PIZZA DELIVERY INDUSTRY LARGEST ON SLOPE

(Montrose) With more than 7,000 persons currently employed, the pizza delivery industry has overtaken agriculture as the number one industry on the Western Slope. According to recently released records, some 44,712 pizzas are delivered between Hiawatha and Pagosa Springs, placing the western half of the state 16th in national pizza consumption per capita, and the industry itself 20th in overall gross national product.

“That don’t count them pizzas that is picked up at the counter neither,” said one recent high school graduate enrolled in a local management program.

GUNNISON TO REPLACE TREES

(Craynor Hill) The City of Gunnison will begin replacing all trees within the city limits tomorrow, it was disclosed today. The replanting, financed in part through funds generated by an Arbor Day bake sale, will take approximately three months. Used trees, leveled to make room for new ones, will be chopped up and used to heat the county jail next winter.

“It was time to clean up the place,” said an anonymous city worker. “People had become tired of looking at the same old trees.”

Most major streets will be closed until the operation is completed. Persons interested in contributing seedlings are asked to call city hall.

THE WHETHER

Partly cloudy conditions will continue through mid-afternoon, with an increase in wind expected into the evening. Temperatures in the valleys are almost certain to reach 135 degrees by noon, with highs in the mountains hovering around 110 degrees. The lows tonight will dip down to 45 below zero, with Gunnison recording the nation’s lowest temperature at 80 below zero. A stockmen’s warning has been issued for Ouray and San Miguel Counties, where herd animals have stopped eating altogether and have begun to question authority. Visitors are encouraged to stay indoors unless the situation returns to normal, whatever that might be these days.