All Entries Tagged With: "cowboys"
Cowboys and Cows: A Frightening Co-Dependency
with Dr. Carl Menudo BFD, LBJ, ASAP, LSMFT
The last cowpuncher I that visited my couch told me about his dreams where all the cows had disappeared. This poor bastard, who had worked as a wrangler all of his life often woke up in a cold sweat with the shakes. It was only after he peeked out of the bunkhouse window at the massive herd of Herefords outside, that he stopped moaning. Tough way to go. I prescribed a handful of barbiturates.
More and more we are finding that as society sidesteps nurturing personal relationships, these kinds of fear-fed dependencies are on the upswing. Little old ladies love their cats because they are the only ones around. Where are their worthless off-spring? They were always around for a hand-out before. Now they can’t get off work for a visit or their car broke down. Excuses. The list goes on. Little boys have pet snakes, little girls like fuzzy rabbits. Old men like their cigars. Sick.
Getting back to the cowpuncher’s problems we find that he is also neurotically attached to his hat. It’s the same hat he’s worn since 1963. First, does he know why the bandanna is a necessary part of the outfit on the range? Although we stop short of suggesting a business suit, we feel he would come a long way to drop the costume and wear a pair of bibs to work, or god-help-us, maybe a pair of shorts on a hot day. (Co-workers might be forced to don sunglasses to protect their eyes from the brightness of cowpuncher legs, unaccustomed to even the hint of sunlight ).
cowboy with a cow
The cows won’t notice and he might gain a certain sense of independence. It’s a damn good thing his boots wear out after a while or we’d have this fashion dependency to deal with as well.
Secondly, we prescribe a break from his regular diet of boiled potatoes and overcooked beef. Sure the plains Indians had a close relationship with the buffalo but they didn’t eat them. The buffalo never wore feathers either. Instead the Native Americans preferred rabbit, horse and fish dishes, especially bivalve mollusks like cockles and muscles. On the weekends they ate cod followed by a fine cigar. On holy days and times of sacrifice the existed only on fish strips and catfish made in Dutch ovens, stolen from the Indian Agency. But I’m getting away from our subject area…
Let’s not pretend to blame this whole mess on the cowboys.
Shall we wander out into the pasture and see what’s going down with the herd. Not too motivated for sure. They just stand around waiting for a cowperson to feed them or drive them somewhere. Branding is traumatic but they get over it. The burning off of horns and castration can’t be much fun but they survive. Freezing temperatures, high winds, the deaths of friends and relatives…they remain vigilant.
Why the cows can’t go out on their own and why the cowboy has become so attached to the herd, the way of life, is OK for a while but both must plan for the day when separation anxiety reaches its zenith. What if the cowboy has to buy a steak at the grocery and the cows are watching? What if the cows tried to fend for themselves without cowhide? Maybe everyone would benefit.
But today we watch helplessly as many of both species blend into one co-dependent unit unable to distinguish between working together and the chains of obsessive reliance.
LOCAL COWS STILL ON METRIC
Trouble in Paradise?
(Ridgway) Most readers are aware that back in April local bovines adopted the metric system and, since then the herds have been documenting and measuring sizes using that international standard. Unfortunately a problem exists in that cowboys still cling to the English system.
While the situation appears tolerable to the tinhorn, out here on the ranch the conflict grows with neither side willing to make concessions.
“When the cattle are in the pasture or the barn there’s really no operational problem,” said Dutch Butterfly, foreman of the X-Bar-None Ranch at Cow Creek. “It’s when we have to move the critters that the pies hit the fan.”
Butterfly added that branding and dehorning are also more difficult since the cows measure things one way and the cowboys another.
“It’s the same size brand and the same amount of horn we’re cutting off. It’s just lost in the translation,” he spat. “There’s enough to do trying to make a living out here without communication breakdowns.”
Actually it’s easy enough to convert from English to metric and back. For example: when changing miles to kilometers one simply multiplies the number of miles by the number of kilometers that make up one mile. When weighing hay stacks converting from pounds to kilograms is just as easy.
“These cows are generally a cooperative, but distant lot,” said Butterfly. “We don’t always know what they’re thinking out there chewing the cud and all. What’s gotten into them is hard to say but it all began when they went metric on us. Whenever anyone suggests they go back to the good old American measurement they start all that bawling and kicking and it’s just not worth the hassle.”
Butterfly said the spring roundup was a real mess in Ouray County with cows going one way and cowpunchers another. Feeding time became a struggle since daily allotments were subject to repeated question. Even water measurements got mixed up and had to be sorted out one cow at a time.
After two months of study the Western State University Math Department advised that, since the cows were mere livestock, it was up to the cowboys to adapt. That didn’t go down well either.
“Primates don’t kowtow to domestic herd animals,” said Butterfly. “It just ain’t right.”
Another veteran rancher, Slim Tinkleholland of Mill Creek, near Gunnison, told The Horseshoe that if cows were taught respect when they were still calves they wouldn’t get so uppity.
“Nobody here is belly-aching over bovine/heiffer desires to better themselves. It’s just that for centuries we’ve been a team and now they want to go and change a good thing,” he said. “The fact is that they are bred for meat and dairy and until that changes it’s the wrangler that’s boss.”
Tinkleholland reflected on a day last May when he and his ranch hands were moving a herd of cattle from Mill Creek to Jack’s Cabin.
“The head just didn’t know what the tail was doing,” he winced. When a cowboy hollered in inches the cows mooed in meters. At one point we feared that the dogs and horses would mutiny and adopt that damn metric count. By the time the afternoon was over we had Herefords spread from Almont to Baldwin. What a mess.”
– Small Mouth Bess
“The Dodgers are scared to death to come over the mountain and play some real baseball teams. We’d kick their asses.” – Western Slope resident, Melvin Arenado Toolski, 119, former baseball coach and body chemistry professor at Pine Beetle Institute.