No Smoking Section on Death Row

(Canon City) The Colorado Department of Corrections has yielded to pressure from prison activists to establish a strict No Smoking policy for the facility by spring. At present smoking is permitted on Death Row while other inmates are restricted from puffing in their cells, at chow and in the laundry.

“These anti-smoke people are within their rights,” said Zannie B. Volt, executive director of inmate-guard relations here. “It’s not fair for anyone to be exposed to secondhand smoke. It makes the whole cell smell.”

Costs as well as health considerations highlight a 3700-page report on the matter. Smoking in the yard will be acceptable if the prisoner has fulfilled other duties. The television lounge and weight room are off limits as is the visiting complex. The termination of smoking in these locales should alleviate pressure from black marketing and improve dental checkups.

“If you want to bring an incarcerated friend or relative a gift in jail try a cake with a file or maybe some bubble bath,” said Volt. “Just kidding,” he added.

Volt has been credited with the interior design of over 2000 cells from Wyoming to Miami and the blueprint for some 350 lightweight gallows scaffolding, made from recycled playground equipment. In 2007 he instituted industry fashion standards, getting away from the traditional stripes in favor of more checks and plaids (including the popular Plea Bargain Jumpsuit) in inmate attire. – Rocky Flats

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain to unnamed literary critic