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Put a lid on it

Rumors flying all about our mountain valleys are all false but some could be true. Most are the result of someone’s fantasies or fears and should be not taken as fact unless the real fasts are too painful and denial sets in. Sit quietly.

Many Colona Properties Still on Block

Sanctioned Russian oligarch did not buy Colona. If he were sanctioned how would he have raised the cash? What does this mean anyway? Is Colona sanctioned? All approval and threat aside could the rest of Ouray County sanction Colona if she wanted to move farther away from Highway 550 during the collective construction.

Roundabouts swallow up seven so far in ’23

(Montrose) Seven disappearances of local motorists have been blamed on what doctors call Roundabout Dysfunction “We have reached seven so far this year with four unaccounted for since June 15. Our most recent victim, Queen Antrappe, former runner-up beauty queen from El Cajon, was proceeding south at the popular Woodgate Roundabout on Thursday has reportedly resurfaced after going missing for over a week.

“I was on my way to Chicken Bay when this cattle truck cut me off – I don’t remember anything after that. Her cats Faith, Hope, and Charity, her constant companions who were traveling with Antrappe in the 2002 Corolla were recovered unharmed. Antrappe was cheated and released at a local pill dispensary and sent to Parlin for observation.

Summer Gunnison Manger scene brings out our worst 

Armed groups have gathered in apprehension of violence over the location of a summer manger scene. Past fairy tale controversies had limited themselves to December but now with mega churches and Jesus commercials on TV in-your-face religion is again center stage. 

“We can’t have these barbarian Bethlehem controversies again and certainly not at that holy time of the year. Do you realize that we cash out in December. It’s the most lucrative time in retail.” an anonymous Wise Man attending a symposium here entitled Just Who Was in the Manger? 

90% of the actors in the play were destitute migrant workers and most of the paltry livestock was already betrothed  by the Year 1. Yet the guests of honor ascended their inherited paradise and settled in wicker chairs with a casks of single malt and a fly swatter. Snubbed by the exclusive entourage, King Herod, declared a bank holiday and planned his revenge. Lamenting past failures within the confines of infantricide Herod was said to be in an awful state.

“My empire for a bucket of worm castings”     – V. Ethyl Parvenu, organic gardener