Longtime Proof Reader Celebrates 100 Years

(Paradox Valley) Congratulations are arriving from every port and good wishes from every continent commemorating the 100^th birthday of Susie Compost, executive proofreader at the sanjuanhorseshoe.com.

Compost joined the paper in 1977 at age 56 after a stunning career in molecular organics, specializing in tuna casseroles and front-end work. After the stress of uptown expectations and downtown deadlines she was now looking for something simple to pass the time.

Despite near-blindness and a facial tick that caused her to skip large swaths of copy she was a constant plug on an otherwise leaky staff. Management at the website suggest that it would take three people to do her job therefore she will not be replaced, at least in the human sense, saving four salaries.

“Susie was on the job every morning at 6 am,” said editor Foggy Bedwetter-Toole, “but it often took her an hour to find her cubby hole and the light switch. Getting her to lunch was a nightmare and helping her find her car was becoming an issue. To say that the editorial staff covered for her would be understated.”

Co-workers went on to undress the issue that the trademark Paraguayan cigar, eternally in place in her teeth, did little to dilute the cutting edge journalism or provoke sabotage by the the ghosts of a hundred typewriters, once employed at a rhythmic pace.

“The tobacco smell covered the pitchopuli oil that she bathed in each morning and night,” winced Toole

Although hundreds have applied for the proofreading slot, none has displayed the keen intensity, creative grammar and utter distortion of the English language and its quirks. In addition, none have had martial arts training and pinpoint range shooting that keeps everything in perspective at deadline.

“She kept that machete sharp enough to split an infinitive,” said Bedwetter-Toole, “and discouraged the baby journalists from eating all the glazed donuts.”

Compost has determined a retirement date but will not share it with anyone. She is reportedly concerned over water cooler chatter that she will be replaced with a philodendron or a social-climbing English ivy.

“We just figure that when she stops showing up to proof read, she will have retired, leaving room within the salary cap to remodel the employee lounge and firm up a saggy retaining wall in the op-ed department.

A Colombian proof reading team has reached out to the Horseshoe but the paper/website is concerned that piercing cynicism and curious innuendo might be lost in translation.

-Gabby Haze