All Entries Tagged With: "Crested Butte"

Ice Fishermen Glimpse Rare One-legged Iola Mackinaw

(Venison, CO) Although quite relaxing and lucrative, ice fishing in the frigid air and winter sun requires serious preparation. But no one was prepared for what they saw at Blue Mesa last Tuesday.

At about noon, just as the ice was sweating and the sky was calm a long-thought extinct one-legged mackinaw (unos tripodes tructos) was viewed bobbing in the shallow water at the east end of the lake. Pursued by anglers in boats and along the shore, the mackinaw emerged again in the river then disappeared into the deep inlet leaving fishermen holding their hooks.

Biologists think this rare lake trout evolved as an amphibian in the harsh climate of Gunnison County. Notice the stiff posture and limited leg capacity thought to have developed due to social ties and the presence of hungry raptors in the region.

“We’ve seen the magnificent gifts of nature materialize out of thin air before,” said Treble Bagre, an avid fisherman and outdoorsman, “but this was really special. “Now every time I put my auger to the ice I’ll be wondering who or what I might meet next.”

Why this particular species evolved in such a wasteful way is still a mystery. As most people know fish do not generally have proper legs since they don’t need them to get around. The appearance of healthy one-legged mackinaw sent shock waves through the local cold-blooded vertebrate community and left fishermen wondering what else might reside in the frozen depths of Blue Mesa.

“The creature seemed intent on diving in the river and got on pretty well despite suffering from what looked like a slight limp,” added Bagre. I only saw it for an instant. It was gray-blue in color, bigger than my pickup and had eyes on both sides of its head. I thought I’d met Moby Dick!”

State biologists, while not discounting the sighting, say the fish probably migrated from over to Colorado in so many streams and creeks from the Green River in Utah, where one-legged fish are more plentiful. They were quick to point out that fish don’t limp.

“There was enough meat on that plankton muncher to feed Hinsdale County for Fourth of July Weekend,” said Bagre. Our challenge would be to haul that monster across the raging Cebolla without it repatriating.”

Woodsmen are warned no to confuse the one-legged Makinaw with other hairless and less gimpy fish like perch and pike that frequent these waters.                     – Conor Sturgeon

“How sad it is to think of the multitudes who have gone to their graves in this beautiful island and never knew there was a hell.” – Mark Twain on the horrors facing the pagan population of Hawaii, 1866.

Vladimir and Putin agree to power sharing

(St. Petersburg) In what some consider a shocking twist, both Vladimir and Putin have initiated a process aimed at allocation of sovereignty within the Russian state.

Mr. Vladimir

The schematic for transfer and cooperation between the two former rivals includes a step-by-step shift to a coalition government controlled by the two men. It is surmised that the former Soviet system will remain in place.

“Double agent tactics and diluted arms races be damned. We finally have a stable government west of the Urals,” said a party mouthpiece.

Mr. Putin

“Call it what you will but it is still a government reminiscent of the Cold War potato heads and infused with former KGB agents,” said one political opponent currently recovering from an alleged poisoning attempt last October.

In a related statement the Kremlin vehemently denied rumors that the two leaders would appear as World Wrestling Federation combatants joining an assortment of Trump family standouts in that capacity.

-Conor Sturgeon

Smart Phones Not Helping Says Study

(Palo Abajo) The wide use of what the communications industry calls Smart Phones has not resulted in an increase in intelligence according to Mensa, the high IQ society that often monitors cerebral behavior patterns.

According to the most recent study the use of the Smart Phone has resulted in the marginal loss and de-evolution of applied logic, the quasi-disappearance of social exchange and sometimes lower test scores among the control groups engaged. These interface maladies are becoming more and more common and threaten to disrupt the onion cart in the very near future.

The institute did not elaborate further.

Missing Mule Deer Program Nixed

(Manana) A fledgling search effort aimed at locating and returning lost or runaway mule deer to their homes has been scrapped after only two seasons. The well-financed plan ended without fanfare after biological social workers failed to impact the status of so much as one of the forlorn.

In its defense, the recovery strategy was hampered by savior syndrome with a side of pettiness. Like many upstart directions the program seemed more about pecking order and hierarchy than desperate mule deer. After a few months insiders were asking whether anyone was taking the matter seriously at all.

Now most of the sensitive date is stored in sugar beet crates in an unmarked basement office of some grandiose cathedral to implied democracy.

Many good Samaritans, working overtime, say the problem lies within familiarity in that every mule deer looks the same.

“There are large and small, fat and lean, young and old but basically they all have that same stupid look on their face,” said Alana Jardin, an animal behaviorist on loan from Colombia. “We used to have deer problems too but in 1600 we relaxed our hunting restrictions and allowed the second generation of Conquistadors to “have at it”. Clearly after 400 years there are almost no deer and almost no deer to locate or recover,” she said.

“Flank ‘em,” says Antler Tom Gilhooley, who favors putting a mule deer in charge of the entire investigation. “Contending that all mule deer look the same is the most ignorant, bigoted, sexist, even polarizing statement I have ever heard. I intend to go home, tune up my Martin, and write a country song about it.”

-Tommy Middlefinger 

Clothes Closet to Cold Storage in Minutes

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“I turned my home’s frigid back closet into a meat locker and now pocket up to $300 a month in storage fees. See how you can too! Just install a thermostat, add a few hooks and fixtures and start your new bank account. It’s easy and fun for the whole family. Now we even pay our monthly cell phone/direct TV bill on time, the dogs eat quality kibble on the weekends and I have money left over to play the Lottery.”

– John Perch, Buckeye Lake

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Children’s Advocacy PAC Slams Leftist Media

(Dayton, OH) A little know child-advocacy committee has criticized a host of former allies in what they call the irresponsible liberal media. The alleged charges, according to persons familiar with the case, will likely morph into a civil lawsuit with potentially embarrassing results for all parties concerned.

The legal action claims “associating personality traits of innocent four-year-olds with former president Donald Trump is libelous to children and borders on child abuse”.

Initiated on the grounds that children were unfairly “linked to abnormal behavior on the part of an adult” (Trump) the suit has expanded to include the bugaboo card (abuse claims) and seeks to clearly identify victims and perpetrators.

“Every time we hear the liberal media lambaste Trump as a four-year-old it casts negative light on millions of pre-school Americans,” said Betsy Devisive, one of hundreds of former Education Secretaries tied to our schools. “It’s unacceptable. It makes these kids look bad and must stop.”

Defenders of the comparison say they never meant to compare anyone to anyone else.

“What a spin these bastards put on everything,” said Stan Pureheart (D-Costa Rica). “Instead of understanding the expectations of maturity levels and putting the ball in play these critics refuse to see the patterns of behavior here. We are saying that Trump is a baby not that all four-year-olds need a spanking!”

One independent voice from the back of the room said: “Democrats should be happy they have the GOP across the aisle allowing them to escape the scrutiny of inaction and naked class privilege that has haunted our political institutions since Yorktown. The Republicans should be relieved that their adversaries have no plan and no teeth to go with that absent plan. Both parties have more in common with each other than with the average working American.

Sadly, when asked, most heel-digger supporters of Trump did not recognize the reference to Yorktown in this piece nor could they expound on any analogies made to The Reichstag. Since none carried maps of the world no further instruction was possible. Many called the question itself fake news and ranted on about Hillary’s emails.

Meanwhile mob violence in the United States has achieved great strides in entertaining its detractors all over the globe while strengthening anti-democratic dictatorships as agreed to in the Putin Doctrine, loosely disguised as a take-out Chinese menu, and signed into law by the Senate on Thursday.

– Finn McCool