by civil rights groups and Greek and Roman gods”.

A spokesman for the Brotherhood of Space Wanderers told reporters the accusations were ridiculous and that Venus is just trying to blackmail his group and NASA as well.

“What can you expect from a woman who poses in her birthday suit on a scallop shell?” he asked.

Meanwhile Venus remains out of the public view as she has for centuries. Her lawyers did not return our phone calls Friday.

– Tommy Middlefinger

The Good Old Days For Some

I heard a man in Ridgway talking about the good old days and how he wished we could go back to living that way. After his short sermon on the subject another man reminded him about the institutional inequality practiced against women, Blacks and Latinos prevalent in those years.  The exchange cried out for a clear picture that neither of the men could produce since both were born 40 years ago and had never experienced “knowing one’s place”, “colored only” drinking fountains or the belief that all of Latin America was like Tijuana.

It was pretty good duty if you’re a white male in America in the Fifties and Sixties. And now they’re asking you to show a little remorse because some Black people have been treated like shit for 400 years? C’mon.

The conversation grew heated but finally embraced comic relief with reference to Andy of Mayberry and how Sheriff Taylor might have reacted to these recent murders or even how he or Barney Fife would have handled such an incident.

Jim Crow Laws were alive and well in beautiful Mayberry. Gomer was white, Guber was white, Aunt Bea and Opie were white. Even Floyd the Barber (no reaction to George Floyd) was white. At the time that was how things on TV were presented. One never saw a Black person on the street in Mayberry that I can remember. It can be easily argued that if A Black person was about he would be chaperoned by a slew of stereotypes. Nice and white.

Would the North Carolina National Guard have been called if the Blacks rioted or would the good citizens of nearby Mount Pilot have come to the rescue and helped neutralize the perpetrators. Would there have been lynchings?

George Floyd is not a hero. It muddies the issues. Cops are supposed to act like protectors not as racist thugs. Look to your own community. Do you have law enforcers or peace officers? How do you feel about the militarization of the cops over the last two decades?

There is really no crystal clear black and white when it comes to most topics yet impregnable opinions are usually formed in that half-light.

If we plan to survive as a society a level playing field is needed for all from birth to death. That is not what is happening. Right now some vital questions just do not have viable answers.

Newswriting Contest #611

You think it’s easy writing this crap?

We’ve already written several stunning headlines.

Now all you have to do is write the accompanying stories.

Choose at least four headlines and write a short news story for each:

Missing woman found in backyard, escapes to front porch. Police baffled (subhead).

Dogs take matters into own paws. Angry over leash laws and kowtowing.

Local man discovered at other end of the broom

Many in Arizona frightened of cactus

Colorado Springs forges ahead with laundromat-library concept

Nuggets may return to short shorts before long

Colona Open puts pressure on closed services

Venison chewing gum approved by FDA

Silverton man nabbed in Eureka spy triangle

Your news accounts must avoid capitalizing on cheap jingles, misdirected sayings,

puffed up warnings, wives’ tales, and bothersome superstitions.

First Prize:

Win free tuition Famous Newspaper Writing School: ($250,000 value)

with unbelievable giveaway of Superior Lesson (for example):

Composing your own funny obituary

& How to safely interview breakfast meat

Taliban Buying Pickups

(Silverton) Representatives of the outlawed Taliban will be in town this week purchasing small pickups used in their military operations in Afghanistan and Pakistan. The militant Islamic sect reportedly goes through 200 of these vehicles per month due to military action and general deterioration due to rough roads, harsh climates and driver abuse.

Taliban movements, thought to be limited to South Asia, were neither confirmed nor denied by local authorities. Persons wishing to sell vehicles are advised that this is considered treasonous and that all transactions are cash only.

Many locals here say they figure drones (unmanned missiles) will get most of the trucks once they arrive in Afghanistan.

“I don’t see anything wrong with selling a lemon to these bastards,” said one woman, “besides I need the money for firewood.”

The Taliban are expected in Ouray on Friday and in Paonia on Saturday unless they are intercepted and blown up by U.S. Coast Guard. A bounty of $500 has been placed on the assembled heads of these desperate assassins who say they snuck into the country on an illegal Barnacle Cruise last week.

“They are especially interested in Nissans and Hondas and they appear willing to deal for parts,” said the source. “They are avoiding larger models such as Explorers, Tahoes, Yukons and Hummers since they associate these large SUVs with Born Agains.”

According to one rather talkative Taliban, dressed in a loud, plaid burka, “Mohammed, or even Jesus would not have driven one of these opulent chariots and neither shall we.”

– Alfalfa Romero