Local Rock Star Takes Life

Golden record and Grammy Award winner Newt Guitar Jepson was found dead yesterday backstage in the Imperial Ballroom of the Wimpton Sheridan Love Hotel, apparently a victim of his own hand.

     Jepson, who had recently been dating the 17-year-old daughter of the Hapsacke County coroner Gunther Gunne, had allegedly stabbed himself in the back thirteen times and then shot himself in the head and through the heart, according to Sheriff Howard “Gridiron” Gunne.  The coroner then concluded that Jepson must have disposed of the weapons since none were found at the scene of the “one-car suicide”.

     Jepson’s career epitomized a virtual rocket to stardom after the release of his first recording “You Can Take My Love and Shove It Up Your Heart”. From there it was CD after CD followed by a world tour of Texas and Oklahoma. Just two days before the tragedy he had agreed to appear on Stairway to the Galaxies in downtown Grand Junction.

     It was rumored that Jepson was heavily into the drug scene, but this was never proven. Although he was arrested over 600 times for various narcotic binges, he was never convicted.

     The local newspaper reported that there are currently 2398 suspects in Hapsack County alone, pop 2399 (now 2398) in addition to thousands line up to be paid for everything from sound systems to chocolate bars acquisitioned by Jepson during his brief flirtation with stardom and the big time.

     “All one has to do is listen to the lyrics and it’s clear he liked meth, coke and an assorted entourage of downers,” said an unreliable source perched over a jocular whiskey at the drab Victorian barrel room of the Imperial.

     Newt is survived by his wife Ima and his legitimate son Newt Jr., as well as 87 other alleged offspring, 24 of which are represented in local paternity suits.

– Tommy Middlefinger