Senate Passes Deferment for Bartenders

(Washington—Otober 26, 2014) In its only meaningful legislative action this week the United States Senate today passed a sweeping resolution that gives bartenders “complete and irrevocable suspension from military duty in case of war.
Citing the precedent case Martini vs. Manhattan, opponents of the bill argued that officer’s clubs all over the world would suffer as a result of this misguided decision. If bartenders are not drafted who will pour shots for army officers or boat drinks for the ensigns? They accused supporters of hostility toward the burgeoning business of warfare.
“Making drinks in a relaxed atmosphere is imperative in future international conflicts especially when one or more of the participants manufactures weapons to sell to the rest of the world,” said a proponent of the bill. “Would we want a lot of thirsty government contractors or lobbyists to represent our best interests? No.”
“In our growing first to the trough mentality in this country we must undress these potential crisis before the ice melts,” she continued.
Although the legislative body appeared intent on wasting time voting on such issues as immigration, failing infrastructure and the state of education it quickly stacked its priorities, regained its composure and, at last call, passed out on the bar 96–4.
This is the second time the governing body has stepped in on alcohol related issues this session having added the barfly as well as the neighborhood tavern to the endangered species list back in July.

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