ROX Not Deported as Reported

Apology: Many Rockies “were demoted” not deported as yesterday’s sportswriters mistakenly promulgated. This website regrets any confusion, pain or inconvenience, to a dwindling fan base, that may have resulted from our poor “at bat” herein.

Bi-lingual response from baseball operations in Greeley was muted as agents from ICE donned masks and wild pitches for yet another mindless sweep that nets the innocent with the illegal. Perhaps the most notable surprise herein is that not one of the dumped players possesses a Spanish surname.

The furloughed athletes are mostly pitchers and infielders, making way for a radical approach to the remainder of the season: Beginning after the All Star game the team will field one pitcher, one catcher and seven outfielders in an attempt to deprive competitors of a self-described “unfair advantage” that has left the team some 30 games out of first place. Stiff fines will be levied for strikeouts.

Sources say it is unlikely that the moves will spawn lower beer prices at Coors Field.

Keystone refugees, currently housed in so many dugouts, are already on the trading block or are primed to play minor league ball at Albuquerque. Reaction all over the league was disbelief in that a “brash basement dweller” was attempting to so radically change the game of baseball.

From the Rockpile

“We are relieved that our gov’ment is protecting us from the international criminal faction but are thousands of deported babies really perpetrators?” asked Penelope Spotcheque, a retired social worker who now roams the post-game Blake Street bleachers looking for coins and valuables.

“It appears that anyone who even looks Latino is a target of gangs of authorized bullies who continue stumblebum raids and illegal detainments of American citizens. We thought the feds were looking to pinch murderers and rapists. Maybe not, heh?”

Our website, sanjuanhorseshoe.com, takes full responsibility for our journalistic blunder but not for the poor workmanship of a one-dimensional, money-driven, unsportsmanlike front office of 2025 Colorado Rockies.

Let’s lose 120 in 2025!

– Rory Lyons

Don’t forget: This year’s Lodo Homeless Golf Tournament, to be held in Setember, has achieved approval and permission of the Denver City Council. The 2-day event will raise funds toward purchasing the Colorado Rockies Major League franchise in 2026.