Regional Shorts

with Muffy Hollandaise

Use of Elk DNA chumming says DOW

(Norwood) Hunters using elk and deer DNA to aid in tracking specific animals could face up to $500 in fines says the Colorado Division of Wildlife. In addition using cow elk DNA to attract bull elk in the woods is likewise illegal.

The emergence of DNA as a legitimate tool in law enforcement in no way allows private citizens to employ the technology in their own lives adds the DOW.

“It’s basically chumming,” says Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, animal behaviorist and all around party fool who is employed by the Fish and Game this season. “It’s not fair. Everyone knows bear baiting with candy and tempting boy mountain lion with girl mountain lion urine is questionable but this DNA thing — It’s not sporting.”

Pennywhistle went on to say that hunting with the aid of deer and elk DNA is “like shooting coyotes from an airplane or ducks with a machine gun or chipmunks with hand-held missiles”.

The DOW will be checking hunters for signs of molecular detection devices of all kinds this season in addition to the normal course of checking other credentials.

 “Anyone we catch with elk DNA in their possession, without an accompanying animal, will spend the night in jail,” he warned.

Chamber to show Fall Colors

(Manana) The local chamber of commerce will present a slide show entitled Fall Colors for anyone afraid to go out in the woods this time of the year. The film will be shown every afternoon from 1:30 to 3:30 pm and is free of charge.

Highlights include aspen trees in full gold decor, oak in red (some imported)  and pine in green. Along with this spectacular sight will be blue skies and mountains dusted with early snow. Even a bear gets into the act as he chases photographer Melvin Toole down a one-way deer path near Twin Peaks.

Although the presence of hunters and international terrorists has created a sub-culture of Americans who spend 24 hours a day indoors, this slide show is for the rest of us…people like you and me who don’t have time to drive around looking at trees and bushes.

Fall Colors is available on DVD for $19.99. To order call Finn McCool over at the Manana Chamber.

Gelding Survives Lightening Strike

(Crested Butte) A six-year-old gelding is in good condition after a direct hit by a rogue bolt of lightening yesterday afternoon. The quarter horse, owned by Slim Tinkleholland of Quantum Sunset Ranch, said his charge is responding to oat therapy and seems to have regained his faculties after the traumatic exploit.

“Actually he doesn’t look any different than he usually does ,” said the rancher. “He spends almost everyday staring into space. We think he’s trying to recollect his days as a stallion when mares were fair game and all.”

Readers may recall a similar incident involving a Hereford cow last year when lightening struck her twice in the same pasture on the same afternoon. In that case the cow returned to work the next day with no measurable loss of mental capacity. The result was quite different back in 1996 when a Holstein bull was struck by lightening at the entrance to a metal barn while standing in a bucket of water holding a seven iron between his teeth. Although he survives to this day he has never been the same.

“People think cows are flat stupid,” said Tinkleholland, “and they’re right.”

Howardsville Votes Wet

(Silverton) Voters in Howardsville rushed to the polls Wednesday to cast their votes on whether to allow alcohol consumption within the town limits. The final tally: 7 for…1 against, succeeded in approving the measure which goes into effect immediately.

Almost upon cue hundreds of thirsty residents of nearby Silverton, Gladstone and Eureka descended onto the town and drank it dry in less the four hours.

“What good’s a wet district when we’re out of whiskey?” asked one old timer who voted for the measure.

Meanwhile voters in Hinsdale County have until the weekend to decide on the status of intoxicants in their neck of the woods. An amendment has been introduced calling for the termination of alcohol sales during the winter months. According to angry citizens, there the bill was first presented by a second home owner from Fort Worth who spends his winters in Sapinero, Florida..

“That flatlander drinks like a fish all summer then tries to ruin it for those of us that spend our winters here,” said Lake City native Bambi LaRue, a former Playboy centerfold model who lives alone in a plush crushed velour and marble double-wide near Lake San Cristobal.

Opponents of the dry county referendum hope that Hinsdale County will reject bluenose notions and join with locales in San Juan County who are now legally wet.

“If we all stick together we can form a voting block all across the San Juans which should in turn protect and insulate the miles of stills that currently grace Cinnamon Pass,” purred LaRue. “It’s nice to see all those thirsty people come out and do their civic duty. We certainly have deep throats in these parts.”

Poodle, eaten by bear, had just been to groomer

(Ouray) The toy poodle which was attacked and consumed by a hungry sow black bear last week had only that morning returned from an extensive grooming session. Although still in shock, the dog’s owner, Lucy Cannon, of Enid, Oklahoma told The Horseshoe that she was out walking her poodle named King along the Portland Trail when a large bear, estimated to weigh over 300 pounds jumped out from the brush, snarled, dragged the dog off and was gone.

Cannon intends to sue the Division of Wildlife for damages, hoping to recoup losses estimated to be in the neighborhood of $115.

“I spent that much having him clipped and shampooed and that doesn’t count nails and teeth,” cried Cannon. “Now I’m out my poodle and the groomer’s fees.”

Although the groomer, Fur Thee Well Paradise, a chain out of Buckeye, Arizona, did not return our calls we did speak to a ranger who patrols in that region.

“She didn’t have the dog on a leash so she was breaking the law anyway,” he said. “She’s lucky we don’t press charges. She’s damn lucky we’ve had rain and the bear have berries to eat. Last year she might have been the main course with her little dog as dessert.”

MATH TODAY

If your Uncle Sam saved $55.6 billion dollars by suspending operations in the wake of a flurry of hurricanes last month what tax cuts could be enjoyed by the already wealthy among us? How much could the rich then save if Puerto Rico or St. John experienced a tropical storm once a month? What about twice a month?

Write answer on a photo of Mike Pence and promptly discard.

Thanks for playing MATH TODAY